Huh-UH!

One of the things that Marc and I agreed to when we took on this blog is that we would blog about anything and everything AND we would be transparent and real.  After all, there is nothing helpful about a perfect marriage.  We all need to look at marriages that aren’t perfect and work anyway!

So I have read your comments on Marc’s post with interest.   Actually I read Marc’s post with interest!

It is not commonly known that I am ADD.  I come across as being very organized because I have learned to compensate for it by having a schedule and sticking to it.  You see, back in the 60’s there was no such thing as ADD, just children who were disobedient.  You learned to compensate or you got swats.  Life was easy.

So, compensate I did, and I did it very well. I was the  type of homemaker that dusted the tops of the door frames monthly and always had a casserole in the freezer.  I could maintain the image of being somewhat perfect, and that was important to me.  I liked it.

Now my schedule is a joke.  We live in a 4300 square foot 100 year old  house that needs to be restored, and I am only finished with three rooms, and those not completely. Meals, which used ot consist of a main dish, two sides, and dessert are now often peanut butter sandwiches, spagetti with canned sauce or hotdogs.  My family almost did not know what store bought bread was…they know now.  I sewed, I spun wool (from our own sheep) into yarn and knitted it into mittens, I created glorious meals in a clean house…

When Marc lost his job because of his disability I was very blessed to begin writing.  And I was blessed more as more people read my work and liked it.  And more..and more..and more jobs….Pretty soon I had something I never wanted, a career.

So, we still homeschool 6 kids, I still have to cook, I still like my house to be clean..only now I have added a full time job to it.

My best stress release has always been prayer and sex.  More stress? More prayer.  More sex.  Spiritually charged and physically satiated I was able to get through anything.  What prayer and sex could not handleI was always able to talk to Marc about because he is my best friend.

Now…things are a little different.  Sex is really not an option very much.  I am high drive.  6 to 12 times a week is perfect.  Two times a month (maybe) is frustrating.

I can’t clean the house because I am working. With all the freelancing I am doing I work between 18 and 20 hours a day 6 days a week. I try to take Sundays off for church but often will have to knock out an article before church or between services.  Marc is doing some things but he spent 28 years not cleaning house, nor is he adept at supervising the kids chores which means that a bare minimum gets done (and the kids often do a less than acceptable job) and I am constantly in fear of the health department swooping down on the house and finding myself on the 10 o clock news.

School? He is doing better with the kids but..again, I have been homeschooling since 1989, he has only been doing it since March of this year.  The kids prefer my explanations and teachings..and he doesn’t really get everything done that I would do.  Putting them in school is not, and will not be an option.  We do not toss this information around either, but of our 8 kids, all of them have IQs in the 120-170 range, are gifted, and have learning disabilites of one sort or another..which adds to the work but it is important that they are given the opportunity to excel.  Our 16 year old is making straight A’s in college.

Add to that Marc not being able to drive.. so..I take the 16 year old to college 5 days a week and pick him up, he is also doing drivers ed…so that is on the agenda..there and back 5 days..  Drive everyone to various activities, have to shop and do all the wife things, take Marc to VA appointments several times a month…and keep up with my deadlines.  I do not have a laptop, nor can I afford one.  I write, on an average four to six  300-500 word posts a day, plus two 1,000 word articles per day.  Add images, recipes and cooking that I do for Baking Delights, research….

Then there is the finances and bills… I took those over when Marc got sick because sometimes his medications make him flakey.

Again, I have 18 to 20 hour days.

Am I whining? Not really.  It is what it is.  I would rather go through all of this with Marc than have a perfect life without him

BUT, because of the issues there are things I cannot talk to him about because they would be hurtful.  He knows that. I have discussed that with him.  I have no one that I can really talk to about all of this in detail because noone really knows what to say. I get that. It is o..k.

God is taking me through something hard.  And He is taking me through alone.  And I am very lonely.  Very lonely.

I battle with my mind. Having a high sex drive (and yes this is one of the biggest issues because of the physical and emotional discomfort involved) I battle wth fantasies and temptations.  Marc knows that too.   I can’t exactly pour out my heart to him about those things, now can I?

SO sometimes, I just need to be quiet so that I don’t say something that will add to the stress, hurt, pain, and  frustration that we are all ready going through.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My eyes would fill up with tears and I couldn’t do anythign to control it…I can’t leave home and get away because I am needed to do the driving…even if I could get my work together enough to take a day off.

Sometimes I feel trapped.  Sometimes I would really like my life to be all about me.  Does that seem selfish and unspiritual? I told you I want this blog to be on the edge transparent and real.  I think that as an almost 50 year old married woman I should not have to take care of myself sexually, so to speak.  It… is… not… fair.

So there you have it.  Transparancy.

Image:marye audet