Hating Autism, Hating Hate
May 13, 2006 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
A few years ago, Jim and Charlie spotted a car with an “I [HEART] SOMEONE WITH AUTISM” bumper sticker. The car pulled into a gas station where Jim was also headed. The driver turned out to be Charlie’s teacher’s husband (who has CP).
And that’s been our position on autism: Love. Loving Charlie and, through even some difficult times, always loving him and what we learn from him and from autism.
In a post yesterday, Abuse: a tough topic I worry about, I quoted comments from Ms. Clark (who blogs at Autism Diva) and a Mr. John Best (who blogs at Hating Autism).
Ms. Clark and I do not agree about every autism issue, but I have learned a lot from her blog and from corresponding with her, and she is an unyielding advocate for autism. The very title of Mr. Best’s blog is not only offensive, it is a “fighting word,” and then some.
I do not hate autism.
I love my autistic son.
Thanks, Kristina. I think Hating Autism should be flagged as objectionable. It is like an anti-semetic site for autism.
No one should hate autistic children. It is offensive to many disabled communities everywhere.
Hating Autism loves to simply harrass people who want to love their autistic children. Harrassment is not okay. Hate is not okay.
I think “objectionable” is an understatement.
I hear you both. However, If we hate them then are we not guilty of spreading hate and hate begets hate and no one wins. John is a mouthy loving father that has a very sick child. His son is not sick from the brain difference of Autism but from co-morbid issues caused by a genetic susceptibility to environmental toxins. Since the medical profession has chosen to ignore the toxicity issue completely (torte lawyers caused this response from them) and lump all those horrible medical problems into the diagnosis of Autism we now have to deal with people that hate Autism. My kids never suffered like his child is suffering but my kids are genetically autistic because my husband and I are both autistic. My kids were never vaccinated until after their diagnoses unless they were vaccinated using single dose vials with no preservatives. I know this may not make me popular but I don’t care. When we mistreat these parents for hating seeing their children in pain. When we deny them the freedom to speak out about the horrible things their children are suffering we are wrong. They have autistic kids that are suffering horrible pain and we are not there for them because they want to cure that pain. How selfish of us. How vain are we to believe that all of Autism is as great as our lives and everything about raising an autistic child can be cured by loving the child more.
Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right. —-Mohandis “Mahatma” Ghandi
Maybe it is time for us to offer the olive branch to the bio-med community. I know it is time for me to and I have done so. You can support me or not. That is your choice. They are not all perfect. Many are angry. There are problems. BUT They love their children and their children are sick Autistic children and they have found some things that they feel are helping. As an Autistic parent of Autistic kids I would get absolutely irate if anyone tried to tell me how to raise my kids. We have no right to step on their parental rights. Until a court removes those rights they are good parents. If you have real concerns about the alleged quacks in the bio-med industry and you really want to protect the children then join with me and some of the bio-med families to get the environmental toxins issue looked at by accepted legitimate scientists that are not closed minded to the problem. Get treatment incorporated into mainstream medicine. And get funding for the needs of all autistics given to organizations like Estee’s that will actually allow autistic adults to have a say in how the money is spent. Help us silence that nasty little group that pays a 6 figure income to a woman that contemplated murdering her child and worse than that (if there is such a thing) she says that right in front of the child like Jodie is too stupid to understand her.
combating-autism-speaks at blogspot
hope to see you there
Athena “spydyee” Whittaker Blakely PAMOAK
Proud Aspie Mom Of Autistic Kids
Ah…spydee… how interesting the way you closed your rant.
You think so little of autismspeaks.org that you frequented it for nearly a month soliciting donations for a mother who lost her autistic son to drowning. It was no issue for you to use the good people at this website?
I’ll be sure to let everyone know what a fraud you are. You hate autismspeaks but used it’s members. That is very very very sad. Why don’t you just confess to the folks there that you hate the website. I’m sure if you had told the members of that board that you hated the organization you wouldn’t have been able to coax money out of their pockets. Dishonest!
You give those with your condition a bad name. Much worse than this guy at Hating Autism. Try a little honesty. Please! You seem like a smart woman. Just work on your ethics and you’d be a pretty well rounded individual.
I for one do hate autism, It controls my entire family. I have a little brother with autism and everything is based on wat he can handle, i cant take it anymore. My mom litterally tells me she loves him more than me. If thats not a reason to HATE the diesese idk wat is. I cannot communicate with my little brother, i cannot touch him, he doesnt even know i exist, yet my entire world is based around him. I dont think he even has feelings, hes just kind of there. Go ahead and send me and email telling me wat an evil person i am, or mabye try and help me make since of all of thise, ive tried talking to my mom about it, and she could care less about how i feel.
I think it’s important to be honest—-my son is an only child and we are able to devote all of our attention to him. As a mother, my sense is that your mother may often be too exhausted — I don’t know your mom, of course, but that is what I would say as a mother about another mother. Do you have other siblings? Have you been able to talk to anyone about your feelings—friends, teachers?
ive got 3 siblings, only one with autsim. Meaning she is a mother of 4. And No one really understands wat its like living with an autistic unless they really do. I have tried, but no one else gets it. My stepdad works on the northslope in alaska and is only home 2 weeks a month, so that makes my mom a single mother of 4 kids for half the year. I understand how stressed out she is, but its not my fault as much as it isnt her fault. Yet i feel like im being punished.
It isn’t the fault of autism, other autistic people, or the autistic person you live with that you feel your mother treats you unfairly.
Would you like me to say I hate teenagers because of how you type, how you speak about my community (autistic people) and because of how your peers treated me and often still treat me (I look very young)? No? You’re engaged in the same kind of bigotry. It isn’t fair.
Your brother knows you are there. Your life is more enjoyable working within his limits than fighting his limits (ask MY siblings on that one). Behaving like an entitled brat about it isn’t going to change anything about it. I don’t think you’re evil–I do think you are displaying symptoms consistant with Severe Neurotypical Adolescence, Entitlement Type.
Reach to your brother if he cannot reach to you. Or go out with your friends. But don’t hate over a million people because of percieved wrongs by YOUR MOTHER.
Kassiane,
autistic & old enough to have been your babysitter
I came here looking for answers and am leaving with only more questions. You have given me the same shit i have gotten from everyone else. I wish it were logical, but ur phd isnt gonna help me here.
And deffinally dont bring my mom into this, shes trying as hard as she can. I think i need to speak with someone who can think out side of the box, and isnt consumed by reasearch and facts.
I cant communicate with my own family whos autistic, wats gonna make u any differnt?
dont bother commenting back, ur judging me as u read this. Your just the same as everyone else.
Me,
Lost, confuzed, and offically even more pist off.
BRoBBcins: No, it’s not your fault, or anyone else’s—I think it’s good you can say that it is hard, otherwise it would be denial. I am echoing Kassiane here some: From my own experiences with my son, even though he does not convey or seem to express his awareness of others, this does not mean that he does not realize that we are there and here for him—-I have to do a lot more than one might to interact with a non-autistic child. And it is always worth it.
I never claimed a PhD. I did claim having been autistic and a younger sister.
Hatred isn’t going to help anyone. I also claimed you are behaving like a bigoted brat. Can you prove me wrong?
Kassiane, the Rettdevil
….i never said i hated people with autism, austim doesnt make a person. But it is considered a disability, just as if someone was missing a leg. I wouldnt judge the person by him having a missing leg. But I could say hey, i wish u had ur other leg.
But it isnt something u can change. I know that.
I also i know i need to find away to connect with my brother, wich is the help i was looking for in the first place, but was instead called a stupid teenage brat, now whos judging who?? Just like all people with autism arnt the same, all teenagers arnt the same.
We dont like being persicuted as much you dont.
So prove to me you can acually help me, and not make accusations about someone youve never met.
BRoBBcins
I think you are having problems connecting because the autism is so much a part of your development as well. I have found that at times my other two children will resent their sister because she has autism. I can not begin to understand what it is like for them no more than I know what it is like to live with autism. I do know that in tring to raise them I have encouraged my boys to try to spend time with her doing what she likes. She likes to color and play with clays so they now sit at the table and do those things with her. I feel for you I know the teen years can be difficult for everyone and you certainly do not need to made to feel bad for asking for help. It will take a lot of work but you can learn to connect with your sibling if you become more involved in what they are doing.
BRoBBcins,
Once again, I wanted to say that I appreciate your commenting here and sharing your experience. I just came across this post by a young woman who has autistic brother:
http://www.progressiveu.org/211105-life-with-my-autistic-brother-a-series
Thanks again—
Kristina, how thoughtful of you to post that link for this kid.
There might be some help for him there. There is doubtless much help for me here (at the Hub), but clearly, not what he needs.
BroBBcins, I applaud you for continuing to try. Hope you’ll come back here just once more, and soon find some peace in your life and a stronger, happier connection to your brother.
BROBBains,
I completly understand were you are coming from, my fiance has an autistic son and it is very difficult, I dont doubt that you love your brother and do feel bad for him but I also understand how unfair it can be that your life is altered because of his dissabilty. Autism is prob one of the hardest things to deal with. I often feel robbed of things because of his autism, having to leave the beach early or a family party because he is acting up why should we have to conform our life because he doesnt like being someplace, and trust me autistic children know how to play that card, if they dont want to be someplace anymore he knows all he has to do is start running around screaming out of control and we leave. It is so difficult to not be able to communicate with someone, so the result is we have to give in just to make him stop acting out, it just doesn;t seam right. I know at times it can be trying that when we do something with his son the entire time he focused on his son chasing him around or rushing through so that he can be back in front of the tv I can’t imagine what it must be like to have your own mother have all her attention on one child. I think what you are saying is that your brother isn’t the only one suffering, that his dissabilty makes things difficult for you at times and all you want is some of the attention and sympathy he gets.
i hate autism and will never accept that my son is autistic ..its hard work ..unrewarding and all i want is for him to be normal …
I am sorry to hear that you can not find any rewards in raising your son who s autistic. I think that the small sucesses that my daughter makes are so rewarding to see. I agree that it is hard work but I have found it to be very rewarding.
I have three children my boys are “normal” and my daugher is autistic. I use the term normal very loosely because I have fond all three of them to be hard work and I would not say that my boys are always easier. All children have their moments and every parent has their challenges this just happens to be mine. It helped me early on to write down one positive thing about the day when she was little. I will admit that some days my positive thing was that she went to sleep, but it helped me to focus on the positive rather than the frustration and exhaustion.
lucky for you you have 3 other normal children …i think its worse for myself because my son is my first and only child …you have such expectations with your first
he is only very mildly autistic he has fabulous qualitys ..lovely face placid nature ..but hes also an enigma to teachers because sometimes hes normal then other times hes not …
The biggest problem i have is the constant critisism from family not undertsanding why i am exhausted ,frustrated,and worn out with the constant battle & why i let my son stay with his dad more than keep him with me .His dad is more patient ..never shouts and understands him more than i do ..and besides my son is happier with his dad … is it wrong for me to let him live most of the time with his father ?
i simply wont sit in his bedroom playing playstation for hours on end or i wont let him watch cartoons in the lounge at 8.30 at night when ive done a days work and just sat down he has a tv in his room …his dad gives him constant 121…i know i am sounding selfish but i feel guilt ridden and fed up with being judged ….my family like to dictate and judge but after only having my son for 1/2 are on the phone saying come and get him hes bored and is playing up ….how is that supportive …?????
i do love him though that i would like to put accross before anyone starts slagging me off and i want whats best for him and for me too
I do not doubt that you love your son. I think we all know what it is like to feel judged because of our children. My mother went so far as to tell other family members that the only thing wron with my daughter is bad parenting. Even though I am not sure how she explained the behavior of my boys. If your son is happier at his fathers and he is able right now to give him what he needs than you are doing what is best for everyone to have him there. I was given some great advice from my grandmother before I even had children. She had six. She said that all we can do is the best we can do, if there is help out there and you take it you should not feel guilty about it. We need to relize that we are all human and will make mistakes and parenting is no different. I hope that you can get some support and can get recharged. Feel free to contact me if you would like. Julie@mayernik.com
I would also just like to add that i lost a baby this year and i am still trying to get pregnant again …with my son playing up its making me think maybe it was for the best i dont have any more children …. I would of been a great mum im just not a great mum to my son whos got difficulties …
i never said either …my son wasnt diagnosed till he was 7
so up till then all i got was ..its your fault you dont look after him right ..you dont give him the right foods …you dont talk to him enough …he’ll grow out of it ..hes getting better …hes not autistic hes just naughty …
your always out …your a crap mother …etc etc etc ….
…..but hey ive woken up in a different frame of mind today ..and well just hope and pray today stays a better day
I hate autism; but I don’t hate my autistic child. I also hate to see parents and families who loose their lives and accept autistic living(?); these kind of people call themselves autimom or autidad. Do not! DO NOT! totally let autism control your life! I hate people who can accept self-stemming as a normal behavior for autistic individuals. You can help them to change and get better; it is a very difficult to get into their worlds; but as I’ve said you can find ways to help them. Do not just accept them as autistic otherwise you will have “autistic living”!
Excuse me, Anonymous, but I am autistic and stimming is the way I am able to cope with things like communicating, understanding speech, sensory processing, organizing, etc. And autistic living isn’t so bad. My NT mom prefers it, in fact, and since I have been more accepted for stimming and otherwise “autistic living”, I bang my head less and am less stressed, so fewer times I fight my parents and scream and things.
It’s not letting autism control your life. It’s evening the playing field for the autistic person. After all, for the frustration from parents and educators who constantly exasperate themselves with me, I get very stressed and only have more stress, and since my mom has understood more about me and I am comfortable to stim and have times of not talking, there are less of these confrontations.
Things to change and get better: self-injury, developing effective communication system, depression, etc.
Things not to change: stimming, trying to force speech when a more effective communication is in place, odd appearances or actions that don’t hurt anybody, etc.
Remember, just because we may look horribly trapped and miserable to you doesn’t mean that’s our reality. Most of the time, non-autistic people misinterpret my emotional state. I am often said to be sad or anxious or disturbed when I am happy or neutral, or working on solving a practical problem.
I think hate speech is the word for the website this post is about.
i think its wrong that autistic people are even permitted to breathe i thinkn the little bastards should be decapitated for being respnsible for freedom of speach being a thin of the past
I Hate You When You Call Me Autistic!
I hate you when you call me names
I hate you when you look at me – blank face
I hate you when you mock at me
I hate you when you threat me as if I am not human.
Do you know that I can memorize
all the names of my families and relatives
all their birthdays and phone numbers
all the players and teams of any sports
all newspapers and schedules in the subways
And i know you dont
Do you know that I can easily define patterns
in all the things that I see, I touch,
I hear, I smell, I taste and I dream
And i know you dont
Do you know that I have a lot of great things in my mind
I can solve intricate mathematical equations
I can create worlds that you have not thought before
I can paint life like a magical innocent smile of a child
And I know you dont
I want to talk to you,
but I was not given a chance
I want to tell you about the sky
but I startle when I talk
I want to tell you about duality
but I have trouble relating my mind
I want to play hide and seek
but I could not look at into your eyes
I might flaps my hand or walk on tiptoe
because these are my ways of telling you
Can we be normal and be friends?
But you set norms and rules
because you are many and we are not
Label us as a disorder or a disease
because we behave differently and you are not
Diagnose us by behaviours and observartions
because you think you are smart and we are not
But I’m sorry to disagree, your theory is your opinion – not ours!
But when I hate you
It does not mean that I do not love you
It does not mean that I do not care about you
It does not mean that we can not be together
But simply because
You do not understand me.
Im 14 and i hate the way the autism of my brother makes my mom feel…every time she cryes or becomes desperate i feel like screaming inside…i just dont get why!….why us? what did we do?. Whith time i learned NOT TO CRY, because it´s useless…i only feel happy when im without him..he is impossible…i cannot do anything…cuz he will cry or scream! I ust can´t wait to be rich and “happy”.
i have known a autistic kid for 5 years and your life is very limited on what to do.Eg going to the zoo, park,swimming pool.Everything you can think of fun to do like going to the show ect you have to think how they will react, and most of the time you end up leaving early.We dont go to the movies anymore either.And its ten times harder when you have other kids to.She doesnt hardly play with the others but when she does she is the first to cry and get her own way,and finally i really think she plays on it alot with her father.then you have to wonder what it will be like in ten years from now
i have known a autistic kid for 5 years and your life is very limited on what to do.Eg going to the zoo, park,swimming pool.Everything you can think of fun to do like going to the show ect you have to think how they will react, and most of the time you end up leaving early.We dont go to the movies anymore either.And its ten times harder when you have other kids to.She doesnt hardly play with the others but when she does she is the first to cry and get her own way,and finally i really think she plays on it alot with her father.then you have to wonder what it will be like in ten years from now.
Hating Autism is a blog written by John Best (Foresam) who is beyond a shadow of a doubt; a snake oil salesman. He displays all of the traits and behaviors of one. He claims that he can cure autism, he believes that there is a pharmacudical conspiracy against him and other charlatans, he attacks all opposition so that he can peddle snake oil.
I am writing two books about an autistic adult who falls in love with his colleague in the first one. In the second book, he becomes the father of an autistic son in a dictatorial society that is similiar to Nazi Germany or Red China in which disabled children are seen as filth and a burden that must be lifted through death. As you can imagine, society will harass and try to kill him and his family.
BRoBBcins,I truly hope one day you will be taken to a new home to a new set of parents who will adore you and let you know you are loved. You do not need to be in that rotten household. You do not need to suffer under the thoughtlessness of your brother and parents. You deserve greater things in life than a messed up family that plays favorites and kowtows to only one kid while neglecting the other. Listen pal, go out and make some friends. Recreate a new family from trusted adults you know – teachers, coaches, … whatever. Have them be your true mentors, guides, and role models. Let your friends become your brothers and sisters. Do something you love and immerse yourself in it – sports, school, music, art. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you and your well being. When you are old enough, leave that place behind. Leave them and don’t look back. Go to college on scholarship, work hard, aim high.
Naomi, I shall say the same for you. Follow all the things I had said for BB to do. I’m certain may people out there would love to take in a bright and pretty 14 year old girl as their daughter. No kid should go through the sadness and neglect you kids feel. I Know you are not happy, but try to be- do things that make you happy. I used to write about my perfect family in those black and white composition books. Dancing made me happy as well. When I danced, all my problems would go away. Dance is what led me to my own good fortune. I’m like you and BB, was in a very similar situation. My sister wasn’t autistic, but had other mental and physical complications that led to my parents spending their lives and money on keeping her healthy and what not.
My dance coach kinda “adopted” me. She became my legal guardian of sorts and was the one that led me though my hard times. Not only was she my coach, but my new mother. I went to many competitions because of her, I went to auditions because of her, and she was with me all the way. She and her husband took me into their hearts in a way my parents used to do before my sister was born. People would ask if I was their daughter, and she’d say “No, but I’m claiming her!” The only time my folks saw me is when I came home after practice, if they were home at all and not at the hospital with my sister.
Your day will come Naomi, a new mother and father will open their arms to you and let you in. There is hope and your tears will soon be gone.
I feel very bad for you BroBBcins. I can well understand how you feel. My youngest son has autism. It was very hard for me to pay enough attention to his older brother and sister. I hated that we couldn’t do things as a family very much because he would have fits and scream, and run, etc. I hope things have gotten a little better. I think it’s very mean that your mother says she loves your brother more than you — how cruel can she get. The fact that she has very little understanding shows how deficient in empathy she is. And pay no attention to the people who jump on you and say your feelings are wrong. I’m sure you tried to connect with your brother — in fact you said so — and he did not connect with you in return. It is not your fault. Your feelings are normal. Your mother is just making things worse and building up more resentment in your by not validating your feelings and showing a little compassion for the very difficult situation you are in — and no, it’s not just the same as having another sibling. The problems are far more pervasive and overwhelming.
Please talk to your mom again and find someone to talk to who can see things from your perspective for a change. Let me know how you are doing.