In Some Things I Remain A Master Of Self-Delusion

And some of us wonder why it doesn’t say “The End” after the Twelfth Step? No doubt because many of us, self included, remain masters of self-delusion years after putting the plug in the jug.

Page 58 (12&12) says: “As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren’t still self-deceived?”

And I feel like saying “Oh Hell Yeah!”

Because I continue to do a “good job” of deceiving me… and I don’t want to go back to Mr. Puppy here and his “two” JD’s.

The 12&12 goes on to say: “How could we be certain that we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn’t appraise ourselves fairly at all.”

Well, I’ll be happy to tell you that a fearless and thorough Fourth Step and Fifth Step remove that. However, time and the possible delusion that we’re okay, can erode the effectiveness, imo. Thankfully, the experience of the working of the Steps isn’t erased over a period of time when we’re not looking at that which we had done.

What follows was true in the past for me, developing the importance of non-recurrence after 4 & 5 – as the 12&12 reveals: “Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while we still blamed others for them.”

The drama and exaggeration are gone. Today I’m down to gut level honesty and don’t sugar coat it or “lighten the load” in any way.

I misled myself, from fear, into applying for employment in a field I had experience in. The fear was not making the person I’m living with happy. I’d possibly lose whatever I thought we might have had at that point. In the not quite a year, not only is this job less than I am qualified for (because I allowed that), it hasn’t, and won’t, change whatever road this “relationship” has traveled down. And I do mean – down…

I’m both frustrated and angry that I allowed myself to accept less than, settled like always, second best again. Here is where a large dose of self-delusion enters the picture.

But I’ve got a ton of experience in this field so, if I prove myself to these people, I’ll gain advancement once again – financially things will improve and “she’ll” be happier, I’ll be happier, oh hell, everyone will be happier.

Wrong!

And it begins to lead to negative thinking which just ain’t good, for me or you or anyone… something has to change.