Marriage Builder Monday:Where Did “I” Go?

This week Sarah shares that she is going to do things to make her husband’s morning routine easier.

I am not sure where to go with this. I have, until lately, been wonderful about getting up and getting the morning going for everyone.  I am not wonderful about a lot of things but that is one that I have down…

or did have down.

With our lives being turned topsy turvy we are both struggling, I think, to  find equilibrium.

To go from being the traditional Mom cleans/cooks/homeschools and Dad makes money/ deals with finances/plays football with the kids to something so muddled I wonder if we can ever untangle it…well it is difficult to know where to start.

Right now, the best thing I can do …I think…is to try to be as cheerful as possible even when I feel overwhelmed and to not shrink into the self protective tornado shelter deep inside of me where I cannot be touched.

I am normally a very physical person with family, altho I am not a hug-you-at-church type.  I dislike to be touched by people I don;t know..but I have reasons for that …anyway..I notice that the more I feel responsible for keeping things going the deeper I retreat into a shell of who I am.  There are parts of me I have shoved in boxes because I can’t deal with certain things right now.

It isn’t that I am not cheerful per se, but I think I am distant.  In fact, I looked at it from a third point of view this morning (God’s) and realized that I am acting like Marc used to…not unloving but..distracted…not intimate.  Friendly but not passionate.

Sigh.  This is my struggle.  The role has changed and I have changed with it, but not in a good way.  I am efficient.  Maybe it is one of the blessings of Marc’s illness is that he can understand emotionally what I was feeling and I can understand emotionally where he was coming from.  I used to complain that he never thought about sex..but now I find that I have to intentionally bring it to mind rather than having it drift in and out of my moments.

I read what Marc writes about losing himself and I wonder if that is part of being “responsible” for income? Is this the stress that our husbands carry on their shoulders for years and that we never quite “get”? The whole time we are frustrated because they don’t act as they did in the beginning….are we sending mixed signals by our emotional need to be protected and secure?

On the one hand I want a man with smoky eyes and a passion for me that won’t be quenched and on the other I want stabilty, a house,  and a savings account.  How can the smoky eyed man do both of those things at the same time?  Is it fair to ask?

And yet, I think that women can and should be the breathless concubine…ready and waiting, oiled and perfumed, while she maintains a pleasant home and cooks gourmet meals and read Dr. Suess to the kids.

Solomon and the Shulamite achieved it…

Maybe it is easier if you are a king?

Rambling today.  Sorry.

All of that blatant verbiage to  let you knwo that I don;t know what I am going to do this week except to seek God for my direction. That is always the best place to start.