How much time do you spend each day hating your body?
October 16, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
I wanted to do a little experiment, so I started focusing on all the moments in one day that I spend hating my body.
The results? Not so positive. (But predicable nonetheless.)
For instance, right now it’s 9:30 a.m. where I live. I’ve been up for about three hours. I’ve already denied myself certain foods because I don’t want to become “fat”, I’ve spent quite a few minutes loathing my legs because of their “jiggle-ness” and I purposely avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror when I disrobed to take my shower.
As I write, I’m feeling overweight (even though I’m of a normal weight) and “bulky”. I’m already planning what I’ll allow myself to eat for lunch and what I’ll avoid. And I’m plotting how to get in better shape (although I know that to most people I’m already in perfectly okay shape.)
Sigh.
Why do we spend so much time hating ourselves like this?
Can you imagine how blissful it would be to feel perfectly fine for 24 hours? That’s now my goal — to spend a day not loathing my appearance. Cross your fingers and say a prayer…
“Can you imagine how blissful it would be to feel perfectly fine for 24 hours?” Nope!!! Haven’t had a day much different than the one you just described in years (and I’m only 25).
The first thing I do when I get out of bed, at 3:30 am (cause I have to go to the gym before work) is examine my stomach…this is pretty much an indicator of how my day will go. If it doesn’t look ok…my day is done! It’s already over. Forget any food…I don’t deserve it cause my stomach clearly is saying to me “hey fatty why not have some more?”
I then go to the gym. I immediately get on the scale…indicator #2: if I’m over 120 I say “fat ass” and walk away.
I then enter the equipment area, which is essentially a large room composed of mirrors and begin to poked fun at my 5′6 inch 120-123 pound body. Even on the tonest of days, when my arms look great or I like how my legs look, I’ll find something to scrutinize.
Once I get home, I have to face the mirror…this is when I ask myself, “am I beautiful at all…in anyway?” I generally answer in disgust…
Getting dressed is a chore…nothing feels good…nothing looks good.
And the food thing…we won’t even go there. The only reason I’ve had some peace lately (about the last 6 weeks) is because I have been taking Phentermine to suppress my appetite so that my entire day isn’t destroyed by thoughts of food. Because I know if its a bad day (which 9.5 out of 10 are) I will either a. withhold from eating almost altogether which drives the obsessive thoughts about food to be even stronger or b. I will eat something, even a small something and it will end up in the toilet.
The saddest thing is: Phentermine is an amphetamine…I will soon switch to Adderall, another amphetamine…both drugs that one’s body becomes tolerant of causing the need for increased dosages and most importantly, dependance. The thought of not having an appetite suppressant and going back to where I was 6 weeks ago terrifies me…
Now not only do I hate me, but I hate me and I will forever be dependant on a drug to function semi-normally.
Despite hours of independent research on eating disorders, I’ve come to the final conclusion that to some extent:
if I want to be and feel beautiful, if I want to captivate and fascinate others, if I want to truly live…I need first to gain the courage to love myself. I just don’t know how to do that.
Just found your blog via google reader, I look forward to reading more.
I spend way too much time beating myself up. I stopped weighing myself and that has helped tremendously but I still have a long way to go.
I’m actually kinda chubby, at 5′6″ and 185lbs and I hate my body every day. I obsess over every morsel of food that I look at, which these days is only one child sized meal a day. I’m losing weight, but not fast enough. That girl who hates her body at 120-123, I’d die to have that body to be mad at. I skip eating most days, opting for just insane amounts of water and diurex. I’m 24 y/o and have struggled with my weight for over half my life. I used to be almost 300, and did a great and healthy job of getting over 100lbs off. Now, 2 years after I’d reached my goal of 140 I’m back up to 185 and ready to kill myself over it. I don’t think most people get what its like to actually have a reason to hate your body. Its one thing if you’re socially perfect and hate your body, at least part of you knows your feelings are unfounded. When you KNOW you’re fat and that others think so too, its a little bit harder.
You said, “Its one thing if you’re socially perfect and hate your body, at least part of you knows your feelings are unfounded. When you KNOW you’re fat and that others think so too, its a little bit harder.”
I am assuming you meant no harm by saying this. However, its important that I explain why that is hurtful to me.
I feel like there’s been an incinuation that it is easier for those of us who are not (in your words) “fat.”
First of all, hating my body isn’t what drives this disorder. It’s simply a side effect of the disorder. I hate myself. Therefore it doesn’t matter what weight I am. Social perfection is a camafloage that hides how I truly feel about me…utter disgust.
You should read my post again…and again…and again. I have an eating disorder. I battle it everyday…in everyway. From 3am til the time I fall asleep. To minimize it simply because in your eyes I’m where you’d like to be, isn’t fair. An eating disorder is an eating disorder…it’s not easier for anyone.
I’d like to close by pasting the last paragraph from the post…it applies to all of us…no matter what we weigh.
“Despite hours of independent research on eating disorders, I’ve come to the final conclusion that to some extent:
if I want to be and feel beautiful, if I want to captivate and fascinate others, if I want to truly live…I need first to gain the courage to love myself. I just don’t know how to do that.”
No, no harm was meant. You also can’t possibly see this from my point of view b/c you’ve never been on my end of it. If you looked at me you’d say “god she’s fat” especially if you think your 120lb frame is fat. I get turned down by men b/c of my size, I get glared at by people b/c I’m not skinny. If I were to gain 15 lbs I’d be 200! 200?! You do know what its like to have an eating disorder. You don’t know what its like to have one and still actually be over weight. Its torture. I’ve always struggled with bulimia and nobody is even remotely suspicious b/c I’m not skinny. For some reason my body just won’t go below 185 and its literally killing me.
I do see it from your perspective… I get what you are saying but you are just too angry to actually listen to what I am saying to you.
The weight DOESN’T matter…its about so much more than weight. You cannot minimize someone else’s suffering, torture, pain and so on simply because they are where you’d like to be cause at the end of the day we both hurt, we both barely function, and we both hate ourselves. SEE THAT>>>>>SEE THAT ITS MORE THAN WEIGHT!
Please try to remember that everyone feels tortured and that everyone is literally dying from this.