I had a date… so starvation was critical
January 2, 2009 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
I had a date.
It was the summer after I graduated from high school and a college guy asked me out. I was flattered, excited, thrilled! He wasn’t like my last boyfriend who had verbally and physically abused me for 18 months… he couldn’t be. (And, truth be told, he never was.)
He asked me to go to dinner. It was Monday and our chosen night was Friday. This was all done over the telephone, pre-cell phone and pre-Internet. It was magical. (Did I mention I was ecstatic?)
My heart pounded at the thought. It was going to be amazing!
But. Wait.
What-Would-I-Wear?
Ah, the age-old concern of the young gal who isn’t stifled yet but the realities of car loans, mortgages and kids. Instead, her worries turn to how her body will appear.
In an instant, I knew how I’d like him to see me. In my eggshell part-linen pants. They were awesome. Creamy in color and pretty.
But. Wait.
Would-I-Fit-In-Them?
It’s the second (sometimes first) question that every anorexic asks herself.
Interestingly, I had spent a good part of my senior year in a sort of half-recovered-anorexic haze. Once I released myself from the grasp of my abusive beau, I enjoyed school a bit more and loosened my grip on my weight. In fact, I put on a few pounds and felt okay… not satisfied, but not ready to kill myself.
However, here I was, terrified I would look like a hippo by Friday.
I had four days.
I knew what to do.
And you can imagine the rest.
I ate virtually nothing for those four days. I starved my belly down to semi-flatness (I’ve always had a little “pooch”, even during my ana days/daze.) I endured tummy growling and nausea. And I was happy to do so.
When Friday came, I ate daintily on our date, so as not to distend my stomach or gorge in front of the man I hoped I would be with forever. (Yes, I was a real dreamer then. And no, we didn’t last.)
Ironically, I think that there are many girls out there without an eating disordered past who probably do the same thing when faced with an upcoming date. It’s truly a sickness. But it’s even worse when you have ana’s whispers in your head.
Hello,
I’m a 24 year old girl who has just started an eating disorder recovery blog. My site aims to bring truth, light and hope to the many of my generation who are suffering from eating disorders/ self harm and depression, and other related symptoms of a broken heart. I’m just getting it off the ground, and would be ever so grateful if you would take a brief moment to check it out/ comment. The site is:
http://gabi.edrecoveryblog.com
Have a wonderful day!
Gabi
Ha ha. I sort of smiled to myself when I read that you were a young girl not yet stifled by the realities of a mortgage, car loan, and motherhood. Because umm…
Well I don’t have a mortgage. But I do have a car loan and student loan debt and that’s still almost always my FIRST question.
Take tonight for instance…I bought a new winter coat for the inauguration parade. (Seriously a necessary purchase as I didn’t own a winter coat seeing as how I live in the South — and it was a STEAL!) It fights. Perfectly. 90% of me knows that if I start restricting now — or even allow myself to believe that it would be a good idea so that the coat would fit even better in two weeks — that it would be the ed talking. And I don’t need to listen.
But a good 10% of me (maybe more?) is already making the case for why I NEED to do this. Because I don’t need to gain a pound. Because the coat would look so much better if I lost the pre-holiday weight and then some. Not four days…more like 15.
I’d like to say that I’m confident in knowing that I’ll make the right decision. But it’s hard doing that in the face of an imperfect body and a perfect winter coat.