Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire
September 8, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…
So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….
Technique #1 : Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
- Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
- With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
- Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
- Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
- Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
- Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
- Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
- Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.
- You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
- Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
- Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
- Add the light pile. Close the lid.
- Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
- Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
- Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.
- When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
- Every time.
I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.
Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification
This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
- Learn to cook a whole meal.
- When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
- While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
- While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
You don;t have to thank me…no..really.
Good luck guys.
Image: Marye Audet
Thanks Richard…youa re a gem, I hope you keep reading.
Normally I would not have changed the name but due to some odd commentors it had to be done or owuld have gotten out of hand.
Yes, this was meant to be funny. I believe that those gentlemen that were so irate were those that perhaps were sexually frustrated adolescents….whatever their ages.
thats soooooooo xxxx never try this again btw im a woman and my man xxxxx me rite obviously unlike all your guys pathetic “men” is all you have
Well, he obviously doesn’t give you vocabulary and spelling lessons.
HAHA this is great. First of all, I am living proof that this stuff works. Seems like every time I was cooking a meal for me and my girlfriend, she was always trying to reach in my pants, always telling me how much it turned her on when I cook. Unfortunately for me though, she secretly likes being physically picked up and while I can easily pick her up and even toss her in the air, she didn’t seem to think i could because of how thin I am. LADIES DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE SKINNY GUY!!
P.S. ….WOW there were a lot of DUMB guys commenting because they are so sexist and meat-headed. Sure some women are attracted to that dumb-osterone but lots of girls would melt if you cried at a movie or showed any kind of lovey emotion.
Thanks Josh..I think Marc would agree with you about not underestimating the skinny guys!
Wow! Cool list.
But still….I’m so very happy that here in my country society still expects the woman to do each and every one of these things as a matter of course. Which means that if i actually do any of them the wife is MOST appreciative.
that is always nice.
xxxxxxx what a load of crap. My girl is lucky if she doesn’t get a slap if she doesn’t get my dinner on the table on time. I know how to keep that xxxxx on lock down.
horribly archaic humor. it’s almost up to par with the “WOMEN CAN’T DRIVE” jokes. good job making everyone who read this a little more stupid.
::::yawn::::::
Rawree
I am sorry if you felt stupid. Thi s was not serious nor was it supposed be…simply humor. Period.
There are other posts on this site that are serious, perhaps one of those might be what you are looking for.
Congrats. Quite a few people here got trolled.
hmmm…besides this blog?
Blah, blah, blah. But what about my needs? That’s what really matters here, isn’t it? (Can you believe it? I’m still single.)
what is it about “humor” that you guys have a hard time understanding?
Ha ha, hilarious and completely original. It’s funny, see, because women don’t actually enjoy sex, but they all really like doing housework. Why else would women cook and clean and do laundry? And of course men are all desperate slobs who’ll only do chores around the house if they think it’ll earn them sex- and, really, what else do men want in a relationship? It’s a perfect trade! Props to Marye for highlighting the proper exchange of duties in a normal heterosexual monogamous relationship.
Actually I DO enjoy housework..and cooking…but I am the desperate slob trying to earn the sex.
One more time..it was humor based on stereotypes not meant to be serious or taken seriously…
Here is an idea in regards to #4:
Why doesn’t SHE just lift it up when SHE is done??
That “running into the washroom in the dark and falling in” argument is BS. I can just as easily say that I could be peeing on the seat doing the same thing, but i would be expected to turn the light on wouldn’t I?
Wow…I am shocked at how many idiots have managed to take a funny little posting and make it into a deal at all…never mind a big deal. I just found your blog, Marye, and this was hilarious! I will show it to my husband, we’ll laugh together, and I just might get some help sorting the laundry this weekend. You know, the way that normal couples do. Don’t forget, most people read this, laughed, Stumbled it so that people like me would find it, and moved on without making any comments at all. It’s generally the bottom of the barrel who will stop their lives to type in a nasty note. First rule of customer service: for every angry complaint there are at least 20 people who were happy and never said anything at all.
Keep it up and try to ignore those trolls! Never liked their haircuts anyway…
Stupid xxxx, go make me some dinner.
pnm…I suppose if your wife is agreeable to that there is no problem
Maiya..thanks
Kyle…your extensive vocabulary and obvious masculine command of the English language underwhelms me. Go play on myspace, now there’s a good boy.
I just wanted to say that this is an fantastic post. A brilliant bit of satire. Many thanks.
thanks Andy…
I´ve just stumbled here; and it was to darn early in the morning and took me about 4 lines to get mood of this piece. After that just laughed like a madman. Brilliant!
Oh Marye; if you were single; a tad older; and we lived in the same continent you could be cooking for me now (Add a smiley face here).
Pushing Seventy…
Thank you….Actually I love to cook. I have a blog to prove it…http://bakingdelights.com
so I can do your virtual cooking if you like.
Just stumbled here and got a laugh out of your bit of humor. i about went on but started in on the comments and became discouraged at the number of sexist morons out there who cant see the funny if it is right in front of them. thanks
Thanks Guy, I appreciate it.
This is all so true, I’ve been following these since I met my fiance, and the sparkle has never left her eyes
you are a stupid fcxxing whore
Don..First of all I am not stupid. My IQ is definitely higher than you can count….and I know that the c comes AFTER the U..so I spell better than you as well…
As far as being a whore..I have been with the same person for 29 years… Get a life…and if you keep your hands out of your pants you will have less typos.
I’m a man, and I can do every one of those things. In fact, since I’m a single man I HAVE to do every one of those things.
But note, still single.
ah well…it is all in the timing.
You forgot “Stroke, stroke stroke”
Plug in the iron. As it (and she) heats up, whisper sweet loving thoughts. Once the iron is heated, place a freshly washed t-shirt on the table, lay the iron on it and gently stroke with slow long motions. Continue this treatment till t-shirt is smooth and wrinkle free. Repeat till all clothes are ironed. Then proceed to take wife’s clothes off, and use techniques 4 and 5 to make her quiver qith love and desire.
Zafar you are hysterical
Zafar that is good!
Marye, Marc, really enjoyable especially thr responses to the negative feedback. Also, hoping your son and his buddies come safely home.
I really dont see doing this just to please a woman…
seems sort of silly really…
Too hard
Here is another one–similar to technique #2. I call it the “The Grassy Shave.” Go to the garage and take the lawn mower to the sidewalk. (extra credit if you wear baggy sweats). Slowly move the mower from the inside of your lawn to the outside taking extra time to circle stimulating points of interests such as trees and lawn decorations. For variation, try moving the mower in slow back and forth motions over places where the grass is especially thick. Once the lawn has been sufficiently shaved, be sure to throw away the clippings, put the mower away and to wash your hands.
Thank You Marye,
Seems you are a bit too late for me. I went a step further I guess.
I have a culinary degree, that makes meal time very easy to create.
I have Massage license that is in demand after bath time.
Dishes are all done by our 14 year old.
I do laundry because every time I don’t I experience foaming under my arms and in the crotch area, with a severe rash. Not sure what that is all about but I’m thinking triple soap and skipping the rinse cycle may have something to do with it.
So what is this Sexual thing you talk about, I do all this so i only need to sleep with one eye open.
Brad West ~ onomoney
Ahhh Brad, there will always be those who do everything and yet still miss out.
Hey Marye,
I an only kidding, yes I do all those things and more. Life is especially good for me and my family. Lately we have met some extraordinary people that I can also say I am more than privileged to be acquainted with. Even when I have others take over the tasks at hand I will keep hold of the Oral Gratification one I’m kind of selfish that way!
You really put together a great piece.
Thanks
Brad west ~ onomoney
Good one, Marye. More true than funny though.
… though I still do my own laundry. Its bizarre considering that our apartment cleaning is outsourced and my wife never cooks!
I empathise with Brad coz I graduated from hotel school too. Boarding school and a single-parent home makes chores a part of normal life. I ensure my wife gets time to relax @home coz we both work. Then one took undue advantage of the other. Now, I am a bad husband coz I stopped going the extra mile!
I only have one thing to say…two actually… I don’t ask my wife to put up trusses for me on a building 4 stories high, nor do I ask her to work in -20 temperatures. You get my point.
Next, why don’t men get pissed off when the women leave the toilet seat down?! Last I checked, the world’s population was pretty much split down the middle, meaning none of us have the swing vote one way or the other… Which is why the men quietly pull the seat up every time, WITHOUT complaining. It’s what we do.
FYI, my wife loves me. I cleaned the house yesterday because she wasn’t feeling well, got her pink roses, only because they didn’t have white cala lillies, and got her a spa package at a nearby spa. How do you like me now?
Sailesh..it was really only meant to be a joke and I have been amazed at the nerve it seems to have it.
Henk..It doesn’t matter whether I like you or not, or how much…that is between you and your wife…
Marye, I did have a good laugh reading you “tips”.
Some of the reactions it got are just…Ouch! What amused me was how my wife would be happy to set it as our new standard, when I am struggling to lower her expectations. My mum-in-law actually told my wife recently, “Your husband has spoilt you”. We had a good laugh about it… but little has changed since then
Perhaps there needs to be a rule book on how not to spoil spouses, required reading before marriage.
I think it was very well done! Extremely funny.
LOL, got a lot fun to reading the entire post.
It was hilarious. I actually started reading because i thought it was about sex. I then had to laugh at myself when i figured it out. But then i decided it is about sex (for me) because if my husband did that for one week he would get over the top, mind blowing sex as a BIG THANK YOU (i think i’ll make him an offer,lol). Well, if he doesn’t take it up i won’t love him any less.
I’m sending him the link so he can at least have a laugh and relax a little.