Honey, Remember Your Boundaries
October 2, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
When my boyfriend and I dated the first time around, back when we were teens, we were very serious. We spent as much time as possible together, we left out friends behind, for the most part. He stayed out our house frequently – he even had a bed. We talked about everything, secrets were a bad idea, or so we thought. On my 18th birthday, he picked me up, took me to his house and then sat with me when I suddenly came down with an upset stomach. I barfed and barfed and barfed, he sat beside me. We had very few boundaries.
Back then, I thought that this was a good thing, but eventually it was too much. We were so young and we were living like old married people. We broke up when he went back to school for his senior year. He needed to be a kid again. I was devastated at the time, but I absolutely understand now.
A healthy relationship needs some boundaries. Today I read What Should You Keep Private In A Relationship? on AOL Health. The piece discusses some of the common things that come up in a relationship like going to the bathroom with the door open, sharing secrets, sharing fantasies, sharing a bed, and farting. (Oh yes, that first fart, yeesh, awkward).
I’ve noticed that my boyfriend and I have some clearer boundaries this time. Some of this comes with age and some of it comes from self-preservation. I no longer want to know all his secrets. In fact, I say, “please don’t ever tell me……….” on occasion. I like my Steve 2.0 with a touch of mystery. Not that we keep a lot of secrets, details sort of spill out over time and learning about his past is helping me to understand some of the quirks in our present.
We do close that bathroom door when we need privacy. When we dated the first time, he used to watch me put on my makeup. He has no interest in that anymore and once, when he did watch, he freaked out when I plucked a hair out of face. I mean freaked! “Ugh!” It was funny to see him go all squirrely. It was just a hair. Sheesh. I’m 42 and they are popping out all over these days. I do know not to do that in front of him again. It doesn’t matter if I trim the guy’s nose and ear hair for him – one pluck and he goes nuts. Boys are funny. I will probably always be more comfortable with the body stuff than he is, I think it comes from being a mom and well, I’m just not very squeamish.
How about you? When you are in a relationship, are you very share-y or do you like to keep things to yourself? How important are boundaries?
Image credit – Michelle Smith
The facial hair thing made me laugh. Even after 18 years together, we have our boundries. I usually tell him “I need girl time”. He knows this is his cue to leave the room because I have to take care of business that he really doesn’t want to see.
Bathroom door – #1 = open door (usually), #2 or “girl time” = door closed for sure.
I think we all deserve a little privacy now and then.
Definitely. I agree. The article mentioned that too much familiarity could turn a romantic relationship lukewarm, make your man feel more like a brother. I don’t want that.
For me it depends on the guy. My ex and I used to go to the bathroom with the door open. But I remember that he used to like it when I’d go in there to put on makeup and come out looking all “prettified”. He’d shower with the door open, but I wouldn’t. (Must’ve been a trust thing. LOL)
My boundaries fall more along the lines of communication. I had one guy send me a really gross, sexual image on my phone after our first date and I was mortified. However had someone I’d been with for a year sent the same pic, I would’ve laughed. I know, I’m weird. LOL
You aren’t weird. You’ve got to have some shared experiences so that when someone does something like that – sends that kind of picture – you know them enough to know that they are just joking around, that they aren’t some sort of perv. You need to know them well enough to have some point of reference to make the conclusion.
I hope that made sense – no coffee yet.