Life goals: Stay at home or working mommy?
September 16, 2008 by Lara Kulpa
Filed under Relationships
I just read a really great post about stay at home wives/moms versus working ones at Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.
It got me thinking a lot.
In an ideal world, I will meet and marry a man who makes enough money at his job (regardless if he works at home or not) that I can continue doing what I love to do, which is my consulting business and blogging, and still raise children properly. (I use properly in quite strict terms – I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into the world if you’re not financially capable to give them a middle-class lifestyle.)
I do not EVER want to “go back into the workforce”. I do not ever want to find myself fitting into a preconceived notion of an employer, or even trying to. I do not ever want to be limited to a 9-5 grind with a 30 minute lunch. I do not ever want to have to get up at a certain time to go to work lest I be fearful of lateness and resulting punishment of some kind. (To get kids and hubby up and running to school and work – that’s something I would love to have to get up for.)
I love the fact that more and more women are able to do this sort of thing – work from home, raise a family, and make things work financially so that no one suffers. But there are some really strange stigmas attached to being a stay at home mom that make people instantly think of either Stepford Wives or fat, sweatsuit clad, makeup-less, messy-haired women curled up in front of the soap opera hours surrounded by emptied packages of Pringles and bon bons.
But I think that planning a future with someone should totally address this issue well ahead of time. Goals like these (regardless if you’re looking to become CEO Woman In Charge at your company, or you’d rather be that bon bon eater) are just as important as whether or not you’re a cat person or a dog person. They’re as important as whether you’re cluttered or zen-like. They’re as important as if you prefer the opera to a mosh pit. All of the above if not more so.
To me, these sorts of things are non-bargainable aspects of one’s personality and self-made happiness. Relying on someone else for those things is never a good idea, and just doing whatever your significant other wants you to do so as to avoid an argument isn’t a good idea either.
How have you determined long term life goals into your current or past relationships?
When I got married, the plan was for me to stay home when we had kids and my husband would support us with his income. Unfortunately, he worked at a lumbermill during a time when the lumber industry was struggling. Not very long after my oldest was born, the lay-offs began. Eventually the mill closed down. We lived in a very small town (5000 people) with few job opportunities.
Our second came along – no amount of birth control could hold that child back apparently – and we split up when she was 6 months old. I moved out of town, to the town where I now live 3 hours south. I was a part time student, then a mostly work-at-home mom at that point. I have a pretty unique situation, in my main job, though.
I think that it’s important to have a plan, but to recognize that unforseen things can happen (jobs ending, unplanned babies, divorce). Your idea that you don’t rely totally on someone else’s income, that’s a good one.
If my boyfriend and I end up living together someday, there is no way that I am going to rely on him for my lifestyle. That’s why it’s going to take so long, I can’t do the work that I do in his state. Makes the compromise almost uncomprise-able and very frustrating.
You’re right Michelle, to feel the way you do. I think your situation is especially important to think about when it comes to how you’re going to do things with working and taking care of the kids.
Life’s NOT easy. But as a parent, it’s your main job to do whatever it takes to make it as easy on your kids as possible. You’re fabulous at that, with or without a partner, and that’s inspiring as all get out.
Thanks, Lara. I do my best – sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don’t. Every day is another chance to get it right or that’s what I tell myself on the days when I really don’t get it right. ;D