Honesty – Be careful what you wish for
April 7, 2007 by gayla
Filed under Relationships
Kat Wilder, a forty-something divorced mom shares the various tales of dating, exes, perimenopause and middle-aged sex – she’s also sharing a tale of just how sometimes wanting your partner to be brutally honest is sometimes cutting off more than you can chew.
What would you do if you introduced your new ‘main squeeze’ to your friends – only to find out later that your ’squeeze’ has lustful fantasies about one in particular?
Now, do you get angry or resentful because they were ‘honest’ and told you the truth? Or do you encourage them to begin, AT that point, to keep secrets?
Sounds like a double edged sword to me.
You’ll have to read the entire story by Kat to get the clear picture, but in the end, Kat asks some pretty intense questions that every single should consider when getting involved with someone an insisting that brutal honesty is always the best policy…
— Is honesty the best policy, even if your lover/spouse tells you who turns him (her) on?
— Do you get upset or jealous if he (she) looks at other women (men) with lust?
— And, if you get upset by that and tell him (her) to stop, do you think that he (she) still has those thoughts/fantasies, but then won’t feel safe in sharing things with you? In other words, do you just end up shutting off honest communication?
In the end, you should be careful what you wish for, because like Kat, you just might get it!
This was a very interesting post as it illustrates how people miscommunicate what honesty is about. The type of honesty that we’re witnessing here is verbal diarrhea. He has either decided that brutal honesty means verbalising every thought or she asked him. He sounds crass and she sounds like she’s digging. The trouble is that people say that they want honesty but when they get it, they reject it. We want to dilute our versions of honesty. Fantasy’s are fantasy’s because for the most part, they stay in your head. People are allowed to be attracted to or find other people attractive even when they’re in another relationship, but it’s not a rite of passage to share every little thought going on in your brain, in the name of honesty. Honesty in relationships is about comunicating how you feel rather than hiding your honesty to avoid confrontation. It means that you won’t be disrespectful to the relationship by cheating or doing anything dishonest that jeapordises it.
Thank you for picking up my post and for commenting on it. And thank you NML for your comments as well.
I agree that people shouldn’t share everything going on in our heads. But from what I’ve read and heard from people I know and on the Internet, many women are jealous when their lovers check out other women. They feel threatened by that, for whatever reason.
So I think it’s healthier to talk about it — either how it makes you feel (in a kind, loving way), or as a way to open up communication, ie, “What is it about her that attracts you?” It’s kind of a peek into his head and what turns him on.
It isn’t disrespectful to share fantasies. It’s only disrespectful if you ACT on them!
I will read this blog to see what it’s all about. Hope you continue to check out mine as well.