I don’t understand: Autistic boy assaulted while ordering food
February 24, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
While ordering his meal in a Pokez Mexican Restaurant [Address and Phone: 947 E St, San Diego, CA 92101; (619) 702-7160] on Thursday, David, who has autism was grabbed and shaken by the waitress—-who then started to mock him and yell directly into his ear.
What?
Jay, David’s father, describes the incident:
We had to wait about 15 min. to order, and the waitress seemed stressed. It was David’s turn to order… he was slow to make up his mind while ordering, and grumpy. Not yelling or anything himself, just cranky. The waitress took this as directed at her, she suddenly snapped. She grabbed his shoulder, shook him, and leaned over and started mocking him, yelling his words back directly in his ear. He asked her to stop, and she grabbed his shoulder and then started screaming in his ear. Screaming that she had had enough and didn’t have to work with this. And then she let go, stood up, told the table that she would not serve anyone at the table, and stalked away. He hadn’t touched her beforehand… he wasn’t even making eye contact, he had been looking at the menu.
Bad enough—but the response from the management completely baffles me.
We all looked at each other, in shock. After a pause, I got up and went to the manager, behind the register. I politely explained that I had an autistic son, that sometimes he needed a bit of extra time or patence [sic], and did not read body language well. And that his waitress had abused him and refused to serve our table, and that that was unacceptable. I wanted an apology and a different server. But the manager backed up the waitress. He said that she was right, and that if my son was “going to be too much trouble” then we should not let him order for himself in restaurants. That it was our fault for having a child that needed patience or hesitated while ordering, and so we should have ordered for him. And that our party should leave.
Jay has been talking to a lawyer from the local ASA chapter. When he went to file a report at the police station, he was informed that
since there was no lasting injury, it didn’t reach a criminal level of behavior on the waitress’s part, and hence he only recorded an “incident report” rather than one for suspected battery. The officer said that the waitress would have had to leave lasting injury *or* have knocked David out of his chair, before it would legally be battery.
And the officer said that since the manager hadn’t told us specifically “no autistics” verbatim, and instead had merely said that they wouldn’t serve people who needed extra patience or attention, then that wasn’t in his opinion grounds for an ADA complaint. And that restaurants could ask people to leave for any reason that they wanted.
Let me get this straight: A waitress hits grabs and screams in the ear of an autistic child and this is “suspected battery”? Might there not be a “lasting injury” on David to be treated in such a way?
Is this a less than subtle way of suggesting, no autistics allowed……
So PTSD and lasting tinnitus aren’t lasting injuries, huh?
That town needs some serious retraining. If I could have that waitress and her manager alone for 5 minutes…
well, beltone would love me…
Pokez Mexican Restaurant
Address: 947 E St, San Diego, CA 92101
Phone: (619) 702-7160
(hint, hint…)
Thanks dave for the address and phone number!!!!!
Wow, I have worked with children on the Autism spectrum for a long time. I have seen awful things. I have stood up and spoken to parents, teachers, school boards, family and friends. What happened to you is disgraceful. Both the waitstaff and the managers acted like sorry to say ‘idiots’ – seems like the issue is with them. That is abuse and I hope you get solace – I am sorry that happened!
Shame on people that are ignorant and hurt innocent children that can not other wise speak on their own behalf.
Best of luck,
Julia
The expectation that a waitress at a cheap Mexican restaurant would 1) figure out that one of her patrons was autistic, and 2) know how to respond to that appropriately, is wildly unrealistic. I don’t expect people to intuit that I have a chronic health condition that isn’t visible, and I don’t expect them to accommodate it.
Of course it was wrong of her to lose her cool and physically accost this child. And it was wrong of the manager to back up her behavior. OTOH, how could the parents have HELPED in this situation?
Couldn’t these parents have eased the pressure on their child and relieved the waitress of the need to stand at their table for a long time by helping their child make a decision before it was time to order? That is the kind of courtesy I extend to my child and waitstaff. I help my child prepare to order by himself but I don’t ask him to do it independently on the spot. That’s a no-win.
Thanks for pointing out another angle on this—I can’t speak for the parents or the child, of course, but it does seem to me that the waitress’ physically accosting the child was completely inappropriate. She might have directed her frustrations to the parents and asked them for clarifications. I also remain puzzled by the manager’s response and wonder at how other patrons who are “different” might be responded to, or welcomed, or not.
If the father, not exactly a dispassionate observer (and I say this as a father of 2 kids with autism), gives an accurate account the waitress and manager are in the wrong. You may not lay hands on people or scream at them. Passion can wreak havoc with our observation. The father says “grabbed his shoulder,” and you transform that into “a waitress hits.” I am sure that the waitress did wrong, but do not let passion distort the facts one iota.
Thanks for pointing that out, Webster, I will fix that in my paraphrase: This is a hard incident to respond to without passion, but careful and thoughtful responses are even more in order in this case.
Here in Illinois, that kind of conduct is called “unlawful restraint of a minor” and gets you put on the sex offender registry, believe it or not.
Interestingly, my 6-year-old with Autism placed his own restaurant order for lunch today. It’s the first time EVER that the server understood him and she looked about seventeen.
I don’t care how difficult it was for the waitress. Her actions were ridiculous and second only to the reaction of the manager.
Update from Jay on his blog:
My ASD child orders using an AAC device ( very slowly), yet he’s never been assaulted by the waitstaff at a restaurant…he has every right to communicate his needs in whatever manner he needs to and as a customer at a restaurant, the staff has an economic interest in respecting his unique needs…even if he or she has no personal investment in helping him.
What happened there ( even if you allow for some emotional hyperbole-) is absolutely inexcusable. If a restaurant wants to be hipster and edgy, that’s great- but it certainly doen’t give them free reign to walk all over people’s civil rights.
And from what happened in the Pokez restaurant last week, “hip” does not seem, perhaps, to have been in the restaurant’s aims. Or in the one waitress’s.