It wasn’t until my son was born, who is the biggest cutie, but somewhat quirky kid, that I started doing research (not wanting him to go through what I did, and being able to empathise with a lot of his complaints), and realised that him and I both likely have Aspergers.. both of us have SIDs varients (his has extreme tactile issues, along with sound, and light; mine are sound, tactile, and vertical orientation (which I always was told was just inner ear damage, but my hearing is off the chart) ); both have issues with identifying social ques; both are very routine oriented (grin – anal would be better – he’s a little nag even about things like how far back to turn on the signal light, and did I mention he’s only 4?).

Of course, like the other post about the joke pill, I have a hard time getting help for him, since everyone thinks he’s such a polite little boy, to which I want to answer that even good kids can have issues. And 90% of his manners come from his obsession with rules, and “the rules say that we say please and thank-you”, so he does! (smile)

To finally prove my point to one of his aunts, I had her play “cars” with him – in his world that means lining 100 or so cars up in a perfectly straight line. I had her move 1 car midline 1/8 inch away from the one ahead while he was out of the room, which he immediately noticed, went “hmpht!”, and moved 70 cars forward 1/8inch to fix the line. And he kept “fixing” the line for over 2 hrs!

He’s just the greatest kid in the world, and its just so hard for me to watch him get into “trouble” with others because he is highly functioning, but yet still challenged…

Sorry about the rant, but this is the first time I’ve found a community who has any idea of what its been like..

I’m still anxious and reluctant to declare myself being on the spectrum, even in an online context and using a pseudonym, stemming from the same base of “well, I can’t be, I’m a girl and spoke early without any loss later on.” I can objectively look and see that I meet criteria without wanting to claim them all the time. There’s no real stigma attached to saying one has autistic-like traits, or is part of a Broad Autisitc Phenotype, but there’s some stigma in claiming the label. As an adult, it’s hard to make that jump and claim it. If autism does present differently in women (and the most common signs are percieved differently in women)–and the autistic women I’ve known personally, offline, seems to encourage the line of thinking for me–then I’m not sure we will ever see a number parity among adult autisitcs. There is a huge risk involved in being diagnosed as an adult if you are not struggling–a risk of discrimination at all levels (employment and social). I think adults undiagnosed but with ASD will only be diagnosed if they have a problem or perhaps if they have a child with ASD; logically, those of us without diagnosis who are doing fine aren’t going to seek diagnosis or even think about it. If accurate criteria for girls can be put forward that accounts for the social conditioning we are all put through (regardless of how well it seems to ‘take’), we might sometime see closer to equal numbers of boys and girls diagnosed as children.

I have a lot more thoughts, but not the means to outline them right now. I think it might be time to start a blog.

My mother maintains that I am a hypochondriac and has some frankly revisionist ideas about my childhood. Last time I brought up the possibility of my being on the spectrum, she told me flat out that I was hysterical (sound familiar?). Additionally, had she know about autism when my brother and I were small children, she’d have had him tested because he spoke late. He was within the range of average development, and I was a chatterbox who understood his baby babble and was more than happy to give a translation. He is, as far as I can guess, NT. Despite my documented social impairments and difficulties with my peers, she would never have considered getting a diagnosis for me. When I was 16 and had panic attacks because I was so overstimulated trying to drive a car and listen to instructions, I was slapped with an anxiety disorder diagnosis and medicated.

I love her, but her revisionist ideas about my childhood are probably worse than the actual time was, just because she feels that she has to reimagine it.

I can say the nice things to people. I can offer metaphorical hugs and, whilst this certaintly wasn’t always the case, I can now mention one aspect of something in a favourable light, even if the whole thing isn’t to my liking. Or I can be straighter and say “it’s not to my taste” rather than “that’s rubbish”.
But where I fall down, besides my difficulties in intiating and expressing myself, is through omission. If someone asks me a direct question about themselves, or if they directly say they’re upset, I can give them sympathy or an answer that hopefully won’t come across as rude. However, I will frequently leave a person in mid conversation, walking off or I’ll switch off mid conversation and find myself getting distracted by some tiny thing in front of me. Or I’ll forget to reciprocate the “and how are you?” I’ll forget to ask people things about themselves, or realise to check after them. I won’t phone up someone for a chat. I rarely visit people. I can take friendships off line as far as “friendly work colleague who you don’t mix with at lunchtime and you don’t contact after work” and that’s it.
Now, my dad knows that this failure to maintain friendships, or to remember what needs doing, is something that can cause problems. I can remember him seriously berating me at the age of 15 when I left a slightly older lass standing in the porch whilst I just wandered off (although I did remember to say the word “bye” as I turned my back on her ). Whereas I missed so many things going on that I was rarely aware of anything affecting other people.
But the funny thing with my dad, is that whilst he knew all these social niceties, he often displayed a significant lack of tact and understanding when expressing his views or opinions. To my dad, it did not always occur to him that others could be hurt by what he said. He could say some vicious things that, in retrospect he did not realise could have been worded a lot better. Things like asking my older sister (who was one of only four to be entered in her class for the 11 + ) why she wasn’t as clever as the six month younger son of my mum’s friend. Or telling myself when my lunch box got deliberately hidden that people must think I was stupid. Or saying again to my elder sister, when she went to hold his hand at the age of 11 or 12, very tersely “no, you’re too old”. And myself, who would miss out on noticing my mum’s extreme exhaustion, who would not notice when others stared at my hand flapping, would think “that’s not nice” and resolve not to act like that towards others.

Also, I see my daughter with her classmates (she is one of 2 girls, the rest are all boys). They are all different in their own ways, yet very similar. I don’t see the girls as appearing so unique. When I speak to the boy students’ parents, we have very much in common. So, I don’t see this line between boy & girl autistics.

I will say, my youngest having an older (very dramatic and animated) sister may help her social characteristics. Outside of our house, she is nearly nonverbal, does not approach others, etc. (=still has major social issues). However, inside our house, she will play (to some extent) with her sister. She also can mimic her sister perfectly–tone and body movement, all of it. In those moments, where she *is* her sister, it’s hard to “find” her autism, if you will. Again, those are just passing moments–5 seconds here and there. But, if she didn’t have a sibling, those moments would not exist at all. Likewise, if she had a brother, what would those motions look/sound like? Perhaps in certain settings, an autistic girl would appear differently, even *less* autistic than her male counterpart? Are girls able to pick up on social cues better?

My older daughter definitely has some Aspie characteristics. She also is gifted, has some sensory issues, needs extra help focusing, and is “sensitive.” My husband & I also have some Aspie traits, both of us classified as “gifted” as children. I often say that there is a light shade of violet between the autism spectrum and gifted children–lots of similarities. I will also add–I was dx with ADD as a teen. Prior to that, I’d be accused of being a “dreamer.” Perhaps in that respect, sex did play a role? Who knows.

Ultimately, I feel strongly that if your child–boy or girl–is autistic and they are in need of services, a good physician will properly diagnose them. Wow this was long. Time for bed.

I think it’s not that a female child with autism will have worse treatment, but she might end up with less treatment – its actually more socially acceptable for a girl to be sensitive or dramatic, though if one is considered so she tends to be taken less seriously (this is a problem – stereotypically feminine traits are discounted – women are expected to suppress them in order to be taken seriously).

I think maybe because the behaviors are more socially acceptable in girls, and also because they are less likely to be exhibited in an aggressive manner in girls, because of the way our society brings girls up, they are less likely to be noticed.

While women are stereotypically social, no one has a problem with the sweet, shy girl, but the sweet, shy boy is ostracized. So the fact that the girl isn’t just ’shy’ goes unnoticed while the boy gets services.

There’s your feminist issue.

Also for those bothered by the label, ‘emotional disturbed’ or ‘emotional impairment’ is used to provide services to a child. My daughter has issues, but not a diagnosis (she doesn’t fall on the spectrum, either – it’s probably a combo of anxiety and depression) so emotional impairment gets her the services she needs. However her school is so, so, so much more positive about it than I’ve heard other schools are.