Like Mother Like Charlie
June 14, 2008 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
Charlie has a few days off between the last day of school and the start of Extended School Year on Wednesday. We’ve only been visiting my family on the west coast once a year at Christmas for some time, as, for some years, the airplane rides had gotten too taxing for Charlie (and Jim and me). Last December, Charlie had done well with us adapting a strategy of flying very early or very late on a red-eye, so that he sleeps for most of the flight. So a couple of months ago we got tickets and Thursday night I was running around, lists running through my head of medications to pack, a belated birthday gift for a cousin’s daughter, a special photo book to share.
Charlie was excited and not only did he stay up very late on Thursday (setting him up for a deep snooze on the early Friday morning flight). He didn’t go to sleep or bed at all: If he’d had his way, we’d have left for the airport at 8pm on Thursday evening. Finding him ready to go at 5am on Friday morning, I got Jim up and we tumbled into the black car and off for Newark Airport.
Jim had made plans to visit an old friend in St. Louis and, with waves and hugs, he dropped us off. Charlie ran out of the car, eager to see California and my parents, then paused and looked around. “Dad,” he said.
I explained that Dad was going to St. Louis till Sunday afternoon, when he wanted to be come to attend his aunt’s funeral. “Dad,” said Charlie. And then, “Home. HOME.”
For the next hour, it wasn’t words that spoke Charlie’s distress, but cries that escalated into something loud enough to be heard throughout Terminal C. A ticket agent kindly checked my suitcase. An airport employee who approached us as we waited to go through the metal detectors summoned us out of the line and said, since I was doing “nothing” to stop Charlie from crying, he was taking matters into his own hands. It was hardly the moment for me to explain that the way to stop Charlie from crying was to understand that telling him to stop, especially in a threatening and angry tone of voice, would only make him cry more and feel worse; that what appeared to be “doing nothing” was a strategy learned after many painful parenting moments.
We were dispatched to a special security line and were soon walking to our gate, Charlie still calling for his dad and wailing and wanting a certain blue shirt of Jim’s that I knew had been left behind on the kitchen table. But telling Charlie this resulted in louder crying as we sat down in the waiting area, Charlie doubled over and trying to stop his sobbing, and crying louder. I rubbed his back up and down and told him I knew he was doing his best. I got him on the plane during pre-boarding and, with his blue fleece blanket and a pillow on his lap, Charlie fell asleep before the plane took off and for most of the flight. He looked for Jim in the baggage claim area in San Francisco and called and called for him when we got into my parents’ car.
“A picture schedule, make a picture schedule,” Jim reminded me on the phone and I sat right down at my parents’ computer and found photos of Jim and my parents’ house and my parents and an airplane. I showed the schedule to Charlie, who put it with his special things in his backpack, then carried it around and set it on the floor in the middle of the hallway, the better to note it. He insisted on roaming in my parents’ front yard and driveway: It was a warm, sunny day and I settled down on the steps to watch him.
Around 6pm some aunts and uncles and cousins and my grandmother, Ngin Ngin, appeared and we celebrated Charlie’s eleventh birthday, belatedly. He was first wary of the guests, then carefully regarded them, then ventured in to eat brown noodles and salt and pepper chicken. My mom produced her legendary carrot cake with cream cheese frosting; the candles were lit; and (with me whispering “blow, blow!”) Charlie blew them out. He ran back out to the driveway after opening some presents and my cousin recalled how his daughter (now in college and sitting next to me) had called him in tears when she spent the night at her aunt’s, and asked to come home.
“Oh yes,” said one of my aunts, and remembered the one and only time my sister and I had slept over at her house when we were very little. “You stood at the window for three hours and called ‘Mommy, Mommy!’”. “Yeah, that sounds right,” I said. “You wouldn’t leave the window,” my aunt added. And my parents were not even an hour away.
What can I say: Like mother, like son.
Oh, this made me weepy! I hope the picture schedule helped Charlie relax a bit. I can appreciate his anxiety at not having Jim there when he is so used to his daily presence.
Wow…travel is confusing and stressful enough, but travel AND dealing with a parent you’re accustomed to having around not being there is certainly going to be quite a bit more so. I can definitely understand Charlie’s distress. :/ Glad you folks made it out here (to California) safely, though.
Regarding the security person’s comments: I have never in my life understood why some people think you can make people stop crying by being stern with them and telling them to stop. I was terribly confounded by this phenomenon while growing up, as crying was never something I had any actual control over — it would just happen when I was really upset or frustrated. Believe me, if I could have stopped, I would have, but most of the time I just had to wait until whatever was upsetting me stopped, or until my brain adjusted to what was going on, which could sometimes take a while.
That was hard to read in places. I’m glad you both are okay.
“…he was going to take matters into his own hands…” and do what?
It takes one second to size up the situation and realize the kindest thing is to ignore, give a sympathetic and kind smile to the caregiver and mind your own business! Glad you are with your family now.
I really had no idea what the security staff person was thinking. The atmosphere at the airport was really uptight and, while I don’t think Charlie looked like any sort of “threat,” they weren’t too thrilled to have a loudly crying child in their midst. He said something along the lines of “since you won’t placate me”——??????——when I tried to explain why Charlie was crying. I knew Charlie would get over it but, as Anne wrote, he’d need to let it work through him.
Charlie woke up at 6am California time today—-kept pointing to the bookshelf and asked for “read book”! I found a little set of Winnie the Pooh books that were mine (4 small books in a box) and set them on the bed and he went back to sleep with those and the picture schedule beside him.
Glad you and Charlie made it safe to CA. I hope the schedule brings him some security in knowing what’s up.
I don’t know what the security person thought he was going to do to “handle the situation” either. Is crying considered a security breach (that’s a serious question).
I have thought that it would be a good idea to introduce Eleanor to air travel, but recently going through O’Hare, the thing that I mentally rehearsed was how would I navigate her through the heightened security, which seemed kind of unsympathetic to specialized situations? If you have any suggestions, based on your more substantial first-hand experience, I’m all ears.
I am glad that you made it. They need to seek to understand than seek to be understood.
I travel to Asia every year to see my family. I ended up not going a couple of years when my daughter was younger. One year, I had to stand in the aisle of the plane for 4 hours because I was afraid to even move her after she fell asleep for screaming for a long time. The last few years, we brought a portable DVD player with us and that has helped.
I haven’t tried to travel by air since my kids were 3 & 4 years old. I couldn’t imagine trying to placate them now. Good for you for being so patient when it was the security official who needed a stern talking to.
Have a good trip.
Welcome back to California — I laid the weather on just for you.
And happy birthday, Charlie! Your photo’s still on the refrigerator, so I think of you most days.
Likewise, welcome to California. I’m sorry that Charlie had such a hard time in the airport. It must have been very stressful. I’m glad things seem to be going better now.
You are brave to endure a solo flight with your son and that airport employee seemed brutal. Glad to know a picture schedule helped Charlie adapt to Jim not being around. Are you in the area of the fires? Enjoy your time visiting family before going back East.
Even though it’s grueling, as you know, you are doing a wonderful service to Charlie, to give him these experiences.
So glad you made it. Getting through airport security is tough enough for the NTs among us, let alone for our kids. Hope you’re having fun out there! Great that school is out, isn’t it!?! Happy b-day to Charlie!
Wow, that’s rough for him, at the airport. But I’m glad things are better in San Fransisco.
Funny enough, I actually am typing from a San Fransisco hotel room. I’m on a bit of a road trip with some family and a family friend…
Cliff
We’re across the bay….. Charlie has been settling in more, though his time clock is going to be very confused when we return to New Jersey on Tuesday morning.
It’s the first flight Charlie and I have done just the two of us in a few years. Had some very interesting moments a few years ago while on the plane. Charlie and I used to visit California with just the two of us fairly frequently, when he was a baby and toddler.
Usually security has not been a big deal for Charlie. He’s been very good about taking off his shoes and putting his backpack and coat on the belt to go through the metal detector, and on walking through the detector. This last trip reminds me that it might be helpful (though maybe not) to take a doctor’s note with us, just in case. The biggest problem was missing Jim.
Will certainly keep trying—-
Hi to everyone on the West Coast!
Congratulations to Charlie and to you for making it through what is the nightmare of 21st century cross-country travel! That he actually got on the plane when he was feeling so upset is a great triumph for Mom and son.
Tom was also easier to travel with when younger. The longest flight we ever attempted was to Florida last year which was overall a good time. He had no problem with the flight although he hated taking off his shoes for security. Didn’t cry but complained loudly, scolding the security people, who thought it was cute (thank goodness–this might be the difference between a smaller airport, White Plains, vs a big place like Newark). Our problem came when we went to pick up our rental car–and he wouldn’t get in it for 20 minutes! “That’s NOT our car,” he kept repeating, then finally was lured in by the promise of a McDonald’s lunch.
Enjoy your family time!
Wow. After catching up on your posts I read this one after the recent one of the mother and son being asked to leave the air plane. Sounds like you may have been in a similar situation. I am so glad you explained why you were not reacting too much to Charlie being upset.
M gets very upset when J travels. It has gotten better over time. When I go away things get really rough for M. I think that change in her schedule and having to have almost everything for the day done slightly differently upsets her a lot.
Even though flying is hard and traveling I am determined to keep doing it. It is worth the experiences, I think.
Apparently, people need to be educated on so many more levels than we realize when it comes to supporting families with special needs children.