I Hate You
I knew the day would eventually come. The day he would say something like “I hate you” or “I don’t love you” or “You’re not my real mother”. I just didn’t know HOW much it would hurt.
The thing is, he doesn’t even know what hate means, he just said it because he knew it was bad. Knew it would make me mad and get my attention. But, just the same, it cuts my heart in two. Makes me realize how much I really want his approval and his love (yes, I’m just as insecure as he is).
As an adoptive parent does it hurt more than those of you who have biological children? Not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. It still makes me question what I am doing right or wrong, if I am spending enough time with him, if I am sending him the right messages, if I am loving on him enough.
In reality though, I can only do so much each day. And I can only love him all the time, every day.
Don’t worry, I still love you all the time every day.
Aww…Eric is the nicest boy!
I think I worry more about the “you are not my mother” comments. Have not heard it yet but know some day it may come. The “I hate you” type stuff in our house happens when Bruce is overtired and not making sense, and almost always is followed with an apology…sometimes the next morning, but still.
I do think that adoptive parents have a little extra element added in that some of the comments the kids will/can make will have an extra sword edge to them.
I’m so sorry this day came so early for you. You are doing an awesome job. I think the fact that he wanted to make you made in some way shows that he knows you care about him. Hope tomorrow it better.
it feels the same way when you are well the real parents as well
I get this more from my biological daughter #1 than from adopted son. It bothers me…but not a lot. They don’t have much power, and since all we really ask of them is to love is, the one piece of control they have is to withhold that, for however short a time.
Although, my son did have a fit of pique once and declare, “I’m not going to give you any snuggles!”
It does upset my husband a lot, though, to hear my daughter say “I hate you.” I am usually in the middle of another fight when it happens, but he always jumps on that.
AWW, I worry more about the “your not my real mother ” thing too.I think at sometimes nomatter biological or not ,children think they hate their parents. I think it’s human nature and even though it hurts,them acting out like that makes you realize they do not feel the way they say in anger.
It is tough. I agree. Both my boys have also said that they are moving back to Russia. It is hard to hear! You just have to remember that they do love you!
I think it’s harder to hear from my adopted child than my biological children….Dmitry has only been home with us for 13 months….so I’m always real sensitive and wondering if he actually does love me anyway. When my biological children say something like that, it just feels like them expressing they’re angry, and maybe she doesn’t like me right then but I know she loves me anyway….but with Dmitry when he says he doesn’t like me it hurts so much because I feel like he really means it since I’m not so confident in our relationship yet… We’re still very early into attachment, so I’m hopeful it’ll get much better with time.
Ouch! Right now, my three year old is all about “I’m not your friend”, which I’m sure, is a predecessor to many more hurtful things. Hang in there..
I’m not an adoptive parent but I can still tell you it hurts real bad when your biological child says it too. That old saying, “words can never hurt me” is so wrong, it hurts, even when you know they don’t really mean it.
All my children are biological and 2 out of 3 of them have said this to me. I think you’re right, eventually they all say it, and they don’t mean it. It hurts your feelings even if it’s your biological child :/
I say back to them “Even though you’re mad at me right now, and you think you hate me, I love you.” and then I tell them about hurting people’s feelings. don’t be too down about it.
Would love to know how Aureil Banks the adopted then un-adoptive child of Scott and Karen Banks really felt after they sent her and her brother out of their home in Utah to live a life on an island of Samoa?
I doubt if HATE would be a strong enough word from this poor young women who was sent away from her siblings and the only people she knew to live in a foreign courntry. Poor children must have words of fright that are un-describle in any lanauage.
May God be with you both. And give you the strength to heal.