Marriage Fitness 4
October 17, 2007 by Bald Man
Filed under Relationships
Let’s begin looking at each the of the Marriage Fitness
Love = Time
The foundation of Fertel’s approach isn’t based on communication skills or conflict resolution tips, its based on the proactive expression of love by one spouse for the other, and for Fertel love is expressed first and foremost in time. The time spent with your spouse directly correlates with the importance you place on your marriage. The chapter has a self-assessment designed to measure the importance you place on your marriage as expressed in time. The exercises within the chapter are focused on creating a rhythm of interaction and that puts you and your spouse together more. (Spending more time with your spouse comes up again in Step #3.)
I think Fertel is really onto something here. We have one basic commodity in life, time. Each day we chose to exchange that time for something else: sleep, cleanliness, nutrients, money, etc. We can also give our time to another; that is we can spend our time expressing love.
Here’s the catch in our technologically advanced world. Often we can invest our time into tools or programs that will continue to work for us after we have physically left them. In this way they give us more time, in a sense the ability to be in two (or more) places at once. But, relationships defy this conversion. Love cannot be expressed by proxy. I can work remotely and expand my productivity by leveraging automated computer scripts, but I cannot love Kerri remotely or spend more time with her without actually spending more time with her. Phone calls, IM, love notes; while perhaps important and beneficial, they cannot replace time spent in one another’s physical presence.
image: clock
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I totally agree! Time is what makes any relationship. The amount of yourself you give to a relationship is what is most important!
Definitely interesting and relevant. Our living situation (Keith’s inability to drive due to a brain tumor) requires that he live during the week near his job, and that job is always temporary since he is a self-employed consultant, but our relationship does do much better when we are devoting the time we do have together in ways that show we value the relationship and enjoy our time together.
I like the idea of time as our basic commodity. So often people seem to think that money is more important.
Even though our energy is usually sapped by the end of the day, my husband and I make a point of spending at least 1 hour together alone every night (even if t is just to watch the news!)
Absolutely! I notice a difference in how hubbie and I interact/relate/talk to each other when we haven’t been spending enough time together. We both feel drained and it’s so important to put our relationship first because we have a little one who needs mommy and daddy to love each other so they can pour out all that love on him!
It stinks that so often are brains simply do shuffle relationships under the rug without us even noticing.
I agree. I think the more you can be together the better. I have friends who are together all the time they even work together. They say it is great and she wouldn’t have it any other way
Everyone has great comments. Great post, makes you think about the way you spend your time. If you don’t take time for your spouse, you start to lose touch.
I just read Jerry Seinfeld said everyone is a beginner at marriage until 10 years into it. Unfortunately most divorces happen before the 5th year.
Time is good because it gives us an opportunity to look back on our relationship patterns. If we see the pattern we can see what works and what doesn’t.