Is Fatherhood More About Your Kids and Less About You?
Doug Neal, a contributing writer for Christian Dads looks at fatherhood from a diffferent angle, and makes some great points. His main point is about taking the focus off of yourself and placing it on your kids.
One of the things I’m realizing more and more is that being a dad is really a lot more about me than about my kids. What I mean is that being thrown into fatherhood and all the responsibilities of being a dad , only serves to highlight the areas where I’m seriously deficient. Another way of putting it is that whatever I am as a person without kids, is exactly what I’ll be as a father. My character, my values, my level of integrity, my relationship with God all go with me into fatherhood.
I agree completely with this assessment. I think what it all boils down to is teaching our kids by example, and demonstrating to them how to act and grow up as a proper acting adult. We all know there are things that are appropriate for adults but not for kids, such as drinking wine, smoking a cigarette, and other adult-like activity.
But here is where I go out on a limb with this one. If you seriously are thinking about your kids and not about yourself, you would stop doing those adult-like activities. We all know you can say, “Do as I say, and not as I do,” but that can only go so far. I mean if kids see that daddy or mommy is doing it then how bad can it really be? I think with raising kids and becoming responsible parents, doing away with your bad habits is important. Showing your children how to be responsible and healthy by living the way you want your kids to live will not only help you, but it will send a strong message to your kids.
We all grow up and are accustomed to what we are used to. No matter how hard we try we just are so strongly influenced by how we were brought into this world and raised. People often blame their parents, or their childhood for their adult actions. “Well I was brought up in an abusive home.” “I am the way I am because my dad drank heavily and was verbally abusive to my mom.” These are the things that shape all of us and determine how we are when we get older. Try to avoid it and you can’t. So when we raise our own kids, it is so important to not just drill words into their little minds, but to live and act according to your own philosophies. It is a lot harder than we think, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to be that perfect dad. It is like in the picture I posted. Lead by example and lend out a helping hand.
What think you?
By “adult-like activities” you mean to say, drinking, smoking, and things like these.
If that is the case, I would say I agree with you. It is much better for parents to lead by example. Children are hip to hypocrisy, and it will surely only do them harm (to whatever degree) if they sense it. And if parents really believed it to be “all about the kids” then they would take steps to cut out unacceptable behaviour.
However, I wonder whether we need to be careful with saying it is all “about the kids”, if it is to the detriment of the parent. I mean the “kids first whatever the cost” mentality. To wheel out a cliché: Parents are people, too. If parents find themselves doing something they really don’t want to do, it could lead to passive aggression, surely not something we want in the family.
Rory that makes a lot of sense. The other thing too is kids are born into our world and not us into theirs. To have the “it is all about the kids” attitude could backfire if you aren’t careful. People allow the kids to determine most things and how things should be. I understand we need to accomodate our kids but there needs to be a line drawn as to what they can and can’t do.
Also, kids need to learn that there are things that adults can do that children can’t do. It is teaching them about reality and gives children something to strive for. For example voting. Kids are not allowed to vote, drive a car, etc.
These types of things need to be set in place and have a clear understanding as to what side of the line you are on.
Steve, I did the wise thing and went and read Doug’s blog entry. What he says is pretty good.