Let’s Talk About Sex – Real Sex – Life After Marriage, Once a Month Sex
I know it’s not one of the most comfortable topics to discuss – but I’m betting it’s a topic that’s discussed in every single household that is occupied by one man, one woman and a little thing called a marriage license.
I’m betting it’s one of those topics that’s discussed quite loudly – similar to the topic of money.
Ladies, perhaps you can give me a little help here. A little insight or a slap on the head – whichever I may need.
I’m not sure if getting married and having kids provides enough of a comfort zone for women to get a little lazy in relationships or if it provides a sense of “ownership” to the caveman lurking in many of husbands. Whichever it is, I think it’s bogus (I know, it’s an 80’s style word and probably not used much, but it’s the best I can come up with at the moment).
I’m going to be completely honest – what makes me all kinds of hot and bothered is a man who works hard, has a sense of direction, a passion for something better, who isn’t afraid to pick up a broom, a dishrag or a cookbook AND USE THEM!
Now, once a man lands a woman and her heart, it isn’t a time to get all lazy. It doesn’t mean it’s there to stay! It means you have to keep doing what you were doing to win her heart to begin with. So, if you aren’t big on cleaning, don’t pretend to be during the courting phase. Get my drift?
I say this because I really believe it’s the men that grow most lazy in marriage most often, albeit, there are women who fall prey to a severe case of the lazies too – so ownership is just as viable regardless of gender.
When I have to work hard and carry the psychological burden of the family finances, the care of the kids and the bringing home the bacon all by myself, the last damn thing I’m going to want to do is jump into bed and pretend like I’m the least bit interested in intimacy.
To me, intimacy is earned. It’s something that is a celebration of achievements within marriage. A coming together of two people who are working toward one common goal, a happy, healthy life. Not a reward of some sort for having signed a piece of paper and for wearing a little gold band on your left ring finger.
A little known fact about me is I am currently on my third marriage. Mostly because I’m staunch in my beliefs and I take NO crapola from anyone! God blessed me with a strong backbone and I don’t think he would have me succumb to lesser lifestyle then he’s allowed me to desire. Of course I’ve vowed that if this marriage doesn’t make it, I will give in to my families legacy of living out the remainder of life alone and stress free 
I am just a little bitter at the moment. I’m watching a few people I truly care deeply about maneuver through their days depressed and far more lifeless then I’ve ever seen them. Mostly because they are trying to figure out how to adjust to a relationship they didn’t sign on for. The marriage they once committed to is now a complete farce!
I know Dr. Laura would probably string me up for saying this and that sex should never be used as a weapon or leveraging tool – but dayum – when the rest of your life is going to poo – what else is there?
I know, it’s not exactly parenting, but it’s parents nonetheless
(image: stock.xchg)
Gayla, I can understand where you’re coming from here. A common complaint amongst many married women is that there is little or NO intimacy or connection from morning till bedtime, when suddenly the wife is miraculously supposed to be all hot and bothered, like switching on a light. Nope, not gonna happen.
Keeping the fire alive in your marriage takes a lot of work, and there is no way around it. Both have to continuously do what is necessary to spice things up in the marriage on a regular basis, otherwise couples may likely find themselves drifting apart, having affairs, or ending up in divorce court. It’s a common problem in marriage, but sticking together and working things out amicably is much better (and cheaper) than getting a divorce.
Flip side (and yes, you said women have to work at it too) is when the man takes on all the responsibility, and the wife decides to use the lure of sex to get “just a little more” done – while not *doing* anything. Including following up.
Nice, fast way to kill a relationship and any sense of respect. But yes, women fall prey to “the lazies” too. My ex (note that word) went down to part time work, yet when I came home, I had to do the housework, pick up dinner on the way, etc. as well.
Either way, I don’t care if it’s the husband or wife – that’s a surefire way to make your partner feel used and certainly not respected.
I know what you mean about getting the man to do housework. It is sexy, isn’t it? lol If only they would see that. A man is a physical being and they can get turned on in a second. A woman is an emotional being and it takes romance, wooing, intimacy, and feeling connected. Just a few simple kind acts can get a woman ready. Too bad a lot of men don’t see it that way.
And, just to be fair to the men…I’l tell you what my husband says to that, “Yeah…and if you’re a woman, don’t pretend to love giving oral sex while we are dating and then cut it out after marriage.”
Of course, I suffer from TMJ so it is quite different in my case! But you get the point.
Mu husband would take sex twenty times a day. He also comes home from work and immediately starts doing housework. He cooks, he cleans and he takes care of kids. That is why he gets it pretty frequently and he gets it gooooood! Sorry, TMI.
Sorry…let me clarify that last comment.
We do not do the nasty twenty times a day. He would like that, but we have to live. He does everything he can to treat me like a queen and as a result, it makes me want to make him my king…in and out of the bedroom! (Just as long as I shave my legs and he doesn’t eat stinky cheese before sex!)
Kadi, you’re responses are cracking me up! TMI to start with, but still tooooo funny!
Lucky you Kadi. I think it’s sad to see SO many relationships fail because people pretend to be one thing before and then change. But then you end up in a game of blame on who changed first.
Sad situations all around.
I had to explain my emotional/sexual link to my husband in terms he could understand. I said
“What if you went into business w/ another person and you two invested 50/50 and the returns would be split 50/50 and they let you do all the work, spend all the time and effort getting it going and keeping it going, while they kind of just ‘hung out.’ Wouldn’t you be resentful as hell when it was time to split the profit w/ them? Would you consider them a friend? ” That’s how I feel when we’re both enjoying the benefits of marriage and family, and I’m doing the majority of the work to keep it running..and after feeling like that all day or week or whatever I DO NOT want to be intimate w/ my lazy ‘partner.’
And on the physical side of things, I had to explain to him that I CANNOT go from mommy to sexy lover in 5 minutes. And when he approaches me thirty seconds after I’ve tucked in little ones, it’s a huge turn-off.
Daniel and I do not function on a 50/50 partnership. We both give 100% as a rule of thumb. That way, if one of us is having an off day, the other can easily cover what the other is lacking. Of course, we have not run into the problem of one of us continually slacking. That would be pretty annoying. We try to talk about our relationship every laundry night (we fold the week’s worth of laundry one night a week.) If there is a breakdown in communication, all else will fail. I’m no expert, by far, but it is what works for us. We’ve only been married 10 years, though, so I’ll have to let you know how I feel in another ten years
Ten years is a long time these days.