Human Knot

My husband and I went on a marriage retreat this weekend. We had participated in a marriage education program in our area called Vow.

The most fascinating exercise, for me, was the human knot. We got in a circle, grabbed two strangers’ hands across from us, and had to unknot ourselves without letting go of either hand.

Here’s how it plays out:

I hold back and assess the situation waiting for someone to step up as a leader. Maybe there’s an engineer in the crowd or someone who works complicated brain puzzles in their spare time.

No one steps up and I ask a few questions of our instructors. Is this absolutely possible? Yes. Is this a riddle about letting go? No. Will we end up in our same positions at the end? No, you’ll be next to whoever’s hand your holding.

I see how I can go up, over and under a bunch of people’s hands and end up in a different place. I go for it. I ask the person behind me to follow.

Now I can’t see the end. I am unsure of my outcome. I’m completely ready to try any and all ideas. Look down at your own hands and see if you can get a strategy to end up next to the person who’s hand your holding I tell them. I work myself and the two people on either side of me out of the chain.

Someone announces I should be the leader. I’ll do it, I say, but I’m turned to the outside and can’t see anyone’s hands anymore. I ask them to be the eyes.

My husband says, I have an idea.

Jeremy has an idea and he’s really smart, we should listen to him, I say.

His idea works for a while, at the opposite end of the chain. He drops it. One of the stronger men, says he can see how he can get several people moved to the outside. He takes over. I defer.

I realize his idea can only work if me and my end of the chain go through the knot again. Someone has to sacrifice their freedom for the good of the whole and I’m willing. I have no proof that my direction is better. He says he can see it and I believe him.

He gets stuck. We’ve reversed directions several times. It’s obvious that every time we reverse directions we get retied tighter into the knot. We have to stick with one plan.

Finally after an hour they tell us they can’t let us go on.

Failure. “No leader” they explain. You can’t have two chiefs in a marriage, you have to have an Indian. She was elected the leader, the man I deferred to says. Says the man who took over the leading, I say. Everyone laughs because it’s so obviously true.

I can immediately see in his marriage that he often tells his wife she can lead, but then he won’t let her. The mixed message of “you’re the leader” while leading probably causes lots of problems.

And in my marriage?

Jeremy’s smart, we should listen to him, I defer regularly.

Why didn’t you step up to lead? I asked him.

I didn’t care enough. I didn’t think the outcome would have been worth the effort, he says.

I realize it’s a crucial mistake to defer to someone who doesn’t care enough and this is our pattern.

Do you think it’s true there can only be one leader in a marriage? I ask while we’re playing Put Put later.

Maybe there can only be one leader for a project and you have to pick the person who is strongest in that area, he says.

Wouldn’t you agree that I’m the one best suited to be the leader in our finances, I venture.

I don’t want to talk about this now, I just want to have fun, he says.

I defer.

I’m a natural leader. But a good leader doesn’t defer the second someone else has an idea.

I can’t wait to take that leadership training Women Rule in New York City so I can learn how to both not defer and keep the peace.

Image: Ohio Camp Quest