Maybe I’m Unlovable
December 15, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I have an online dating profile over at Match.com. I’m not officially “single,” but when my boyfriend refuses to answer the phone or an email, for weeks at a time I no longer consider myself committed. This has been going on, off and on, for a year now. If my boyfriend decides to pull it together, where I am concerned, then I feel that our relationship is salvageable, but for now, I’m open to meeting someone new.
Unfortunately, my profile is generating little or no interest. I do hear (rarely) from men who are 10-15 years older than me, but I don’t feel I am at the same place in my life as they are. At this point, I wouldn’t even mind hearing form some of the bozos Lara has had to deal with lately - at least it would mean I’m not invisible.
I read some of Russ’s posts on what to and not to do in terms of profiles. I went in this weekend and I added more of my personality to my intro – doing away with generalities like, “I’m up for anything.” I had Bay, my teenager, look at my profile and photos. She hit me with her brutal honesty, which actually was not brutal at all. She suggested that I switch up my main profile photo to one where I’m smiling.
I think that it’s a good idea to switch the main photo periodically. I see many of the same men, with the same profile photos, from 3 years ago – the last time I was Match.com-ing it. Have these men been single this whole time?
A few of my girlfriends have mentioned that they are also getting fewer than normal responses. If you are using an online service, I’d be interested in hearing how it’s going for you. I read that more people are subscribing to online services in these challenging economic times. Are they subscribing, but not dating? What is the point of that? Save your money, guys.
If you’ve had a profile up for a few months, I suggest you do the same thing I did this weekend - change up your photo, maybe add some new shots. Change your list of favorites or hobbies to something that reflects the season more, if you’ve got a lot of Summer activities listed. Rewrite your intro, so it sounds fresh and reflects more of the real you.
Then, please let me know if this makes a difference in your responses or lack of responses. I’m curious if this is seasonal thing or regional or…..I’m just very curious and hoping it does not mean that I’m unlovable.
I’ve had one guy e-mail me in about a month of being on match.com and that just happened this weekend. Online dating is great when it works, but it is admittedly hard not to feel rejected when you’re having no luck.
Heather, maybe they spent all their money on the subscription and now they can’t afford a cup of coffee? ;D
Is the guy who emailed you cute? Does he sound interesting?
Well, I was kind of excited about this guy for a day, and then there was just something about his e-mails (and the fact that he was so gung-ho about talking on the phone) that caused me to get sort of freaked out about the whole thing. I’m trying to stop freaking out and just give the phone a shot, but I haven’t heard back from him since I gave him my phone number, so I don’t know what’s going to happen.
You’ve got some great tips! I’m glad that Bay encouraged you to post a pic of you smiling. That’s SO imporant and gives a much better first impression. Remember about smiling at strangers? Same holds true for photos.
Maybe the seemingly lack of interest has something to do with the season/time of year. Some guys may be worried that they’ll be expected to participate (in some way that maybe they’re not too comfortable with) in holiday activities or gift exchanging. You never know. But in any event, don’t give up…’cause you’re awesome and one day someone is bound to figure that out!
Heather, do you tense up every time the phone rings now? ;D That’s what I do after the number exchange. Try to ride out the freak-out. You aren’t looking him in the face yet – something you will handle when the time comes – just talking on the phone. You can hang up if you don’t like him.
You have a nice voice, by the way, I’ve heard it in your voice posts.
Thank you, Leah. I hadn’t thought of that.
I would suggest to all women who are dating to read the book entitled The Rules by Ellen Fein. I swear it is true how men and women behave. I found myself making excuses for different things that have occurred in my dating experience the last few years and it always comes back to alot of what the author has to say in her book. Online dating I think is not what it is cracked up to be either.
I’m not good with rules, Jackie, as you know.
I am a good girl, but some part of me always wants to do something crazy – act in some way against the rules. Any rules. I’m a rebel.
No I’m kidding. I’m a cupcake. (And now I am hungry. Darn.)
I do understand your point and I’ve noticed, in my 42 years, a pattern of behavior for both men and women, so I think The Rules could benefit many people.
I try some of the rules. I want to keep my independence, I don’t want to chase anybody, but I worry that if I’m rigid, I might miss out on something special.
That said, I gave my daughter some advice today that was very
rule-y. Hhmmm that gives me an idea for a post……..