How Full is Full Disclosure?
May 9, 2008 by Gabrielle
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
This weekend, my friend shared this looong Washington Post article with me (thanks, S.) Liza Mundy’s article entitled Maternal Truths explores pre-baby exploits and whither or not to share said exploits with your kids:
Likely, few children would think to ask their mom if she appeared in her birthday suit, or portions of it, in public…But children do ask other, more plausible questions, and it strikes me that sooner or later many mothers of our generation will have some ’splainin’ to do. Coming of age, as we did, in the 1970s — that golden era of basement recreation rooms, Spencer Gifts stores, contraceptive breakthroughs and the discovery that marijuana could be baked into brownies — many of today’s most responsible mothers (and fathers) once engaged in social experimentation that might surprise their offspring. Even if they were not the people naked in the mud at Woodstock, they were probably doing something they are glad wasn’t photographed. Ironically, it is these very memories that have turned many of us into hyper-vigilant parents, intent on making sure our children don’t get up to the very behaviors our cohort once engaged in with such glee.
I am hoping that I have escaped the trend of hyper-vigilant parenting, preferring instead the laissez faire approach to child rearing that many of us Gen X’ers experienced. But these questions do not escape my serious consideration.
When I think about interrogations by future maybe babies, mine usually revolve around how to answer the, “mommy, where did I come from?” realm of queries. But this article brings up a whole different can of worms. Luckily, I have resources like the Donor Conception Network’s Telling and Talking Guide to help with the where I came from questions. But how do I answer the what the hell were you doing before I got here variety??
I know that most of my blogging pals are all about full disclosure around origins. But what about the the questions posed by Ms. Mundy? Do you feel its your duty to share what you’ve learned from your own experiences? Even the illicit ones? Or are there things in your life that shall never be revealed to your little innocents?
Personally, I think it depends on why I’m being asked the question.
For instance, if my son asks to be inquisitive, I’ll give him a pretty fair and honest answer. But if he’s asking to justify his own behavior or illicit choices, I will throw it back at him, “This isn’t about Mommy; it’s about you.”
Of course, he’s only four-and-a-half. Ask me again when he’s a teen and I’ll probably give a totally different answer! ha ha ha
Eh, I don’t think kids would need to know everything I did in my past. Frankly, knowing stuff my parents did basically gave me tacit permission to do those things myself, at least in my head. And then years later I find myself explaining my actions to a security investigator for my government clearance.
I think, overall, I would have to have a good reason to share. It also would depend on what the issue was — I’d probably be more open about sex before marriage than other stuff. I wouldn’t want my kids deciding it’s ok to drink so much you don’t know how you got home, based on a story I told them. Or something like that.
Great points Megan and Angelique. I think you are right, context and the timing of the conversation would make the difference.
Well, I thought you were asking about the ‘fertility’ angle. It was hard enough for ME to talk to my daughter about ‘who’s my father’ kind of things when it was a 50:50 deal. I think I know because of her … quirks shall we say. Thing like she likes clam chowder. She sure didn’t get that from me. And she started making banana and peanut butter sandwiches one day when I NEVER had! From this, and other things, I think I know who now…
My boyfriend’s sister went thru three years of clinical work to have HER baby!
How do you tell your growing kid that there isn’t a daddy, just a 30 page dossier (i’ve seen it – it has everything but the guy’s PHONE NUMBER!) I mean.
She did things this way because she doesn’t like people… yeah, her little boy is about 1 1/2 years old now. THAT’S gonna be interesting to watch.
I don’t get it. Of course, she doesn’t HAVE any sordid tales about a father who came from a clinic’s pipette…
Yet, those questions will probably come. They did for me.
Pam Hoffman
http://seminarlist.blogspot.com