Immediate Gratification or Principled Dating?
August 8, 2006 by Sasha Manuel
Filed under Relationships
My friend and I were discussing dating in general [but she highlighted my own lovelife, though] a couple of days back and we found ourselves debating over the matter of importance between immediate gratification and principled dating.
I, for one, cannot sit in judgment over the matter but I do have opinions regarding it. I see the need for both and also their downsides. Secondly, I’m actually facing a dilemma that falls under it, which makes it hard to form an objective opinion.
Here’s the scenario, you went out with guy A who comes a bit short of your ideal, basing it on the conversation that transpired over a romantic dinner date. However, you found out that he can’t get past any strong argument you happen to have raised that it’s actually frustrating. In short, he’s not intellectually stimulating. But you know that he likes you a whole lot since he’s already laying some groundwork on establishing a somewhat regular dating thing between the two of you.
But there’s the question about guy B whom you’ve only been able to establish a stable [sort of] online relationship with. So, yea — you haven’t been able to go out with him on a date since circumstances wouldn’t allow it, i.e. distance. But this guy you know you like and have even admitted it to him. In fact, it’s a you-wouldn’t-hesitate-to-jump-into-bed-the-moment-you-meet-him kind of attraction that he stirred in you and that’s not just due to the fact that you find his intelligence sexy. Only problem is you don’t know if he sees you the same way.
Do you see the dilemma?
I’ve already mentioned that I have inhibitions regarding online dating. Not that it’s all bad but I just think it’s too risky for the kind of emotional investment you’ll have to put in. And about the actual dating scene perse, I’m not particularly keen on it, too, since it involves playing the so-called game. However, since I do want to find my soulmate, I’m giving both areas the benefit of the doubt. How else can I go about doing this if not that, right?
Now I can have immediate gratification if I do go with guy A since he’s physically present and yea, likes me a lot. Or, by principle, I can tough it out with guy B even if it poses a risk of not having the feelings reciprocated and distance is the least bit of the problem.
Anyway, I need to make a decision. What road do you think I should take?
Discuss.
Hmmmmm. Such an interesting debate for me to pass up.
Well, if it was me, I’ll tough it out with Guy B. I’m a girl who needs intellectual stimulation, bucket loads of them. I go for the clever cookies! I do understand that you are putting your heart on the line and all. It’s too risky, what if nothing happens in the end, blah, blah, blah. So what, enjoy it while it lasts.
Im not suggesting ending it with Guy A though. If for anything, what if it eventually blossoms into love? If not, then gaining another friend is not bad at all.
Time will tell. Just remember, love is a risk. Jump in and enjoy the ride
I like that — clever cookies. Heeheehee.
You certainly have a point. However, I’m not comfortable leading any guy on just so I have someone to fall back on. It wouldn’t be fair now, would it?
Hey Sasha,
Interesting dilemma. The problem is not that you don’t know which guy to pick, the problem is you’re only looking at 2 guys!!
It’s what we call a “scarcity mentality.” If you had the feeling that you could find the right guy you wanted because you live in a world of abundance, this dillema would seem very silly to you. The first guy, you don’t like, so he’s obviously out. The second guy, you should meet if he’s local. If he lives more than 40 minutes away, find someone where you live. The thing about online relationships are you may have a connection typing and on the phone, but in person, it might not be the same. Some people are far more articulate on the computer than they are over a cup of coffee and it would be good to know that first.
–Dan
Well, Dan — you do raise a good point, however, what I said is just a simplified scenario for the topic at hand. It is not to say that I am lacking in options.
But the “scarcity mentality” you mentioned is a good reason for a person to lean toward immediate gratification. Not bad. And I guess, you’re telling me to forget one guy due to the assumption that I don’t like him and to ditch the other guy just because of the distance.
The latter loses the point of the whole “Principled Dating” thing and the former, you missed that bit that, though he’s not perfect, I do like him to a certain extent.
You’re right in pointing out that the connection established through different means may vary and that it is important to really know how the two of you can relate in person but don’t you think that it will depend entirely on how you conduct yourselves in your correspondence with each other?
I may just as well turn the tables and say that I may find that I have a connection with a guy that I meet in person but he lacks the substance I need to satisfy my relationship cravings. He may turn out to be utterly charming but loses it in the long run. What can you say about that?
Hi Sasha,
Just to clear things up.
I do not advocate leading anyone on. But if you think that Guy A might read the wrong signals by continously dating him, then please stop. I guess what I meant is that don’t close off the possibility that you can continue to be friends. Maybe keep contact, probably only in group situations where your intentions are clearly NOT romantic.
Apologies for confusing you, if I did. I don’t do romantic dates with anyone else except my hubby. And he’s not one to misinterpret my intentions, I guess
Also since I have THE Ring (!) I always assume that boys/men know that there is no romantic future whatsoever, in the slight chance that they misinterpret me. Being married has got it’s perks!
Hope this makes it a bit clearer. If not, just don’t mind me. LOL!
Kharen, thanks for clarifying that bit. I’m not all that confused — a little misled maybe but not entirely.
I reckon it’s just that we run in different circles now since you ARE married and I AM still single so there’s a slight difference in our way of thinking but I guess you and I both want the same thing from the situation.
There’s no crime in wanting what’s best according to our principles. And giving ourselves room to adjust and learn can be considered harmless as long as we don’t hurt anybody in the process, wouldn’t you agree?
Phew. Great to know that I was not misunderstood. Yes, I do believe you got my point down pat
Very good.
Yes, we do run in different cycles. And that’s one thing I like about you, posts here coz it expands my outlook. I mostly talk about kids, family life, living a balanced life, etc, since most of my friends are married. Reading the posts from THE Dames are refreshing. So thanks!
And yeah, down in our core, we both want the same things.We seem different, but deep down we are similar. So, yes, I do agree! Definitely
That’s awefully sweet of you to say so, Kharen! Thank you so much!
And I appreciate you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us, too! 
Such an interesting topic of discussion. Could I perhaps share my own experience of how my immediate gratification turned into a principled dating experience..
I started to go online dating since Dec 2006. I was on holiday abroad, and the hotel I was staying had unlimited internet access facilities. I had been single for 3 years by then. I decided to sign up with Match.com, more curious than anything else. I must have sent out over 100 virtual kisses the first day. Now this is hard to believe, but the very first person I sent a virtual kiss to, Adam, is the man that I’m seeing now!
He responded to my kiss a few days later, but I never got back to him. Adam and I only started chatting sometime in June, 7 months later, by which time we had totally forgotten about the first connection we had made. And I had been on several dates, none of which had progressed onto a second date…because I was simply not interested. The 2nd time we connected on Messenger, and within 5 minutes, we both felt an immediate connection. We chatted for 7 hours that night. No pictures were exchanged, I was shy and conscious about my looks and body. But then Adam told me no matter how I looked, he knew he wanted to spend time with me because he liked me very much. One week later, we met up for the first time for coffee and we simply could not wait to go back to my place to make love. It has been 4 months since that first date, and we both realise that this is the most fulfilling relationship we’ve had. He has his baggage, I have mine, we’ve had arguments here and there. But we discuss it and move on. I’m going very slowly with this relationship. By that I mean my heart! Because in the physical sense we’ve never held back! Adam says that he knew from the first chat we’ve had that his life and outlook had changed forever.
I am content. There’s no rush, no expectations, just trust and understanding. We’re enjoying the moment. I beleive in soulmates now!
Oh and I should mention this. He’s extremely intelligent, which I usually find to be the biggest turnon. But in Adam’s case, what was so appealing to me was his heart. He emotionally honest, kind and extremely articulate. He’s an average Joe, and probably needs to lose 40 pounds. I had never gone to bed with a man on a first date before Adam. I have a lot of hangups. Who knew?
Hi, Maxine! Thanks for sharing your story with us. I quite enjoyed reading it. I’ve known people to have taken their “online” relationships offline but I still find it fascinating — like it’s something so novel! There’s a thought that accompanies that, though. Well — a thought and a question actually. Hehehe.
The question: How do people manage it — taking it offline?
The [cynical] thought: It’s hard to find someone I can connect to [pun intended] and when I do, I’m not taken seriously [enough to go the distance. Hahaha]. Pah.
And about one of your hang ups, is sleeping on the first date one of them?
Hi Sasha
I do understand the difficulties in translating an online relationship offline successfully. I must have had 15 to 20 dates before I finally hooked up with Adam. Many times I felt a kinship with the men online but somehow when we met, the chemistry simply vanished. A lot of the times I couldn’t wait to get of the date to go home. I’m not saying this would the same for everybody, but here’s some pointers that I think would be useful:
1) Internet dating is just another way of getting to know men offline. Like a blind date. Keep the offline courtship short and arrange to meet up within 2 weeks. This way, you’d be able to know the real person, and not the image of the person that you’ve created in your mind.
2) Be detailed in your expectations in your profile. What do you really need and want in a partner? ie a long term relationship, marriage, kids? Be very explicit in what you DON’T WANT. In my case, I included the line “Married, Attached and Men who are interested in casual sexual encounters need not apply”….That helped!
3. Phone calls are not the ideal way to get to
know a man before meeting up. I believe online chatting allows for spontaneity and a better way of assessing someone who may be right for you. With phone calls, there are other signals that might cloud one’s rational judgement. ie the man might have had a long day at work and sounds tired and non-responsive and we might think he’s not interested. In my case, Adam was very shy to speak and express himself to me on the phone but he ws extremely articulate and forthright online. That helped me to understand him better before we met.
My hangups? Well, I’m been raised to beleive that good girls never give in on the first date! Idiotic I know! and I’ve read all those selp-help books where you’re always told not to sleep on the first date if you want to keep the man, blah blah. I bought into all of that. Plus the fact that I went through a very bad breakup in which my ex-boyfriend of 10 years left me and married another woman, who he said satisfied him better in bed. It was devastating and I did not date for 4 years after that. So yes, I have alot of hangups about practically everything. I’m able to communicate all my fears and hangups with Adam, who is far more secure with himself than my ex ever was. Adam also thinks that I’m God’s gift to men…my family adores him. My healing has begun.
I wasn’t really asking the “how-to” guide to taking things offline but the logic behind online dating and/or what compels an individual to go online and look for a mate in the first place. Heehee.
I guess I’m still trying to get use to the whole idea. Call me dating-on-the-web inept. Heh.
Well, I believe that “not sleeping with your date on the first date” is not a hang-up but a principle you live by. You do it not really as a ploy to “keep the man” but simply as an act of virtue.
Great thoughts, Maxine!