Let’s Talk About Sex Baby

With Jamie Lynne’s Spears’ teen pregnancy all over the news, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve talked to my kids about sex enough. We talked after they watched the video on reproduction in their sixth grade health class and after the unit on pregnancy and STDs in their eighth grade living skills class. We discuss movies and television shows we watch. I occasionally throw in a comment about waiting until marriage [and the age of 35] before having sex just to make sure we’re all on the same page. But is that enough? Have I made my views clear? Have I allowed them to share their point of view and really be heard?

When I was in eighth grade a girl in my class had a baby. In EIGHTH GRADE! I look at my eighth grader and think “how in the world can somebody your age even be thinking about sex.” His idea of having a girlfriend is making her number one on his list of MySpace friends, sharing MySpace comments, IMing and talking to her on the phone every night. I couldn’t even imagine somebody his age having a baby.

That same girl had her second baby when we were sophomores in high school. My sophomore still has to be reminded to wash his face most nights and asking him to take out the trash when the garbage can has been filled to the top for three days is usually a twenty minute conversation. I couldn’t even image someone his age taking care of two kids.

Last night I asked the kids if there are any pregnant girls in their schools. Thankfully there aren’t any pregnant girls in the middle school. My eighth grader told me he doesn’t know anybody that’s had sex and, even better, they don’t want to any time soon. Unfortunately it’s a different story in the high school. My tenth grader told me there are a few pregnant girls and he “can name about five girls who have had abortions.”

That’s when I decided the answer to my question is “No, you have not talked to the kids about this enough.”

Parents are a big influence on teenagers, but their friends and those cute girls sitting at the popular table are starting to creep in to my influence territory. I need to find better ways to reach my boys in terms they can understand. Lecturing won’t work and sitting down and trying to be all cool isn’t the answer either. I stopped being cool the day I picked them up from sports practice in my track pants with my hair in a ponytail and got the “Jeez mom, couldn’t you at least brush your hair” talk.

I like to think of myself as a young hip mom who can still remember how it is in the teenage years. But the reality is it’s been quite a few years since I was a teenager and I think I’ve blocked some of those memories out of my mind. Plus teens are a lot different now then they were in my day [and by my day, I, of course, mean five years ago]. Today they have Internet, MySpace, IM and cell phones. When I was younger we had to walk barefoot, uphill, both ways, in two feet of snow. Or maybe that was my grandparents.

My teenagers, like most teenagers, don’t like to be told what to do. Giving them a “no sex before marriage” ultimatum is basically like daring them to have sex. The way to reaching them is through casual conversations while we’re in the car or while hanging out in the kitchen making supper. But it’s always so awkward starting those talks. Who wants to discuss sex with their teenager? I still want to think of them as toddlers who need me to kiss their boo boos. But they aren’t toddler’s anymore. They are growing in to men and it’s my job as their parent to grow a spine and talk to them about the big issues.

Clearly I need some backup. I need somebody to help guide me through these years where the child who used to never want to leave my side has now turned in to some crazy, free thinking teenager. And that somebody is the bookstore.

At the bookstore I came across a book that has become my new best friend. It doesn’t talk back. It holds me when I’m scared. And, best of all, it gives me great advice on how to talk to my kids about sex. It’s Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. and Dominic Cappello. This book has case studies you can use as talking points. They introduce excellent questions I know I should be asking, but really hadn’t thought about asking like “what do you think a person should know about their partner before they decide to have sex.” It makes you think of your own experiences and how those can be a teaching lesson for your child. It’s exactly what I was looking for.

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year [just out of pure laziness], so today I decided to resolve to have more conversations with my kids about relationships, boundaries and sex. I plan on using this book as my guide. I’ll let you know how it goes.