How my caregiving experience has shaped what I want for myself

Nicole asked, “How has your caregiving experience changed what you want for yourself and your kids as you get older?”

I know firsthand that there’s a fine line and it’s a controversial word, but, in no way do I want to be a “burden” to my children, even unintentionally.

I have said before that the best thing my parents have give/gave me is permission and assurance that it’s OK to do whatever I need to do regarding their care. Sure, “hard work” and “burden” are two different things, but, knowing what I know now, I will assure all 3 of my children the same thing when they are adults and while I still have my wits about me.

My mother was an only child, too, and, her mother gave her the same gift. The “while you have your wits about you” is the important part (not to imply that elders don’t have their wits about them, I just mean don’t wait to have the discussion in case confusion or dementia becomes an issue), because, when my grandmother became confused, she was telling my mother different things, but, my mother was secure in her decision to use a nursing home because they had discussed it.

My mother also gave me a different perspective. She readily agreed to move to the hospice facility before she died, not because she necessarily wanted to leave home, but, in her words, she was, “tired of taking” all the time (due to her constant care needs at home from my father and me). That was something she could still do for us, even when she was near death.

Also, If I am ever in the position of taking care of my husband (or vice versa), I don’t want to be one of those little ladies who refuses assistance with his care, or, keeps him at home when I clearly can’t manage it. I have seen that in my friend’s family, and, while they think they’re not bothering anyone, it has placed a tremendous stress on their children.
Easy for me to say now, but, I guess I won’t know what that’s like until I face it.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that I will make my wishes known, and, my primary wish is that my children know that whatever they feel is best when it comes to my care is OK with me, and, that I feel strongly that my care should not interfere with what they need to do for their own families.

This implied that my three children will know how to balance such things, and, I’m not totally abandoned in some nursing home in rural Montana, but, there’s nothing I can do about that, it will be whatever it will be.

Of course, there will always be conflicts for those taking care of their own children, and, their aging parents, but, I don’t think even my parents know what it’s really like because they only had me, and, my mother didn’t work.

Actually, my dad was the only sibling in town when his father was aging, but, I’m not sure people were this angsty about such things back then.

Anyway, don’t misunderstand, I was and am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my parents’ care is what they want.

Though there’s nothing “easy” about the whole thing, I just want to make sure that I try to remember what it was like for me, and, do whatever I can to make it as best I can for my children.