I Didn’t Save Him
I totally disagree.
Cain attributes some of the increase to high-profile celebrity adoptions by people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Madonna, and Meg Ryan.
“Thank you Brangelina,” says Cain of Wheaton. “It’s good they’re pointing out this is a good thing.”
They gave exposure to international adoption, which Cain says provides a wonderful result. “What a good thing,” she said, “They took these kids and gave them a home.”
Sure, they gave them a home. But they didn’t save them. My husband and I were talking about this after the Midwest Adoption Conference. We hate when people tell us that we saved AJ…that we did such a wonderful thing for him. When we tell people that AJ is adopted (because it really is not obvious if you see us together) they automatically tell us what a wonderful thing we did for him…wow, what would his life be like if you left him there?
Like he would rot? He would live. He would most likely still be living in the orphanage. He would probably be in the special needs orphanage because he would be considered handicapped by their standards and when he reached age he would then go live on the streets or be institutionalized. In the best case scenario they would have discovered his food issues and addressed them but I doubt it, as they have too many children to care for.
But, we did not do a wonderful thing. We adopted because we wanted a family and it was the only way we could have one. We adopted because we wanted to, not because we wanted to give a needy child a home.
Does that make me a horrible person? No.
But, don’t tell me I saved him. Did you ever think that perhaps I saved myself?
Marcie~
I have been reading all your recent posts and although I haven’t commented before now, I have been thinking so much about you and what you said. This post and the “scar” post in particular brought out so much emotion in me that I can’t even imagine the emotion you feel to have written them. Thank you for sharing so openly about what your motherhood journey has been like. My journey has been hard and sometimes tragic for very different reasons that I can share with you sometime. But I still resonate with so much of what you share. Even though we have only met once for a brief time, I feel like we know each other and have tons in common. I guess that is the blog-world for you. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks and that I feel so much of what you write.
F-thank you so much.
I know it sounds so cliche, or maybe stupid but I was crying when I wrote “the Scar”. It did bring up a lot of emotion in me, more than I thought it would. I have thought about that particular subject many times and have talked about it to several people but to put it in writing really choked me up, especially to think about his grandfather, who is not here anymore.
I write so openly because someone once told me that if one woman spoke the truth about motherhood and adoption then the whole world would stop and listen. I want people to know what it is like for me, what the truth of my life is like, and how I feel about everything. Sure, the truth may really make some people mad, but doesn’t the truth always do that?
Great post. How many times I have told people we did not do a wonderful thing for our younger three sons. We wanted more children. We chose to do so via adoption. I’m not a hero, my children are heroes for surviving their horrid infancies. I did not give them a wonderful gift…they are my wonderful gifts and they bless my life beyond belief.
Yes, my boys also saved me.
Thanks Melody. And, I like that you call them heroes.
I too am an adoptive mother of a child with special needs and disagree with the “I didn’t save him”. To save means “to rescue from danger or possible harm, to keep safe, to keep from getting lost” although your intention was to add to your family, you did these things as a natural outcome of becoming a parent to a child that did not have one. Although I too squirm at being called anything other than a normal human being for doing this, I look at the statistics and see that only 2% of American households adopt. There are over 143 million orphans world wide. Over 25,000 people die each day from hunger and poverty related conditions. I spent two months in my son’s country before bringing him home and saw first hand what would happen to him if I had left him there. He would have died young. He had multiple unmet medical needs on top of the emotional trauma of living several years in an orphanage. I rescued him from possible harm, kept him from further emotional trauma caused by living in an orphanage. I did save him from a short, painful and lonely life. Do I expect him to grow up and be grateful? No, not any more than I want my biological children to be grateful and look outside of themselves and realize there are more people in this world that have life and death needs than there are those willing to reach out and make a difference.
If you put it that way, sure. But when people look at me every single day and tell me how “lucky” he is that he is out of that place I think of “that place” as his birth place.
Make sense?
Ok, I am new at this blog, but LOVE IT! I responded to your “I am a horrible mom” post. People say all kinds of stupid things about adoption. Its not worth getting upset over. Sometimes I feel like saying, Are you always this nosy?
We adopted our two children this past september and we did so in order to “Save” them. We had a wonderful life being childless. But as we came closer to middle age we thought that we would like to give back in a profound way. We chose adoption.
Comming through customs and handing over our document packet I began to weep. At that moment I knew we have given these two children a wonderful gift” American Citizenship” and a “Wonderful” new life.
We all come to adoption from diffrent perspectives and with diffrent motives. I would not be the least bit offended if people said we saved our children. We did. And I celebrate and am grateful we were in a financial position to do so.
And I would not be the least bit offended if people said “We were the lucky ones”. We are.Its a true statement also.
You can’t possibly expect people to understand your personel intermost motives. Regadless of what Mr. Rodgers said we are all not that unique and so very special that people have to walk on egg shells to make sure they only say the most personalized sensitive comments.
We need to give Non adoptive people a break and not be so defensive if they stumble with comments or questions.