Maintenance What?

I have to be the first to admit that while I am pretty knowledgeable in many areas of marital studies there is the occasional term that I don’t know.  This was the case of a phrase I came across a few years ago.  The idea seemed odd to me.  And so, to understand it I did what I always do, I researched it and what people had to say about it.

What was the term?  Maintenance sex.  If you are not aware of the definition it is when the low drive partner plans an encounter that is geared specifically for the high drive partner to quickly release.  And everything I have read is geared toward teaching women how to do this creatively.

And therein lies my irritation and frustration.  There is no reason that if the husband is the low drive spouse he cannot come  up with creative scenarios just as easily as a low drive wife can.

Is there?

Apparently, what I am seeing, is that high drive spouses need, not only more sex, but imaginative, playful, intense sex.

Low drive spouses seem to be perfectly happy with the physical side of it, less often, and routine is o.k.

Often the LD spouse can’t understand why the HD spouse emotionally and intellectually needs more play.  I think I want to explore that some other time..but right now the subject is maintenance sex.

So, on Amazon I was paging through a book called, “Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Maintenance Sex” If you don;t know, you can read excerpts from books on the website.  If the publisher allows it there is generally a button underneath that you click to get inside the book.

Anyway, as I was reading it I was thinking, Wow! This is cool! This would be awesome!  How much fun is THAT?

And all of a sudden I realized that it was because I am the HD spouse not the LD spouse, and that more than likely the LD spouse would be reading and rolling their eyes.  And then I realized that everything in the book told women how to make a quickie intense for their spouse with out actually having to use penetration… but there was, of course,nothing about how men can create a quickie scenario for their wives.

In the book they suggested various toys (sleeves, vibrators, lubes, etc).  In the same way toys can be used when the LD spouse is the husband.

Why would you need ot add maintenance sex to your relationship? Basically you should consider it under the following circumstances:

• You have to be celibate for a period of time due to illness, birth, etc.
• You just have a much lower drive than your spouse.  If you aren’t sure if this is a necessity, ask your spouse how often they masturbate out of need.  That should give you your answer.  IF they are honest.
• You want to spice things up and get back some of the “fire” you used to have in your relationship
• Your spouse has been withdrawn and depressed lately and not as physical with you as in the past.

So, what is good maintenance sex? It is important to know because bad maintenance sex makes you want to hand your spouse $20 and say “thanks”.

(Remember, I am writing from the perspective a a higher drive spouse that is a woman, it may be a little different for many men…but my guess is that it is pretty much the same{)

• Be enthusiastic.  Geez.  Seriously.  Just because your body is not there hormonally doesn’t mean you can’t get enthusiastic over making your spouse happy.
• Be creative.  Use seduction.  Talk.  You want it to be over quick? Learn to guide their emotional response while you guide their physical response.  “We are stuck in an elevator…”
• Give them something to look at.  HD spouses are generally pretty visual, which is why we often have to guard against porn and other visual stimuli.  Give us something to look at and we are halfway there.
• Don’t be patronizing.  If you have the attitude of being bored, this is another chore, or it is all for your spouse your attitude will come across loud and clear in your body language, your facial expressions, and your general attitude. Trust me, your spouse will feel worse when you are done.
• Be unexpected.  Hop in the shower or bath with us, wake us up romantically, or write us a steamy email.
• Talk dirty.  Seriously.  Driving in the car without the kids? Tell us what you would like to be doing…even if you are making it up as you go along.  We like sex.  That seems to be the problem.
• Allow us to believe that we are capable of turning you into a quivering mass of raw desire.  We like that feeling.  Since you do it to us so often it sometimes feels like we are inadequate if we can’t return the favor.
• Don;t make stupid excuses.  We can see through them.  And then we feel like you have decided we are STUPID as well as undesireable.   If you can’t focus on having sex when the house is a mess, get a hotel room for an afternoon and have your spouse meet you there.   If you have to be somewhere in an hour then use that to intensify the passion.  Think outside the bed.
• If you value your spouse then what is important to them is also important to you.  If you are busy with your own agenda, pursuing your desires, fulfilling your dreams and you are frustrated that they won’ t be enthusiastic or get involved, ask yourself if you are sowing into their life what you want to reap in yours.
• Most of all, initiate a conversation.  Generally the HD spouse is the active one, the one that generally pushes for change.  By you initiating the conversation about changing your sexual habits then it will show them that you are interested. Don;t just ask what they want, have some ideas of your own. Make sure you follow through.

I am not making excuses for the HD spouse.  There is no excuse for falling into affairs, porn, or anger and resentment.

BUT I am saying that for those of us that are high drive?  We battle with those things.  We have to make the choice the look away from people we find attractive.  We have to make the concious effort not to look at porn, We have to choose to not head to a motel with the person that has made it obvious that they find us incredibly desireable.

Those choices are sometimes hard to make.  A HD spouse is constantly battling to control physical needs..imagine being so hungry that your stomach has that gnawing feeling and then someone holds out a cupcake.  As much as we might love our spouse it is difficult to ignore that gnawing hunger sometimes. When we do, and we are feeling really empowered and strong, we head home to lavish our affections on our spouse, often to be rejected.     Then we battle to control our emotions; depression and hopelessness.  Masturbation tends to disgust the lower drive spouse.  Basically we are told, whether in words or in attitude that our needs, desires, wants…these are unimportant.  We are unimportant. Are we just sexual beings? I don’t know, maybe we are.  It is 10 in the morning, I haven’t fixed breakfast yet and I am obviously thinking about..you know… in fact, I would rather skip breakfast all together in lieu of…yeah.

At some point a HD spouse will turn to porn, an affair, divorce, or suicide if nothing changes.  Some may be strong enough in character to avoid all of the above but my guess would be that these are the minority.

Maintenance sex is worth discussing if nothing else.   Finding another name for it would good.

image: SXC