I hear you, and am in a similar situation. I love my husband dearly, but wonder soemtimes if it is that deep passionate love that comes with marriage or if it is a deep ‘friendship’ love. We don’t talk about things either… despite me best effort… until they get to the point where it is creating a rift. If we did talk about things there would never be any agreement anywyas because he is stubborn (I am not being mean I am speaking truth). We have been married 16 1/2 years, and at some point telling yourself ‘that is just the way he is’ begins to have a negative impact on your life…. he is negative, stubbron, doesn’t think the rules appply to him (our teen children have picked this up), can be self-absorbed when it comes to certain things, refuses to plan ANYTHING in our marriage, and is certainly not the leader in our family…. this, coupled with other things, is dishartening for me. And I am stuck, because I don’t believe in divorce… yet we will be an empty nest in 4 years and I am certain that if things don’t turn around one or both of us is going to be unhappy… but don’t say that to him because then he will be offended… we have NOTHING in common…. things I want to do he doesn’t want to try, things he is into I want no part of because of the irresponsible bs that is associated with it.

I am far from perfect myself, but I recognize things and work on myself… I have goals for myself…. his goal is getting out of bed, going to work, coming home, having dinner and watching tv while he eats his ice cream. He refuses to take care of himself… he doesn’t execise, he smokes, he over eats, he has a beer belly, at one time had high cholesteral, doesn’t get phsicals, talks about going ing exercise but doesn’t… etc. and if he has goals hopes and dreams for the future I never hear them…

To the poster who said to “Start with you” I did that I am working on me but because he refuses to make long term permenant changes the gap between our differences widens!! I am perfectly okay continuing working on me… God is not finished with me yet. I have tried to work together on our marriage and do or take marriage enrichment courses, etc…. it is obviously not important to him because he finds excuses not to or complains about it and then I back down because how can you put your heart into something when you know the other person is only doing it to ‘make you happy’ I don’t want you to do it to make me happy, I want you to do it because you want to see our marriage work and flourish!

We are unequally yoked, and that bothers me…. it bothers me because it is another example of how we are really growing apart… I don’t feel held back but I feel truly alone, as my kids don’t really follow either… despite my encouragement. He continues to use the same old excuse that his parents forced him as a child… it is a lame excuse, especially given all his siblings were forced as children… yet they are still believers…. the only thing we do agree on is that we don’t agree with thier religion and don’t agree for the same reasons. He takes no leadership in h our family and as such that task among others is left for me to handle, as have the kids, the housework, vacations, correspondence with his family, the burdens of his business, his books, the bills, etc…. every now and again he pipes in to ask if I have done something… this makes me VERY angry and I get defensive because I don’t feel as though I need to address the question when that is his only involvement, is asking me if I did it.

I am expected to bendover backwards to help him and the kids… yet I can’t count on him to do something for me…. I went out last night to help my friend celebrate her stagette, I asked him to drop me off at stop #1 then pick me up later… he was hanging with his buddy and they already had a drink before dropping me off and I KNEW that he would be in no shape to come pick me up…. so we took a cab…. I was CORRECT in my assumption, I arrived home and they had been sitting there chit chatting gabbing the whole evening… I planned with him a week earlier to drive me and pick me up…. and he did not have the courteousy to remain sober to follow through… it was all about HIM, he didn’t even have the respect to give me one night out… he made it about him again. But if I bring it up guess what I will get “I’m sorry, but so and so was there and blh blah blah” same old line of BS that has no meaning because it doesn’t change and places the blame on someone else not himself.

He has NEVER ever made an effort to know or be around my family willingly… my family is not important to him and we have not spent near as much time with my family as we have with his… I 100% embrace his family he distances himself from mine.

My opinion and concerns don’t matter it is met with the response “it will be fine”

So yes, we have overcome MANY obstacles in 16 1/2 years these are some that we have NEVER been able to overcome, and nor do I see that we ever will…. so it has to come to a decision for me… stay or go! I love him but over the next 4 years I neeed to make a choice, and today I am being faithful that over the next 4 years things will change…. but I am also on guard that if they don’t I am ready to bail… emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally ready to bail.

Marye one can only do so much on their own to change the marriage… but when it is not reciprocated by the other partner it becomes draining, exhusting and hopeless. Though i do preach that you do need to work hard, I have and have not reaped the benefits in the key areas.

Thanks I needed to vent.

Oh. God. Please. Did it ever occur to you perhaps that some people are mature enough to know they shouldn’t take on commitments they are not ready for yet…? Marriage only makes sense if each person marries the perfect person for them at the correct time for both of them.

Most people get married for all the wrong reasons. Because they want to get out of their Parent’s home. Because they want to have kids. Because all their friends are doing it. Because it is the ‘adult’ thing to do. Because they can’t wait any longer to have sex. Because everyone else expects them to.

Guess what? When your kids are gone, when your friends are gone, when your Parents are out of the way, when you realize other people’s opinions don’t matter anyway, when you no longer have sex drive, when ‘maturity’ is better defined as ‘old age’… all you have left is each other. Yes, roommates. If that isn’t enough to start a marriage it won’t be enough to keep one going.

Not realizing and accepting these facts leads to resentment, abuse, infidelity, separation, divorce, serial marriage, blended families and all the other situations you apparently despise. It is immature to ignore those realities and blindly march into a marriage due to pressure from outside sources. There is nothing selfish or immature about making a commitment to insure you are ready, willing and able to form a marital bond without regret or limitation.

Met the love of your life? Congratulations! This is a person who knows what your hopes and dreams are and will applaud you for your efforts to achieve them. This is a person who will help you achieve your goals without either pushing or pulling you in another direction. This is a person whom you will in turn be grateful to reciprocate with identical support in all their endeavors. This is a person who will still be there for you at 30. This is a person who will still be there for you at 100. They will be there for you because they love you too.

Toyoniya Hiyaku, Noromuoy!

Red Ronin, The Cybernetic Samurai

Skip forward, child is born – and she moves in with a new boyfriend. Moving from Texas. to Washington state to follow him. She marries husband #2 and that lasts for about 2 years and ended because during the marriage while husband #2 is stationed in Japan (in military), my sister gets pregnant. Guess what? – it’s not hubby’s handywork. So, shortly thereafter comes another divorce followed by a quickie marriage to husband #3 (the father of the bun in the oven). Miraculously, that marriage lasts about 6 years after which, she returns to Texas with both kids in tow, brand new breast implants and another divorce.

Follow this by several live-in boyfriends (the biker, the oil rig worker, the electrician) and wait – another marriage. This time to an alcoholic cowboy – looks like a damn slim jim. Oh, but it gets better – he moves them all out to the country to a house in which he keeps loaded guns laying around the house. He doesn’t allow my sister to have any money, nor does he allow her to work. Obviously, that doesn’t last long. Married and divorced in approximately 6 months.

So, now my sister is living with another boyfriend – this one offered me some bourbon at 10am while I was visiting and wanted to know why I don’t visit more often. Seriously.

All that to say, your serial divorcer pales in comparison to my sister – she borrows money from family and doesn’t pay it back, creates drama and exposes her children to it and doesn’t think a thing wrong with it.

Wow. boy did that feel good to get off my chest. I don’t think I’ve ever really let all that out. Thanks.