Leave the Nasty Baggage Behind
September 15, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I was talking the other day about Rich Santos, a dating blogger over at Marie Claire. He wrote a piece sharing some insight into the male mind. I saw this quote and felt it deserved a post all it’s own.
Leave your baggage at the door. Guys are happy to help out their girlfriends with emotional issues. But if the baggage becomes apparent too early in the relationship, then a guy will probably bail. Also, baggage causes people to put pressure on or damage a relationship, so it may be doomed from the outset.
Why is assumed that women are the only ones with baggage? Nobody gets to adulthood without a bag or two. I have issues, I admit it. It’s the people who say they don’t have issues that I worry about.
I knew someone who would question my motives and the things that I said, frequently seeing some other meaning in my words. I’m not a perfect communicator, but I’m not a double-talker either. When I say something, I mean what I say. I’m not using it as secret code for something altogether different. You know what I think was happening here? I think that sometimes this person had that baggage up around his ears and it kept him from hearing me correctly.
Here’s a peek into my personal baggage – I worry all men will cheat on me. This baggage comes courtesy of a few cheaters. (Thanks, guys.) In reality, I know that men are not all cheaters. I know that many of them have self control, but baggage is not about being smart or realistic. It’s about carting around something heavy that slows you down and possibly holds you back.
The trick is to recognize your personal baggage and refuse to pick it up. Start fresh. You might think that the baggage contains important lessons learned, but really it’s stuffed full of prejudice.
Leave that bag of prejudice behind. Walk free, feel lighter. When you met someone new, don’t judge that new person based on the experiences you had with the last joker who wasted your time.
Image credit: Sxc.hu
When I first began my current relationship I gave a “disclaimer”. It was something like, “I’ve been screwed over in so many ways for three years that it’s going to take me 6 years to get over it all. I know you’re not ‘him’, the issues are mine, but please be patient with me.” Yeah, it was baggage, but thankfully I found a good guy that was willing to allow me some grow-room. And really, in the end, the baggage turned out to be my own lack of self-confidence and self-worth. When I figured that out and understood it was for me to fix I was able to move forward. EVERYONE has some scar tissue/baggage (even my patient, loving man). It doesn’t mean that you can’t work through it with some understanding and real communication. And, honesty, especially with yourself (in my case, for sure!) is key!
I think that the key is to recognize whatever your issues are and to not fall into the same patterns that caught you up before. I know that in my current relationship, I’m not holding on to the same baggage that I usually do, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing everything right.
Thanks for commenting, Leah.