I Hate My . . .
July 17, 2008 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
I HATE my . . .
Did you hear the echo of women everywhere responding with the speed of light?
Fat legs, flabby stomach, beaky nose, round eyes, thin lips, bulgy cheeks, flat breasts and on and on.
Last night I was indulging in trashy television, which I allow myself to do when my daughter isn’t home to witness it. I flipped to Dr. 90210, the reality show on E where plastic surgery patients explain what they hate about themselves and how they intend to fix it through plastic surgery.
What’s interesting to me is that most of these women are perfectly fine. There is nothing grotesque or ugly about their noses or their breasts, but they simply can not feel good about themselves until they fix their perceived flaw.
Sometimes there are really valid reasons for them to seek the surgery. Such as the 20-something girl who courageously opted to have a double mastectomy (removal of all breast tissue). She had it when she was only 18-years-old because her mother, grandmother, aunts and even some male relatives had died from breast cancer. For her, it was the only way she could look at her life and see a future that didn’t include a battle with breast cancer. Tragically, her surgeon botched the job and she was attempting another surgery to correct the fact that he stitched her two breasts together and made them two different sizes.
Diametrically opposed was Tabitha Stevens, former porn-star, who is a self-proclaimed addict to plastic surgery. You know when you touch-up some paint in a room and all the sudden you notice that really, the whole room needs painting because fixing the flaw had the effect of drawing out other flaws? Obviously, she’s an extreme case where she has had virtually every part of her body restructured and her issues are way deeper than cosmetic.
I am not opposed to women seeking surgery if that’s what they want. It’s risky though, the surgeon on last night’s Dr. 90210 said half (50%) of his surgeries are fixing the mistakes made by other surgeons. That’s an alarming statistic. Has anyone seen Meg Ryan with her new lips? This is a woman whose career is built on her cute little pixie face and her darling girl-next-door smile and she got her lips done to look sultry (at least that’s what appears to be her intent). It is not a good thing. I can’t look at her without thinking, You should demand a refund! Not that her previously pretty lips would be restored with a refund.
My real concern is the collective low self-esteem women are suffering from. Standing in front of the mirror and picking apart every perceived flaw has leaked into the collective conscience of our entire gender. It’s even leaking onto men and boys. The other day I heard a teenage boy say he had gone to the doctor for his check-up and they had congratulated him on gaining 10 pounds, as if that were a good thing, he said. The basic understanding for kids today is that it’s not a good thing to gain 10 pounds, even if they are growing in height. This kid will surely gain 50 more pounds before he completes adolescence and it really should be a good thing.
My concern with plastic surgery is that once you get it – what if you’re still stuck with your low self-esteem? I have one friend who got a boob job and she doesn’t regret it. It’s a nice job and it makes her feel good to have great boobs. Yet years afterward she still felt unattractive, though she’s stunningly beautiful and fit.
I don’t believe this is the fault of men. I believe the responsibility for women’s low self-worth rests solely with women. I’ve talked to men and really they just like breasts – big or small, whatever. They don’t even really care if they are lopsided. In my experience men, in general, are open to women looking different or carrying extra weight. They don’t really give our bodies the critical examination we do. They don’t expect us to be perfect and I don’t think they understand our need to be perfect. Think back on your experiences with significant others who have seen you naked – you may have felt fat or ugly, but it wasn’t because he said you were. (And if he did, then you should find a more accepting significant other.) It’s likely that he tried to make sure you knew that he thought you were hot.
Think back to the last time you were with a group of women. Or pay attention the next time you hang out with chicks. It’s just a massive complaint-fest. Do you have the friend who works out religiously and still won’t be seen in a swim suit because her body isn’t perfect? Do you have the friend who hates her curly hair or straight hair? Do you have the friend who can’t stand her thighs? Do you have the friend who constantly complains about her nose?
Of course you do. We all have those friends or those family members. And we look at their perceived flaw and think, really there’s nothing particularly wrong with your nose. They are looking at you and your perceived flaw in the same light.
I think the constant complaining is the source, or at least a major source, of our collective low self-esteem. When I am in a room full of women I listen to all the complaining and it tends to get more and more extreme – like a one-up-man-ship of who has the biggest flaw.
Oh you think you’re breasts are bad, mine have to be rolled into the bra after breastfeeding four kids!
At least you can fit into a size 6; I’m having trouble squeezing into the extra, extra large girdle!
There is no way I am wearing a swimsuit, I want to save everyone the embarrassment of having to look away!
It’s unhealthy! It’s funny, but I think the cost of saying bad things about your self is feelingbad about yourself. Who has time for that?
I truly believe we can change our collective low self-esteem by not indulging in self-criticism to get laughs. This really came home for me when my five-year-old daughter, Ainsley, started calling her perfectly-normal thighs fat. I realized when I started trying to lose weight after baby #2 and getting dangerously close to the dreaded 200 lbs mark that I had let my mouth run wild with self-loathing. I didn’t really feel all that terrible about my body until I started yammering on about how much pure fat I was losing by going to the gym. The more laughs I got from my hilarious descriptions about losing an inch of fat from my neck the more extreme my self-criticism became.
Obviously my incentive to stop this behavior was the fact that it was leaking into my daughter’s own body image. But, I think the same principle applies to our collective self-loathing.
I made a rule in our house that we don’t criticize our bodies. If we say something unkind about ourselves we have to write something good about ourselves and put it in a little box. It really wasn’t that difficult to stop the habit. I started trying to say something nice about myself, even where other women can hear me, where I run the risk of appearing stuck-up or conceited. The actual feelings about my self are becoming more positive as a result.
When another woman makes a self-loathing comment about herself I either simply don’t respond or I’ll say something like, I don’t have time to hate myself these days. It puts them off guard, but it stops the I’m uglier than you are war.
I’ll go first and say some nice things about myself.
I’m down to a size 12, and I don’t mean an Old Navy stretch 12, hurray for me! I’m feeling so curvy and voluptuous and healthy!
My hair transformed from straight to curly after my pregnancies. Hey, I spent the entire ‘80s trying to perm my hair to look just like this!
See how that’s different than what I would’ve said before:
I’m still a freaking huge size 12!
No one told me that my hair was going to get so freaking kinky and frizzy after I had kids.
Over the next month make an effort to try to change what you say about your body and I guarantee you will feel a lot better about it. I mean, really there are very few unfortunate people who are actually ugly and chances are you’re not one of them. If enough of us change the way we feel about ourselves it will inevitably leak into our collective conciousness.
To tell you the truth, the more I see shows like Dr.90210, the more anti-cosmetic surgery I become. And I say that even though someone I consider to be a close friend is a plastic surgeon.
Most cosmetic surgeries came into existence out of a need to correct deformities like harelips and breast reconstruction after mastectomy. Not to make people look “better” but to make them look normal. Now, though, insecurity surgery has become a danger to all of us.
In Canada and Germany, where we have socialized medical care, we are learning that many our doctors just don’t care about people’s health. They care about money. ENTs are not performing ear, nose or throat surgeries because they don’t pay as much as rhinoplasty for cosmetic reasons. Imagine not being able to get a lump removed from your breast because all the people qualified to remove it are busy doing boob jobs?
I applaud your challenge to women to speak about their bodies differently. It makes all of us safer.
Thanks for the applause Kate. I really think it is within our power to feel better about our bodies. I hope everyone will at least give it a try.
By The Way. You can read more about how this negative body image effects our girls at my other blog, So Sioux Me, http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2007/01/self-loathing-sin-bank.html .
I asked the question on my blog, What would you change if you could change one part of your body?
If we stopped asking that question and started complimenting our bodies as they are then our individual and collective self esteems would be a lot better. Self-Loathing shouldn’t be our hobby, picking ourselves apart shouldn’t be our hobby. We should see ourselves as beautiful – even the percieved flaws.
Right on. I’m trying not to participate in that game anymore either. The low-self esteem is not healthy – or sexy. You put off a vibe that everyone else picks up on. Confidence in your own abilities and beauty transform a person.
Great post Tracee!
Tracee,
I have gained approx. 50 pounds, no joke, during this pregnancy. Just to see I tried to put on my regular sized pants today. I can barely pull them higher than my knees. I cannot BELIEVE how small they are. It really gives me a fascinating new perspective.
Rebecca,
Bodies change. I gained 42 pounds during pregnancy myself. My daughter was a healthy 9 lb. baby and that was all that mattered to me.
I have clothes I’ll never wear again. No matter. It’s what’s inside that counts.
Besides, better to have gained some weight than to lose it in an UNhealthy way.
After my daughter was born, I became gravely ill and lost 35 of that 42 pounds in just a week’s time! I was VERY sick!
My metabolism then got totally out of whack. I ended up gaining some after that. That was actually a good thing because losing 35 pounds in a week in NOT (!!!) healthy and I needed more weight/strength at that point.
Accept yourself for who you are. Who cares if your “regular sized” pants are too small??
If you are meant to lose any weight ***IN A HEALTHY WAY***….. ***NOT*** BY CRASH DIETS, you can always choose to pursue that option.
Respected program that incorporate a balanced ‘diet’ and exercise (like hiring a nutritionist, going to Weight Watchers, exercising…) are the best way to go IF you elect to lose weight.
Or make peace with your new body. Check with your primary doctor to see if your weight is putting you at additional risk for things like heart disease. Crash diets are BAD NEWS, though!!
One way or another, DON’T beat yourself up about your weight. If anything, harboring those negative feelings will be likely to result in weight GAIN.
Accept yourself and feel peace and serenity!
Take care,
Jeanne
Jeanne,
Thanks for your advice. For now, my pregnancy weight doesn’t bother me at all. I didn’t mean to imply that I negative feelings about gaining weight. (Except when I’m straining to get up the stairs, maybe!) I was just surprised by how much I gained.
Prior to getting pregnant, I was a health and fitness nut pretty much. I’ve exercised for years and years and always maintained healthy eating habits.
It’s going to take a while for me to go back to that level of cardiovascular fitness, but I know that it’s going to be fairly easy to get back down to to size even if I just start out initially by walking and eating healthy.
While there are lingering effects of pregnancy, one of them is not going to be my carrying around extra pounds. I know the pounds are going to melt off and I am very excited it. I’ve seen other really fit friends do it after pregnancy and I think it is based on how fit a person was before.
I am so happy about having a baby. But at the same time I don’t want to lose “me”. And one thing that is important to me is being slim and healthy. That might sound strange but my mom died of uncontrolled diabetes and so have several people in her extended family. She and they were all very obese. Obesity does run in my family I suppose, but it is so preventable.
I also have to say… being slim is wonderful. It makes life so much easier and more fun in several ways. And I’m not talking about model-skinny; that’s genetic and/or achieved by starving yourself which in my mind would be misery.
Being fit and healthy is really a non-negotiable for me. Once I do get back into my prepregnancy clothes, I’m going to really appreciate the shape of my body more than I did before, I guess is the point I was trying to make.
Rebecca,
That’s great that you aren’t feeling bad about gaining the weight during pregnancy. It’s also great that you are so fit.
It’s also great that you are actively avoiding falling into the obesity and diabetes that runs in your family. I’m so sorry about your mom (and others relatives)!
My mom has Type 2 diabetes so I understand your concerns.
I totally understand your point.
It’s great that you have a plan for losing your pregnancy weight in a healthy way.
Have a great day!
Jeanne
Thanks Jeanne!
Rebecca,
Tracee starts such insightful conversations.
Have a great weekend!!
Jeanne
I agree that focusing on the negative is a dead end time-waster that perpetuates more negativity. However, I think it is equally important to recognize the part that the media plays in creating these negative lenses through which women begin to view themselves from a very early age. When you are submersed in this kind of environment all your life, it can be difficult to pull your mind out and gain perspective on your self image.
A conscious effort to seek out and affirm all the wonderful things about yourself is one part of the healing process. Another is to avoid the toxic imagery and messages that plague us everyday from all sides. Commercials, ads, tv shows, Hollywood, diets, family, cultural/societal expectations, and even health professionals: all of these things play a role in the unhealthy fixation on our supposed flaws. If we start to screen those influences out, as well as work on our own mindsets from within, we will begin to see a shift towards a better relationship with ourselves, and by extension, with others.
Tisper,
It’s true that focusing on the negative isn’t helpful. While the media does some ridiculous things that certainly don’t help women (or men) to feel good about themselves and while the pervasive media culture is very challenging in that way… I believe that we need to reject all of that and focus on making peace with ourselves, accepting who we are, and consciously deciding to REJECT the negative sources.
For example, I have a sister who used to obsess over fashion magazines full of unhealthy skin & bones “supermodels”. My sister went on to develop anorexia and bulimia. So I am very aware of the damaging effects the media can have on impressionable young girls. It is for that reason (and others) that I don’t allow magazines like that in my house.
Can I control which magazines are at the supermarket checkout? No. Can I explain to my daughter that it’s not healthy to be stick-thin like the women on the magazine covers? Yes.
I can’t control the world or shelter my daughter from all bad influences but if she sees something potentially damaging (like the often inappropriate checkout magazines nowadays), I can let her know what I think about such pictures. I can teach her about the media’s use of airbrushing, special lighting, and professional makeup as she’s getting older so that she understands that even the cover story models/celebrities don’t look like that in real life.
I agree a conscious effort does need to be made to reject these negative media images, stop buying products with unethical marketing practices, educate children about the media, etc…
I agree it’s important to seek out and affirm all the wonderful things about oneself.
Avoiding toxic imagery is certainly helpful when possible. There is WAY too much of what you referenced: “focusing on flaws”.
We do need to work on our own mindsets as well. We’ll all been submerged in this toxic media hype that just isn’t real life and isn’t healthy.
I agree that avoiding the toxicity and shifting our mindsets does help us love ourselves and helps us in our relationships with others.
I just heard about this movie coming out called “The Women” with Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Bette Midler, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Debra Messing, etc. Diane English directed it and it’s an all-woman cast. It took about 13 years to get the films made because apparently Hollywood studios didn’t want an all-female cast. Diane English was behind the TV show “Murphy Brown”.
Anyway, you can watch a documentary about the making of “The Women” exclusively on the Dove website:
http://www.dove.com
In the U.S., the above site will re-route you to:
http://www.dove.us/
I think it’s called “The Women Behind The Women”. I watched it online on the Dove site yesterday and it’s great!! They talk about the airbrushing, the hours in makeup, and all of that sort of stuff in the documentary. It’s great stuff!
Jeanne