In My Experience: Surviving Major Depression: Part One
September 15, 2008 by Alicia Sparks, Mental Health Notes
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
Today’s post is the first in a series written specifically for Mental Health Notes by Vancouver blogger Airdrie Miller. It chronicles her personal experiences with anxiety and depression, and how she handles the delicate balance of work, rest, and play.
Oh baby, that’s not just the blues!
My first experience with clinical depression came in the year 2000. I remember clearly: I was in the maternity ward recovering from the birth of my second daughter. She was a healthy baby, and my labor was relatively easy. But something was not right; I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was like I was falling, out of control, and afraid. My confident cheery personality had just disappeared overnight. Literally 12 hours after the delivery, I was a different person.
But rather than tell anyone, I kept my melancholy feelings to myself. I even lied to the friendly nurse who interviews new moms about their postpartum moods. I said I was feeling fine.
Hoping it was just the temporary “Baby Blues” I had read about, I decided to wait a couple of weeks and see if it got better. It did not. And after a month of crying and isolating myself in my room with the baby, I finally called for help. By then I was having panic attacks again, too.
Earlier in my life I had suffered terribly with anxiety and panic disorder. At that time I received help from a psychiatrist through the Student Health Department at my university. I did not want to take medication, and was treated with talk therapy. By the time I graduated I had a grounding in both academic and emotional education. What a gift.
In my experience, one of the easiest ways to find good psychiatric help is through university Student Health facilities, which are often associated with teaching hospitals. These drop-in clinics are equipped to deal with the many young people who have their first experience with mood disorders during their college years. But you must be a student to use a Student Health clinic—they are not open to the general public.
A decade later, I was fortunate that I could call upon that same psychiatrist, who was now in private practice, to help me. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression (PPD) and began therapy. I chose to try to recover without the help of medication, even though my psychiatrist offered antidepressants as well: talk therapy had worked really well for me before. I was also still nursing my child, and was concerned that antidepressants might affect her.
Slowly I started to come out of the hole. I would often see my psychiatrist twice a week, with the baby in tow of course. I started to feel stronger, then returned to work full time after my seven months of maternity leave ended. With a handful of smiling baby pictures, I picked up right where I had left off.
While I continued with talk therapy, I told very few people at work about my PPD. I was embarrassed. By the time my mood lifted, I tried to put the whole “depression thing” behind me. But I could not shake the feeling that I was a different person somehow. A person whose shoes I did not feel like myself in. I called it my “shift.” I blamed this feeling on the fact that I was now a working mother of two.
I was succeeding at being a good wife and mother at home, and an energetic highly motivated employee at work. I was Super Mom. The only difference between me and your average Super Mom, however, was I now had a history of depression.
In Part Two: Baking a lot of cookies is not a cure for clinical depression.
It would take a major depressive episode in 2003 for me to learn that what I really needed was medication and to learn the skill of balancing my life with respect to work, rest, and play.
© Airdrie Miller
Image: SXC and Johan Cloete.
Airdrie Miller teaches high school mathematics in Vancouver, BC. She also co-hosts and produces a podcast called Lip Gloss and Laptops. She has two beautiful daughters and a bloggable husband. Check him out at penmachine.com.
Airdrie is a wonderful human being and she is brave, strong, and carries herself and the burdens she’s had to deal with in such a gracious and stoic manner. She teaches each one of us a lesson in how to be strong in the face of difficulty.
Trackback: “Thanks Airdrie, you are doing more good than you know!”
Brava Airdrie!
Great post, Air. I’m looking forward to pt. 2. And thank you for bringing a little piece of you so that we can all keep hacking the stigma away. You ARE doing that.
And yes, as the blog says at the end you are a “wonderful human being [who is brave and strong]
My my, Airdrie, you are quite the celebrity!
Tris? Small world. I hope you’re well
Tod – I’m glad you stopped by. I’m emailing you.
And, to everyone – Yes, be sure to stay tuned for the second post in the series, which will be live in, oh, about six hours and some change.
Thank you for being brave and shedding light on your struggles, Airdrie. As someone who once struggled with depression herself (and still does from time to time), I have learned that one of the best steps anyone can take is to be open about it. Unfortunately, mental health is seemingly often pussyfooted around; whether it’s because there’s too great a stigma attached or many people don’t believe it’s real, I don’t know. I believe that if more of us step into the light with our struggles, more of those who are sitting silently may be able to ask for the help they so desperately need.
Love your podcast. You always sound so cheery- I never would have guessed you’ve had issues with depression. Just goes to show ya…it really can happen to anyone. Thanks for sharing.
You know my feelings about this, the more we talk about it, the better for everyone involved on both sides of depression. Yay you!
I take meds, Air. I struggled with panic attacks and anxiety disorder, and doctors told me (years ago) it was “nothing.” Nothing indeed. I went running to emergency rooms for years. Then my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and he, a physician, said “take these.” I did, and I have ever since. What a difference in my coping skills.
I’m so glad everyone has enjoyed Airdrie’s series (be sure to read the other three posts, if you haven’t) and can either relate or has learned something from her experience.