How to Manage the Holidays with Newly Adopted Children

The holidays are stressful for everyone. The hustle and bustle of family, parties, shopping, religious events, school events, and vacations. Throw in a newly adopted child and one has chaos written all over the scene. Our first Thanksgiving and Christmas was traumatic for AJ. In fact, it was so traumatic that I think it probably contributed to some of his Post Traumatic Stress. In retrospect, it is possible that the first 6 months home in our care could have even caused his PTSD but there was little that we could do about it.

We had a very specific plan in place when we left to pick up AJ; bring him home, follow our rules, and no travel until he was ready. Unfortunately, God threw a kink in that plan, as Grandpa Pickel was diagnosed with esophageal cancer just one week after we returned from Russia. So, three weeks after traveling across the world we packed up AJ and drove him to Chicago, where he, in turn, flipped out.

Oh, everyone thought he was so cute (until he hit them), and so adorable (until he screamed in their faces), and so bubbly (until he had night terrors that lasted hours). And no one could understand why we tried to isolate him in the basement (he could not stand the crowds), or why we were feeding him with only a bottle (he would not chew), or why we were so stressed out (everyone said he was just fine when we knew better).

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around we knew the travel was going to be horrific but we had to go home to see Grandpa. By that time we knew of AJ’s severe Sensory Integration Dysfunction, his oral motor and eating issues, his sleep problems, and his issues with separation anxiety and self injurious behavior as well as his behavior towards us. He had a very obvious fight or flight behavior.

How did we handle these issues and how can you?

1. Parent your child the way you know how to parent your child…not the way the norm tells you to. I told my MIL that we were not eating Thanksgiving dinner at the table because AJ could not handle it (and boy was she mad). Instead, our family ate in the kitchen and fed AJ his own food, his way. We were away from stimulus, away from people, and away from distraction. AJ, to this day, won’t eat with distractions and will only chew food if he is calm. We always take our standard baby food jars with us (and we get stares from people because AJ is 4) but this is the way we know he is. He physically, emotionally, and neurologically can not eat/chew food in sensory stimulating environments.

2. Take along comfort items like blankets, stuffed animals, toys that your child is familiar with if you are traveling.

3. Stick to a routine. When we lived in Michigan and traveled home for these holidays we still put him to bed at 7 despite the holiday festivities. If we didn’t we knew the consequences would be disastrous for the next day. We had meals at the same time (we requested this of our parents) One set of parents was very accommodating to this request and the other was not. So, we fed AJ early and allowed him to play during dinner. This upset the parent but because we knew what was best for him (and we knew he physically had to eat at a certain time) we followed our own rules.

If you are not traveling sticking to a routine is still just as important, especially if a newly adopted child is used to having structure like school. Even though AJ has been home 2.5 years we still stick to routine and structure because he needs it. We enroll him in a special needs camp to keep him active or we structure his day with low-grade activity to keep him busy. An unstructured day leads to chaos.

4. Keep Stimulation Low. To a newly adopted child stimulation is the root of all evil. Our first Christmas with AJ was spent at my parents house in Illinois because Grandpa Pickel was ill and we did not want to expose him to anything but we still wanted to travel to see him. My father was constantly turning on all the Christmas lights in the house and my mother got out every single Christmas decoration she could find (after we specifically told them not to). We had learned just after we put our Christmas tree up that AJ could not handle the lights because he would self stimulate by putting his face into the tree and staring at the lights for hours. We did not put any other Christmas decorations out either because we knew he would have trouble with them.

Lights, sounds, people all contribute to stimulation. Limit all of these things as much as possible and insist that others help you with this. If they can’t, then you must take it upon yourself to do it. We ended up clearing my parent’s living room, our bedroom there, and the kitchen of much of the decorations so AJ could not stim or get into things. It helped but we had to constantly explain to my parents about who he was. They are now getting used to it.

5. Limit gifts. Newly adopted children, especially ones from institutions, don’t always know how to play with toys and many actually prefer human contact to toys. By showering them with gifts and toys we overstimulate them and we also give them things they don’t need. What they need, especially if they are delayed, are products and toys that are meant to aid in development and work with them. Make a list for parents or use one of mine for Christmas lists.

6. Teach calming techniques Calming techniques are obviously good for everyone to know but especially good for kids who need to know how to self regulate. Counting, singing, deep breathing are all good ways for children to calm.

7. Sleep Make sure that you, and your child, get enough sleep. Any sleep deprived person is difficult. Maintain a nap schedule and take one with them.

8. Send a list of rules to friends and relatives (or post it on the door to your home) so they know how to treat your child. One of the most important things we did was post (and send) a list of rules to our friends and relatives. Sure, it sounds harsh, but we did not was everyone hugging and kissing AJ, feeding him, bringing him presents, and treating him as if he was a brand new baby. He was two and from an institution wherein no one gave him affection. He had several caregivers and had never had a mama and papa. In order for him to know who his mama and papa were we needed to be a solid foundation for him and we needed friends and family to help us solidify that.

9. Know that it is okay to be rude. This is your child. You are newly home from foster care, from an international country, or from a domestic adoption and you know what is best for your child. Be rude.

10. Know what is a big deal and what is not. This one is hard. Grandma getting AJ one more present than I suggested is not a big deal. Grandma getting mad about me putting my foot down on bedtime or eating arrangements or commenting one too many times on his family history in public? Big Deal. Nip it in the bud.