Letting Teens Set Their Own Bedtime
Since we have kids from age 6 to 16, the teens often get the short end of the stick. If we go to the movie theater as a family they have to watch a kiddie movie (although sometimes they do go to another movie by themselves while the rest of us go to the kiddie movie). We have family game night and we play the junior version. We plan a family outing and it’s seldom what the teens want to do; a picnic at the park and playground or Disney on Ice rather than a hockey or baseball game where the younger ones won’t sit still. When one of the teens scream “you treat me like a baby” he might actually have a point.
So the last few days I’ve really been thinking we should probably ease up on them and let them make a few more decisions on their own.
I’ve read several articles about how important sleep is, especially for teenagers. They need sleep to
- process everything they’ve learned that day,
- minimize stress,
- help maintain a healthy weight,
- and to decrease moodiness
…to name a few things. Basically, sleep is very important in keeping our teens healthy.
Experts say teenagers should get around 9 hours of sleep a night. But when school starts at 8am and teens have jobs, homework, extracurricular activities and friends to hang out with, making sure they get that full 9 hours is difficult. Plus teens apparently have an night owl internal clock and don’t usually feel tired until around 11pm or later.
We typically strongly suggest (ok, force) the teens to go to bed around 10pm. They get up for school at 6:30 so if they go to bed at 10pm and fall right to sleep (yeah right) then they will get 8 1/2 hours of sleep. But recently the teens have really been fighting the 10pm lights out rule. And I’ve been trying to decide if this is one of those battles we should pick or if we should give them a little leeway.
The Mayo Clinic suggests…
Let your teen fall asleep at his or her natural bedtime for a few nights — no matter how late it may be — but insist on a fixed wake-up time. Then move the bedtime back by 10 to 15 minutes each night until you reach a reasonable bedtime.
I like that advice. It gives the teens an opportunity to make their own decisions, but still lets me feel like I’m being a responsible (read: nagging) parent.
What time do your teens go to bed? Do you let them choose? Or do you have a set time?
My almost teen (3 more months) goes to bed at 10 and gets up at 6:15. Some people think that’s late for a 12 year old, but I tell them that when she stars showing that she’s not getting enough sleep I’ll change it. She’s not overly moody, she gets good grades, etc. I honestly don’t think she’s going right to sleep like she’s supposed to because I’ve caught her on her laptop or texting a few times, but the way I see it, she has to suffer her own consequences, ie being tired the next day, and I think it’s like you said… she’s just not tired yet.
Hi, I’m 21 so I thought I’d put in my recently-teen two cents.
When I was 11 I was going at 10pm. At 13 or so, it was 11pm all the way until like, 11pm. (I was waking up at about 7am.) When I was 17, it was a free-for-all and it would be 1am, 2am, 3am, whenever. Ever since then, my average bedtime has been 1 or 2am. I have gotten good grades my entire life, been a part of sports, and got through high school virtually unscathed.
I meant to say “all the way until, like, 17. (I…”
my 13 year old and 10 year old have the same bed time of 9pm. they can read if they want, but they are supposed to be in bed at that time with the tv off. most of the time, the 13 yr old is asleep by 9:05 if he hasn’t already gone to bed on his own. the 10 year old is a night owl and would stay up all night if i let her. but since she usually reads, she ends up reading herself to sleep. the boy gets up at 5:30 every morning so by the time 9pm rolls around, he’s beat. if he wasn’t falling asleep at 9pm anyway, we’d probably bump his bedtime till 10, but right now it’s a mute point. when they want to and can manage to stay up later, we’ll adjust bedtimes accordingly. bed time is later in the summer when they don’t have to get up for school. they have to be in bed before me or when i go to bed and i usually go to bed at 11pm.
My problem is that when I let my teens stay up to watch a movie or something else and I say goodnight, they don’t go. They sit there and talk or wander around the kitchen like I haven’t just told them to go to bed. I end up getting upset and I don’t want bedtime to be like that. But, it’s pretty much a given that if I say goodnight at 11 p.m. that it will be 12 before they go. Any suggestions?
this was not helpful at all! very lame
I agree with Sheri. My 17 and 15 year old kids just don’t want to go to bed before 11:00. I refuse now to stay up and enforce rules. It means that an argument starts and I am the one ending up going to bed too late too! So, in order to keep my sanity, I suggest they go to bed when I am turning in. If they go, great. If not, I go and now chose not to think about them being up. Sometimes, its a lost cause, and you hope that they will figure it out one day when they are falling asleep in class or at home after school. It’s not worth the stress, the arguments and the worry.
My 14 yo son has always gone to bed easily and risen early. Until recently. We set summer bedtime at 11pm, with wake-up at 9 am. He thinks this very unreasonable, saying none of his friends have set hours. He is now pushing these times, not shutting out lights till 12am, sleeping till 10am if allowed. I have just begun reading online about this. I am inclined to keep our set hours. If we become lax now, this will set the stage for 4 miserable years till he’s independent. I am still gathering information, but I think we need to do the difficult thing now.