Is It Possible To Avoid Infidelity?
July 8, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
Have you ever read Dear Margo? Margo Howard is the daughter Ann Landers and she writes the same sort of advice column that Ann was famous for.
I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and pretty much any other advice columnist that I could get find back in the day. I’m not sure if it was the advice itself or the people telling their troubles that interested me the most. (Probably the troubles – I am naturally nosey).
I was reading a recent column that covered a husband having an emotional affair with his boss. The emotional affair has the man – married 25 years – spending most of his time with a boss that he admits to feeling an attraction for. He buys her gifts, they spend off-time during the weekend together, they go out for drinks after work, alone. I get the impression that believing that this affair is merely emotional is wishful thinking. It sounds like that is his way of safely explaining the time spent with the boss. He has it out in the open so wife can’t “discover” it and freak out. Wow. That sucks. This cheater sounds either very devious, very smart, and like a real ass.
This emotional affair, with a co-worker, it’s the next big thing in cheating. People work together they build bonds, they have a team-mentality, and one thing leads to another.
How do people avoid affairs? How do you keep your partner from cheating? You can’t, can you? Either they want to be with you and they want to honor that commitment or they don’t.
Sometimes I think about cheating and I wonder if there’s more opportunity to cheat these days or if people simply have a weaker will, a looser set of morals than they used to have. Or possibly cheating happens at the same rate that it always has.
What do you think? If anyone has anything to say, I’d be very interested in your opinion.
Image credit: Sxc.hu
First I’d never accept an affair and wouldn’t tell anyone to do it. With that being stated I think you are onto something here Michelle it does seem like a growing trends. A few years ago it was becoming a trend that those met in a chatroom were having affairs, so it doesn’t surprise me that those at an office would. They see more of each other and sometimes are part of a whole other life, it was only recently that I met the people my husband worked with. I imagine some have never met their spouses co-workers so its kind of like two lives. Plus they could be working more hours with the tough economy now. Either way I can see how it would happen but definitely don’t agree with it.
I wonder if the economy makes it even more likely, because of the work-place desperation. What do you think, Eliza?
I agree it just makes it easier and they are more vulnerable in my opinion. Still no excuse but we all know it happens.
Last summer I went on a date with a guy who told me I was fooling myself if I thought I’d ever meet a man who would be faithful because there are too many women out there willing to accept the unfaithful. I felt sad after this. I know it’s true, but I refuse to believe it’s ok.
It’s neither true nor okay. I hope that was your one and only date with that bozo. I know a lot of men who have never and will never cheat. If women are so willing to accept his cheating (I’m assuming his idea comes from personal experience) then why was he single?
He sounds like a salesman. They will make stupid generalizations that leave you off balance in an attempt to get your to buy their point of view. Don’t buy it.
I’ve been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 28 years and specializing in infidelity. People have always cheated. Today, perhaps, with Social Media opportunities and the internet, there is more of tendency to play out one’s fantasies, which might stimulate overt infidelity behavior. Plus, I believe, our culture subtly “encourages” infidelity. After all, isn’t the goal to “fall in love” which is glamorized in tabloids…regardless of one’s marital status.
Yikes! A Marriage and Family Therapist is reading Relationships? Now I’m nervous. Everything I’ve read on the subject of infidelity follows what you are saying – it’s always been around. I wonder if the internet makes the Emotional Affair easier to engage in? I heard about one man who built a media/rec room in his basement for his family, but what he really wanted was some private time with his online girlfriend. Yuck.
I agree that people have always cheated, but I do not believe that everyone cheats. I wanted clarification on what you were stating here. I would hope that “falling in love” would only be the stepping stone to what I believe is the real goal in love and that is to find someone that loves you, cherishes you, and respect you. I do not believe that someone can respect you by cheating on you or “show” you that they love you by cheating on you. Love is more than a word, it should be shown by actions that speak louder than words.
Thank you for commenting on this site. It’s nice to see a “professional” opinion.
All of the above… My personal input is also that loyalty is and will continue to be missing. We are loyal to so few things in life- some people are even unfaithful to their children in persuit of purely selfish and destructive- fleeting satisfaction to fill the void of spiritual emptiness. Throughout history, there have been cultural, spiritual, perhaps religious principles that- though very different in physical manifestation- have generally upheld a similiar focus of honesty, goodness to one another and contentment. Until we stop looking elsewhere for what we think we are missing, and look INSIDE for the goodness that is THERE all along, we won’t be loyal to anyone- because we are still cheating ourselves.
Cheating to fill an emptiness makes a lot of sense to me as an explanation. I’ve seen this in my own family – a parent who cannot be loyal to any of his wives (he’s been married to 3 different women, but he remarries some of them for a total of 6 marriages). He appears confident, arrogant even, but really he is a mess of insecurity. It’s unfortunate – both for him and for whomever his wife is at the time. You’ve got to make peace with yourself and where you are in your life before you are any good to a partner. Some people never learn that and they will continue to search for ways to fill that void, sometimes in self-destructive ways.
How does one keep partner from cheating? Is that really within our control? Our partners tell us what they need non-verbally more so than verbally- are we really listening? The more face-to-face time you have with your significant other, the more likely you are to know when something is not right. There’s a great deal to be said for quality time together. Small things such as washing the dishes together, cleaning out the car togther, etc provide opportunities for conversation. Those conversations let us know if we are growing together or growing apart. The more time we have w/ out distractions of PDA’s and TV’s and internet, the more likely we are to be TRANSPARENT about our needs and concerns.