Idiots Guide to Special Needs – An Open Discussion and Virtual Learning Session
In response to the recent comment wars between special needs parents and those of us who are being called idiots, I’d like to pose topic that will hopefully get some of us on our way to learning and recognizing the needs of special needs.
So often we hear “treat them normal” by allowing them to do things like participate in regular classrooms, school sports, engage in public travel and the workforce.
So as a society, we do.
But then if we don’t recognize the special needs and don’t treat them differently – by not allowing them to disobey rules and regulations – we’re called a variety of unsavory names and ridiculed because we “should have known better” – “should have been better prepared” or something similar.
So, in effort to become educated and to learn to be more compassionate toward those with special needs, can some of you please explain to me and the others who commented and emailed privately –
How can we recognize when we’re supposed to treat people normal and when we’re supposed to treat them differently?
This is a genuine effort to learn here — please refrain from name calling and flaming – otherwise your comment will not be approved.
Those wishing to learn, like ma’self – feel free to ask questions – but too, you must be nice!
Now let us proceed…
Parents can’t always control their children, and these parents need to live….that means go to the grocery store, courthouse, post office, bus, or plane. Some parents have children that have biochemical reasons for their behavior. I believe people should show a little compassion for this kind of behavior. I don’t like to judge….because Karma is a *itch…
Gayla, I know you have friends that have children with ADHD and Autism. I feel for these parents because the disorders can be monstrous!
Sometimes…looking the other way and ignoring the behavior is the best thing we can do for these parents who have children with biochemical disorders.
This is good! Very good! Thanks…
Now, my question is – when we’re out in public, how are we, the average Joe in society supposed to know when it’s something to look the other way on and when not to?
My husband and mother have both had surgery that required them to have steal plates in their bodies. They carry cards with them that tell security checks they have this problem. Is there some type of program that’s similar that would alert people to the fact that your situation is different?
The truth is…we don’t know when to treat kids and adults the same or differently. I don’t know when to do it with my own child because he is not the same from day to day BECAUSE of his disability. People are not predictable. “Normal” people are not predictable and “Special Needs” people are not predictable.
My son has FAS, SID, PTSD, Anxiety, ADHD, and a variety of food issues and chemical intolerances. There is NO way that I can predict how he will react in ANY situation. I just have to be prepared for him to react certain ways and have my resources with me to deal with it.
As his parent I am responsible for dealing with it. As a bystander you are responsible for asking me if there is anything you can do to help…not helping before asking. If you do? Watch out.
We are currently working on child (not baby) proofing our home so that it is safe for him all the time. ie: we will be calling the fire-department to notify them, putting notecards in the car to notify them and making our entire home safe for him.
When he goes to camps, school, we inform them about everything. If we go to a party we go with him everywhere and most of the time we bring my parents to help.
It is OUR job.
I forgot, I also wanted to point out that many times, you cannot “see” the most common disabilites. My son is quiet and physically still. He does not flip his hands, although that is common for autism. He does have echolalia, but most of the time he sings it, so it just sounds like a bored little boy singing to entertain himself. His motor skills are fine, he carries himself just like any other boy. He follows directions and rarely misbehaves. New people rarely guess that he has autism. But he does. Its plain to see, when you know what you are looking for. Yes, he has a diagnosis…Pervasive Developmental Delay- Not elsewhere specified. The pediatric neurologist wrote it on a prescription pad and told us to love him, expose him to everything we can and constantly set the bar based on his abilities, not what it says in some book. Deep down, we already knew that, so that is what we do.
i have learned so much in the past few days. thank you for the open communication on this topic!
Sabrina – yes, I agree w/ you. Compassion is the word I was thinking of too.
The truth is that we have all broken and and abused rules. We have all lost our cool in certain situations. We have all RATIONALIZED our decisions in doing so. Perhaps, we rationalize our decisions for breaking the mandatory attendance law because our children don’t feel like going to school or we don’t approve of them doing crossword puzzles. Some of us drive over the speed limit. The law is the law and rules our rules. We all break them….and most of us rationalize our decisions.
My point is that no one is perfect. Let’s show a little grace to one another. Let’s not judge one another. Life is difficult.
If we have issues on social/political policies, then call your representative…lobby…write a well informed essay….ranting will not accomplish things.
Life isn’t fair. I have sob stories too…but I doubt many of you care to listen. I chose to count my blessings.
(PS. This mother on the airplane had every right to be upset if the flight attendant was indeed picking on her son. I don’t know any mother who wouldn’t protect their child. We don’t know the entire story because we weren’t on the plane. )
Leave me comment-less because I think you are responding to lunacy and held hostage by hurt feelings.
I will continue treating everyone well and I will not lower my expectations. I will also fly American with my baggage (emotional and physical) safely stowed.
If it quacks like a duck.
This is a great conversation. Thank you for opening it up.
As for the topic on hand, just a small bit of compassion, or even patience, is all I’ve ever needed.
I’m there, with my son, handling the issue. If it’s not me, it’s his dad, teacher or other responsible party.
My son’s differences are invisible – until they are visible. There’s generally no warning to the general public that switch is going to take place. Even I can’t predict every nuance that’ll be the trigger. However, once it’s happened I know best how to pull him back or guide him to a safe zone.
Right now he’s learning the million and one rules of behaving correctly in society.
Some he’s mastered and other’s he hasn’t.
Just common courtesy and decency or, if your inclined, asking if there’s a way you could help during those meltdown, or less than stellar moments, is greatly appreciated.
In general, just being polite otherwise is always welcomed.
Keeping the lines open for communication, like this, is really awesome too.
The thing I struggle most with is the *HOW* Exactly AM I supposed to know when it’s time to have compassion and when perhaps the kid might be throwing a fit because they are being kidnapped?
It’s easy for those who are on the inner circle of autistic type disabilities to say those outside the circle should have compassion. BUT from my very particular OCD side, I want to know who and when it’s necessary to stand back and observe and when it’s necessary to call the police.
I do have OCD (formally diagnosed) and it’s a *necessity* for me to have details! Details. Details. Details.
I want to know who, what, when, where, why and how.
As for each of your individual situations, IF I were to meet you in public and knew who you were, I would have compassion for you. But to expect me to go into the world blindly without knowing what kids have developmental issues and which ones are just being spoiled brats – I think compassion and understanding should easily be a required street that runs both ways.
@ Pickel – I watch from afar – read your stories and recognize you as one of the parents I truly admire. I see and hear all that you deal with and you do so in a way that commands respect, admiration, consideration and compassion.
Yours is the type and style of parenting that is recognized by *idiots* like ma’self who see there is something out of the ordinary – but recognize still that you handle it with grace and expertise.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve been reading your material for SO long, that I expect all parents of special needs kids to be like you. Organized, calm, cool, collected and beautiful through-and-through.
I don’t know if your need to know exactly who is and who is not disabled/handicapped is what’s necessary here. This plane situation could have easily happened with ANY toddler. Now, I know you all are going to say “why fly with a toddler?” and I definately won’t be rushing out and buying me and mine tickets anytime soon, but surely you can think of viable, pressing reason that someone might NEED to fly with their children somewhere. I think this was just overboard. You want to know “when it’s necessary to call the police” . But to me it’s obvious this 2 yr old wasn’t about to hyjack the plane or make it crash by his loud wails..I mean, come on. They humiliated this mother and IMO, took extreme measures.
I understand your view to be very ‘why should I have to suffer through this annoyance?’ when in the real world we all suffer through annoyances especially in public situations. When you board a plane you know you might have to sit next to a talker, someone who obsessively clears their throat, an armrest hoarder, a farter, someone who gets a little sauced and loud during the flight..there’s no way around it. Personally, I don’t like being next to judgemental women who give me the evil eye during a fit instead of that reasuring, compassionate “I’ve been there too” smile. But it’s not like I can demand the passengers be screened for bitchiness. All of the people above – including children – make up ‘the public’. And this child was not endangering the flight – he was simply getting on the flight attendant’s nerves. He was a hassle they didn’t want to deal.
Well written post “that girl”.
@ That Girl – YOU are missing the whole point here! This child was not JUST sitting in the terminal getting on someones nerve. The plane WAS **ON** the runway – cleared for takeoff – the kid was **ON** the floor in a fit!
Did you take the time to research?
What about that should have been overlooked and left alone during takeoff?
Have you ever flown at all?
The boy was throwing a fit because the flight attendant was making the seat belt tight. (The flight attendant probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The flight attendant may not be good with children.) I don’t think we know the entire story.
Gayla, that could have been your child pitching a fit. It could have been any of our children pitching a fit.
This scenario reminds me a lot about your situation with your boy’s schools. You chose to bend the rules and keep your children at home because you didn’t think it was fair that they had to obey the mandatory attendance law and go to school. You ranted on forum about this issue in which I agreed with you. Don’t you see that this mother is ranting to protect her son? Don’t you see that you could have been this mother?
You are accusing others of what you are guilty yourself of doing.
That girl and I are saying……no one should be casting stones.
“@ That Girl – YOU are missing the whole point here! This child was not JUST sitting in the terminal getting on someones nerve. The plane WAS **ON** the runway – cleared for takeoff – the kid was **ON** the floor in a fit!”
I think YOU are missing the point. Yes, it was annoying I”m sure – but was it a THREAT worthy of being kicked off the plane? NO!
“Did you take the time to research?”
Yes, I did. Just because I STILL don’t agree with your points doesn’t mean I’m an unresearched idiot. Maybe, just maybe, (hold the phones!) you were wrong here.
“What about that should have been overlooked and left alone during takeoff?”
Gayla what about that threatened the safety of the passengers or flight?
“Have you ever flown at all?”
Yes, matter of fact I’ve flown within the United States and I’ve been on several international flights that lasted longer than 10 hours..and there were kids on some of those flights..even BABIES! And occasionally those kids and babies weren’t happy and the mama would scramble to fix the problem and you know what? We all lived! We all flipped our magazines, tuned it out and had another drink or continued on with our business.
Also, the crying didn’t seem to effect the flight’s mechanical equipement either..didn’t make the pilot go nuts, didn’t make the other passengers lose their minds – and to my knowledge, noone suffered post traumatic syndrome from being exposed to the loud antics of children even for a good 11 hours.
Once the plane is in the air is a totally different story. Let the little one’s run up and down the isle – jump over the seats, scream to the high heaven’s, hide in the overheads – I don’t care! But on take off and landing they need to sit the F**k down or be tied down.
In the air, I can read, wear headphones, etc. It’s not the problem. I have twins and have worked from home for 10 years. I know how to ignore when needed.
I’ve tried to translate my thoughts to you as best I can, now I think I’ll be ignoring you just to save myself a nerve or two.
ditto
In some situations we (the public) can tell when a child or person has special needs. Then, there are other times when we can’t, and that’s ok. If you’re a parent with a child with special needs, it’s a REALLY good idea to let the airline know ahead of time. You could even do this when you board the plane. My goodness, you need to let them know. Am I supposed to believe that an airline attendant was picking on this kid? It just sounds fishy. I’m not disagreeing that the child has autism, but had the airline been notified ahead of time, this probably would not have happened.
I’ve been reading this ongoing saga & have to say the whole thing fascinates me, kind of like a bad accident scene. I just can’t look away.
I suspect that what you want to know is WHEN you can judge another person/parent’s behaviour as being irritating and WHEN you can judge that behaviour as being part of a defined “special need”.
The short answer is, you can’t. Some kids are bratty. I have one. Some kids are autistic. I have one of those too. Can I always tell the difference between? Nope. As their parents, we have to cope with the behaviour & hope that onlookers can be compassionate because they are 5 & 3.
As another thought, the thing that makes me the most crazy is when I can FEEL other people judging me, my parenting skills & my child. It is one thing to notice bad behaviour & be glad it isn’t you dealing with it. It is quite another to stare, comment or otherwise let me know that you don’t approve. In other words, if it isn’t your business, why are you letting it bother you?
Sorry that seems a bit like a vent instead of a comment, but the whole issue has me wondering too.
Just a quick comment for Thrift Karen. I have no intention of running around and telling everybody before hand that Pookie has autism. Most of the time it is not something they need to know. Most of the time we can deal with problems that come up without anybody elses help.
Like I said in the original post, I don’t know enough to know if I agree with the mom and/or the airlines and don’t really care since it seems like a isolated bad situation that escalated way beyond what it should have because of issues on both sides that had nothing to do about whether the boy had autism or not.
As for when to treat kids with autism normal or not, I’m not even sure what that means. They should always be treated like normal. If they look confused they should be helped more…just like, but maybe more often, than kids without autism. Parents of children with autism should not be assumed to be “gaming the system” because I have received a number of emails from parents asking me how to let their spouse to agree to get their kid officially diagnosed. There are not many people out there hoping the doctor tells them their kid has autism.
Mike: I don’t think you should go around telling everyone that your child has autism. I think there are some situations where it would be helpful to let someone know. From what I’ve read on your blog though, you know your kid pretty well and that accounts for a lot. You know what’s best for your child.
Michelle:
“Some kids are bratty. I have one. Some kids are autistic. I have one of those too.”
Your comment made me laugh because I have one kid that is usually well behaved. Then I have another who has sensory issues, is bratty, defiant, argumentative, too smart for her own good, and sassy, all balled up into one. Sometimes I think she’s 3 kids in one. lol
The main question seems to be, when is it okay to judge a kid? Autism or not it’s not okay to judge a kid or a parent.
We shouldn’t be so quick to assume that a parent isn’t parenting or that a parent is milking the system or that a kid is bratty, because we never really know what’s going on w/ other people. Would a little tolerance and selflessness, kindness and compassion kill us now and then?
i saw a blog post today and thought it would help with the conversation. i don’t have a special needs child but i’m trying to learn as much as i can!
http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/07/what-id-like–1.html
This has been interesting to read. As a mother of an autistic boy that has instant melt downs life is difficult. my sons behavior is not always perdictable, and like others said I still have to live. He can go a month or two with nothing and then start biting me in the arm at the store. I do not have a good answer to your question, just to say if you think people would willing choice this life as an excuse for their child behavior that is way wrong. Having a child with a disablity is humiating in our society. I get treated like you said in your other posts like dirt all the time. It is hard enough to live day to day, let all dealing with people whom feel like they do not want bothered by disablilites.