Lesson #2: Break That “Agreement”

If you guys remember those homework deadlines from our good old student time, it is one of the most powerful training methods our educational institutions use to train the future workers. After hundreds and thousands of repetitions, we are trained to know not to miss the due dates, thus busting our asses to do what we can even if we have to work over nights. . Ok, at least that’s what I did back in college. The deadline set by the professor was sort of an agreement between me and him/her so that I could finally receive the reward (a 3.9 GPA?). After we move into the workforce, the expectation set by the client or the manager becomes an agreement for us to work hard in return of promotions and salary increases. The problem is that back in school, the unreasonable aggreement was set to push our limits for training purpose, however, in the workforce, those agreements are set for employers’ economical advantages and thus costing us personal lives, health and sanity.

I am re-posting Kyall’s comments here ‘cause it really gave me a wake up call while I was struggling between responsibility and my own sanity:

There was some point in your career when you agreed that it was okay to work those hours. Life is full of unspoken agreements which turn into expectations.
From the article you posted the other day, the entire field has this unspoken expectation that salaried IT employees marry their jobs.
Wayne Dyer says that a belief is just a thought repeated over and over again until it’s ingrained in your mind. So, what do you do? Change your thoughts about what you are required to do on the job.
It isn’t going to be “easy”. Obviously the manager agrees with the “work to death” expectation of the IT professional. He believes he’s right and it’s likely others will, too. Yet the team member who quit stopped agreeing with the expectations around him.
And by your awesome step towards setting healthier boundaries, you are changing your beliefs and your agreements by standing up for yourself and resigning. And from that, you got a new job more aligned with your new agreements and beliefs about what you can do for work.
However, because you’ve been doing this for SO long, it’s no wonder you still feel like you have to work these insane hours still. You are essentially betraying the “agreements” and beliefs you’ve been living by for so long by moving on. And don’t forget the people around you who expect you to be the same ole Christine.
My therapist once said to me, “Kayll, stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve been doing this behavior for 25 years (people pleasing).” The further you move towards your new position, the farther you are removing yourself from old beliefs. But it takes time.

This is probably hard to do and will take long term to break a pattern we have formed for so long. However, I learned from my last 10 years that we have to put our own health and happiness before career and deadlines. Without a happy heart and healthy body, it doesn’t really matter how much we make or how impressive our titles sound. If you absolutely hate what you do and how your boss treats you, time to push back on unreasonable expectations and start making some exit plans if you have to.