I Am NOT Your Huckleberry!

Val Kilmer’s line (as Doc Holliday) in “Tombstone” was “I’m your huckleberry.” It was meant along the lines of “I’m the perfect man for the job” but I’d like to use it as if it meant “I’m your target.”

Well, I’m NOT your target! I’m certainly NOT your huckleberry!

Why? Many, many reasons, the first of which is I’m sober and have been for quite some time. Secondly, I’ve made my amends to you and have ended the damage I was doing to you.

From page 125;

“A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.”

I’m here to tell you that this is a true statement and we do outgrow this handicap. I’m NOT your huckleberry!

From page 126;

“Having been neglected and misused in the past, they think father owes them more than they are getting. They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and to show his contrition for what they suffered.”

A very interesting definition for “contrition”

“Deep sorrow and repentance for sin either because sin is displeasing to God or arising from love of God.”

You, my family, have decided that I am not deeply sorrowful and repentant? Now who’s playing God?

You have no idea the hurt…

Again, beginning on page 126;

“Both father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some justification. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse. The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world once more. Let them praise his progress.”

Praise? You see the deal here, right? No? The deal is that I am not alone! I am not the only one who has a family that knows absolutely nothing of praise and thankfulness and forgiveness. Many of us have families that only desire to have us suffer for our sins endlessly.

Well,

I Am NOT Your Huckleberry!

This is a true commentary on my life from the Big Book page 127;

“Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.”

Yes, I did. Yes, they are. Another challenge – from a professional’s mouth – I didn’t do all the damage but I was blamed for all of it. There was alcoholism in a previous family. The wife’s. Much damage already existed.

Had I been afforded the opportunity who knows how today might have unfolded but that was not the plan. So, where does all this lead?

I’ll skip ahead to page 133;

“So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.”

There will be no apology for what is the grace of God and my personal sobriety. I placed myself beyond human aid and was brought back by the love of a wondrous Higher Power! To allow myself to become and stayed depressed, feeling less than, feeling victimized, feeling persecuted, feeling unloved, would be the deliberate manufacture of my own misery at your hands. The disease would win and I’d no doubt be drunk. Not happening – for today.

I Am Not Your Huckleberry!!!

[Pic credits - Useless Graphics for the devil and Maxine.com for Maxine]