How to Argue

Kerri’s post the other day on arguing when others are around has garnered a few comments, so I thought I’d follow it up with a few tips from my own brains.

Tip #1 – It’s Not About Winning
This may be the hardest single thing that some of us have to learn. That competitive spirit runs so deep that we forget marriage isn’t a competition and our spouse isn’t our opponent. The mantra around our house is “Same Team,” because as laid back as we are, even we need to be reminded of that. Sometimes being on the Same Team means not pressing the issue when you’re right. Other times it means admitting when you were wrong. In both of these cases your marriage scores a point, because you’re on the Same Team.

Tip #2 – Don’t Project; Own Your Own Feelings and Actions
Projecting involves taking your own actions or feelings and shifting responsibility for them to your spouse. It’s an attempt to deny responsibility and shift blame, and it doesn’t get you anywhere in your marriage. When you say things like, “You made me do this,” or, “You made me feel like that,” you’re projecting. Don’t do it. Instead, own your own feelings and actions. Acknowledge that you are free and it is your choice to act and feel the way you do in response to something your spouse has done. The only way to know who is responsible for what is to accept responsibility for ourselves.

Tip #3 – Don’t Assume; Ask
Most of us already know what happens when you assume. That’s right, it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Marriage doesn’t change this rule. If you assume you’re bound to get it wrong, and when your already in an argument, you don’t need to make things more difficult. Instead, of assuming, ask questions. If your spouse says something that isn’t crystal clear in your mind, ask for clarification. It is best if you both understand the point of contention completely. Otherwise your attempts to find a solution will only be frustrated.

Tip #4 – Think “Laser” Not “Shotgun”
When you are arguing, think “laser,” not “shotgun.” Focus on one issue at a time, and avoid bringing up other things that you may be working on unless they directly relate as a symptom or an underlying cause of the topic at hand. It can be easy to throw in the kitchen sink, but that will only confuse and overwhelm things. As much as possible, work on one thing at a time.

Tip #5 Choose Your Words Wisely
Some words are wonderful for letting out and expressing raw emotion, but when it comes to solving a problem they are absolutely horrible. As good as a cathartic tirade of obscenities might sound in your head, it isn’t going to help in an argument. EVER! I mean it. Insulting or attacking your spouse will never help the situation. If you really need to let out the emotion, get in the car, turn up the radio and let the expletives flow. But when you are face to face with your spouse, find other words to express yourself. The effort is takes to find the right words will bring you and your spouse closer to identifying the problem precisely.

Tip #6 – Remember: You’re on the SAME TEAM!
I cannot stress this enough. If you remember this fact, then almost everything else will fall into place. When you and your spouse are on the same team, you are working toward the same goal, a lasting and mutually fulfilling marriage. And you do whatever it takes to achieve that goal.