Lesson Learned From My Daughter
August 21, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I’ve been thinking a lot about the state of being single, about how it can sometimes be viewed as “less than,” and how that idea sucks. I have questioned if the time between visits with my guy is filler, if I’m “killing time” until he can swoop into town and make me “whole” again.
No, that’s not it – it can’t be it. What a waste of a good life that would be.
I stay busy, I take care of my kids and my home and my work. I take pictures and read books and write on my laptop. I chat with my neighbors and my friends. I feel the full range of emotions – happy, sad, mad, whatever – and he’s absent throughout it all. Except, in a way he’s always there, at the back of my mind and as much as I love him, it bugs me that I don’t forget about him more.
Yesterday, I rushed home from work so that I could spend an hour relaxing on a raft in the creek with my daughter, Bay, and her friend, Kimm. Both girls – lovely, smart, funny teens – are single. It struck me how content the girls were to float along, fine hanging out with me – the mom. I hate to admit this, but I’m going to do it anyway…when I was their age, most of the things that I did, they were done with a boy in mind. Hanging out with somebody’s mom on the creek, I would have felt that something was missing, I would have been floating there with one eye on the bridge, watching for a cute guy to ride by on his bike.
Now, adult me, I’m fine without the boy. I have to be, he’s hours and hours away. I see him rarely and I refuse to waste this good life of mine, but it took me a long time to get here. These girls, they are already “here.”
Bay, she drives me crazy sometimes with her attitude and the way she works so hard in an attempt to make the world revolve around her. I worry about the way she lives in the now and doesn’t worry about the future. Then, there are moments like the one at the creek and I see this self-confidence that I did not have at that age. She’s content to be on her own, she’s not sweating the boy stuff. It might not sound like much, but to me it’s huge. She doesn’t feel “less than” anything and neither am I.
Image credit: Michelle Smith
You just about made me cry. Kudos to your daughter for having that self confidence. And kudos to her for learning early having a man is not what it’s all about. And kudos to you too. She learned it from somewhere. Chances are it was you.
Thank you, Shannon. I appreciate that. My girls and I have talked a lot about relationships and I’ve tried to talk to them about balance – I was single for most of their lives. These girls today, they seem to be more aware of their power somehow. I wish I had been aware of mine at their age.
Lovely piece about Bay. And something I contemplate a lot these days too. Just six months ago I was single, and had been single for most of my 28 years, and I was, for the most part, totally okay with that. And now I’m not single, and I find that I spend my weeks wishing they’d fly by so I could get to the weekend, when I get to spend time with my boy. I don’t want to be wishing my free time away, so I’m trying to embrace it once again.
Thanks, Heather. It’s funny, that trying to find a balance. I always wonder how much I’m on S’s mind. I hope you and your boy have something fun planned for this weekend.
I agree with you Michelle, at her age I was so boy-struck it isn’t funny. Us girls would hang out where the boys went, it didn’t matter that it was boring to us or that we weren’t doing something more fun like hanging at the mall or something. It was the ONE way to get their attention and it never was enough. I really hope my daughters have the self-confidence you mention in Bay. Already one of mine (older one) is talking about boys and I’m sitting in the back thinking please no, please no, etc. While she is too young right now I do hope she focuses more on her self and what SHE likes and not worry about the boy stuff until much later.
I understand what you mean though and if I’m not mistaken it took you a long while to find your “Man” so it is understandable he’s always on the back of your mind. You enjoy his company and like to share your life with someone, course at the same time you’ve done this all on your own for a long time, it would be hard to share that space once again. I really hope you find that happiness you deserve though and I’m glad your girls are showing you how confident YOU have raised them to be. Remember, you’ve shown them it isn’t all about the boys, but themselves. You’ve done great.
Thank you! I can’t take the credit for her confidence, but I do hope that I’ve shown her that you’ve got to be your own person first.