Levels of Friendship
June 12, 2009 by Aly Walansky
Filed under Relationships
I go through stages where – despite having tons of friends and nightly events – I feel incredibly alone.
I sometimes wonder if it’s me being melodramatic, or if it’s accurate that while I have a lot of people in my life, and a lot of activities to share in, I have very few quality relationships. I am no one’s best friend. There’s no one who sees me as their great love.
In general, I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, a few friends, and literally no one that I can talk to about everything on my mind, and know I will get an open, non-judgmental ear. I want that so badly – but then I wonder, is that asking too much?
I try to be that person to the people who are important to me. Am always there for them when they go through breakups, or job stress, or life dramas. And they are sort of there for me, but never to the degree. Do I just give too much? Or am I giving what isn’t even being asked for?
I’d love to see your thoughts – do you see you have unequal friendships? Do you get what you give? Do you expect to?
It’s interesting how in dating, there is “the rules” and “the secret”…but in friendship, we pretty much take it, or leave it, as it goes.
Image: Sxc.hu
Aly – I think everyone goes through times where they feel like that. I think a lot of it comes from the fact you live in a busy city (NYC) where there’s a lot of activity, stress and hectic lifestyles. Many people are more concerned about their own survival and the superficial than forming quality friendships. I felt very much the same before I got married when I lived in Los Angeles. I had only one or two people I would’ve considered “good friends.”
And even though you don’t have a true love yet, you will. I got married late and a good marriage is worth waiting for. With marriage comes a best friend, a confidante, a sex partner, a true love and someone who will put you above all else — all wrapped up in a handsome package. Just because Mr. Walansky
hasn’t found you yet doesn’t mean he’s not going to be awesome when he arrives.
Aly, I went for a lot of years without a best friend. I can remember thinking that it was so easy back to find a good friend back when I was a kid. I went through my 20s and my 30s with acquaitances, but no best friend. I missed having one person who I could talk to about anything and everything. Then, I reconnected with some old childhood friends and that changed.
Is it possible that the people you are friends with are just very busy and don’t have the time to develop that deep best friend-type bond? Or maybe they are afraid to reach out that far?
I know that this won’t work for everyone, but all my important adult relationships – my boyfriend, my two best friends – they are all people that I grew up with. Are you still in contact with any of your old friends from school? There’s something about that shared past, it’s like an instant intimacy.
A man, that is tricky. It will happen. I know it doesn’t help to hear/read that, but it’s the truth. I think that meeting a special man is a lot like meeting a best friend. People are so busy, it’s hard to slow down long enough to get to know someone.
Are you using The Rules? My friend swears by them. I’m not good at Ruling anybody.
I know exactly how you feel. I am presently in a situation where my best friend no longer connects with me because she is too busy with her own life and other people. I have tried my best to reach out to her but she does not seem to be putting in much effort to be there for me in the same way I am there for her. It hurts because I am not the type to ask for much and although I am always there for others when I look around there is no one there for me. But I am learning more and more to first be there for myself..to put myself first and to stop trying too hard to please others. I am also learning to give of myself to things that really matter. If you are feeling that the people in your life are not reciprocating then you need to ask yourself why…do they value you the same? Do they take you for granted? If you feel that way you need to let them know how you feel.