Made Direct Amends
September 5, 2007 by Mark
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
The Ninth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Tom’s Story
I love retelling Tom’s story. I’ll never be able to tell it the way he did yet I think you’ll get his meaning. I did and have retained it, thankfully. He had to have told it many times prior to the first time I heard him, he was 17 years sober and a member of the Patchogue group.
The way he told us, Tom was in the habit of getting drunk every Christmas Eve. He’d been doing this for years along with all his other drinking episodes. During the early years of getting drunk on Christmas Eve he’d developed a habit, because of shame and remorse and a desire to get back in her good graces, of writing an apology note to his wife. You know, something along the lines of “I’m sorry honey, I swear I’ll never do it again.”
Well, there came that one more time when he’d sworn he wouldn’t do it again and yet, here he was, on Christmas Eve, out drinking. So, as he had become used to doing, he prepared his apology note. On Christmas morning, as he stumbled through his home’s front door in a stupor, his wife was there to “greet” him. As usual with little fanfare, he offered her the “I’m sorry” note. This time however, with what I’m certain was a distinct level of final anger, Tom’s wife stared at him and told him “Don’t move, I’ll be right back!”
If you consider what we are like at moments like that, I can imagine Tom, wanting to just lie down and sleep this one off, just standing there in the foyer probably leaning on whatever was available, waiting for his wife to return, expecting the usual “It’s okay hon, we’ll talk later, just go lay down for now.”
Except that this time as she returned she had an open shoe box in her hands from which she tossed years of apology notes she’d been collecting at his face and said “Here’s all your other lame apologies. They didn’t work just like this one hasn’t!” And she stormed away, saying that if he didn’t do something to change she had had enough and was through with him.
He made his first meeting that day.
Hollow apologies are not amends!
“I’M SO SORRY I’LL NEVER DO THAT AGIAN”
Boy we know that one well dont we? I was tought a while ago that “sorry ” is no where in this step but Amends is and was told to look it up in the great big book of words . And much to my dismay it was all about CHANGE once more , more change .
Today I still make these amends mainly to one person who just will not for there own reasons let me speak on the past , I do things for this person {who is getting up there in age }and dont tell anyone most of these things I realy dont want to do but willingness is doing something I dont want to do .
HAHA Tom sounds like my kind of guy! I can definitely relate to that story!
Thanks for sharing it!
I think the key lesson of that story comes from the part where you say Tom wrote the note at least in part out of a desire to get back in his wife’s good graces.
That has nothing to do with amends, that’s the OPPOSITE of making amends!
An old timer explained it to me as – you don’t make amends for you, you do it for them. You don’t make amends so you’ll feel better, you make them so maybe they will – and the magic part is, if you do it right, if you do it completely for them…you will feel better!
John,
That sure sounds like another valid way to perceive it and thank you.
making amends can it be done in a phone call or does it have to done in person?
I hurt a new friend over a period of about 6-8 months by being obssessed with him and pushing myself on him, then got angry and told him, no wonder your wives left you for other men, when he said he wanted no more communication with me. I was on anti depressants and had a vitamin d deficiency, as well as a number of life changing events occurring, job change, interstate move, loss of a fiance of 12 years, as well as not fitting in at the new job. I want desparatly to make amends to this man and I am going through al-anon (I grew up in an alcoholic family0 and am in counseling. He will not acknowledge me, foregive me, or respond at all. I’m afarid he will yell at me and say some nasty things if I just “dropped by” to make them, it’s been about 4 months since this happened and I am really looking for some guidance. I feel very bad for the things I said and did to hurt him. How can I make it up to him?
Victoria,
Though it may seem like it, somehow I think this is not the best place to look for answers to challenges like you present.
Please consult your Al-Anon sponsor and your therapist regarding this…