Limitations – Deciding When To Accept Them and When To Move On

I live my life in a certain way, a way that I can feel comfortable about, proud of, even.  And that’s fine for me, but I run into problems when the other people in my life do not live their lives the same way.  I am only in charge of me, what I do, how I treat people, how I do my jobs.  The other guy, that’s on them and I need to let go and let them deal with it in their own way. It is really very difficult for me. 

I had a talk with my boyfriend this morning. I asked what his plans were and he told me some basic ideas. He said that the problem with saying a plan out loud was that then you could be held to it.  I said, maybe that’s what is needed sometimes to stay on track. He asked if I thought he was “adrift” and we laughed, but yeah, I do think he is adrift. I think he’s got some ideas and a handful of plans, but is unsure in which direction to go.  None of the directions have anything to do with me or my family.  I noticed this and said nothing for a long time. I hate arguing, hate the way he raises his voice and I immediately tear up. 

Finally, I pointed out that none of those plans have anything to do with me or my family. He said, “Of course, Michelle. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my s–t right now.” 

So, yes, I finally brought the subject up, but he cannot tell me anything because he does not know what he wants right now. We have moved so far backward. The thing that bothers me the most is that it is hurting my daughter.  She loves him so much. She wants him to be her daddy.  She is such a great kid, so warm, loving, funny, truly the brightest light in my life. 

I am going to speak with her about him today. I am going to say that sometimes people come into your life and they are great in so many ways, but they are not people that you can count on. They are sort of free spirits and they can talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, they don’t have what it takes to make things permanent. We have to learn to love them, but not expect much from them. 

I believe that he loves us to the best of his ability, but I also believe that he loves himself much more and accepts his failings too quickly. He will say, “I don’t want to be like…….,” and then he will turn around and do the very same behavior. It will bother him that he does it, but he does not change anything.

The trick, for me, is to either let go, or learn to live with the limitations of our relationship.  Have I talked myself into thinking that this is the only man I can ever be happy with? The only one who will truly accept my limitations?  The only man who will love my chubby thighs and smooshy belly?  That can’t be true, right? But women, we do that, we think oh no, this is the only one who will ever love me like this.  Well, next time, I want to be loved better than this. I want to be loved the way he loved me in the first 6 months of our relationship, the way I’ve seen glimpses of in the last year, but not any sort of long haul determination or behavior. 

I need to put my focus back on the things that make me feel healthy (family, friends, exercise) and successful (work) and put this relationship on the back burner. I believe that is what he wants me to do.  He wants to figure things out without worrying about me and I need to let him do that, because I am his friend. I do not know if I want to be his girlfriend any longer.