Miscellaneous ramblings of a frustrated heart
October 25, 2008 by Lara Kulpa
Filed under Relationships
Image by Shutterhack via FlickrSometimes I seriously do just want to throw in the towel on the whole dating thing.
Other times, I find myself thinking, “Dammit, I deserve to be in love.”
Then I think, “Well, you’ve been in love, Lara. It’s never been anything but awful in return. Why bother?”
Sometimes I hate how other people who really don’t deserve to be happy, are.
Other times I feel like maybe their happiness is God’s way of making them be less like a piece of total poo in life. It’s handed to them for inspiration, for change, for growth.
Maybe I’m seriously okay where I am, with who I am. How is that possibly a bad thing? I thought that the best relationships came from two people who were completely comfortable in their own skins (metaphorically speaking, and physically speaking). I thought that even though I’m not “the perfect woman” that someday some less-than-perfect-guy would find me, and we could be perfect for each other.
I know, I’m rambling. It’s 630 in the morning, I’ve been up for over 2 hours for some reason (I think I’m coming down with a cold) and my brain is just full of mixed up emotions.
Add to that, I’ve discovered that it’s possible my ex has a new girlfriend. He’s the biggest prick on the planet, and he’s got a new girlfriend. From what I hear, she’s a sweetheart, too. Like, really a genuinely nice person. Part of me thinks, “Oh shit, he’s going to ruin another good woman,” and the other part of me thinks, “What if she’s the one who changes him? What if she succeeds in proving to him that love is worth it, when I couldn’t do that? What would that say about me? Would it prove I’m not worth it?”
Just major amounts of emotions going through me, and before you start thinking that I’m not over my ex, believe me, I totally am. I wouldn’t take him back if he really DID make a 180. But I don’t know if I’m over all that he did to me… all that I allowed to go down in our relationship. Oh, and the fact that our would-have-been-a-year-anniversary was two days ago means nothing.
Really.
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I hope you are feeling better this evening, that you get some better rest tonight. A good nights sleep can do wonders.
I understand your frustration. This guy finding someone else, it doesn’t take anything from you. He’s still Mr. Wrong for you. Whatever happens between them – it has nothing to do with you and the goals you’ve set for your own life.
Men seem to bounce back quicker. I don’t know why that is. I noticed it in my divorce and in my friend’s divorces. I’ve noticed it with dating friends, too. It seems as if dating is somehow easier for guys, like there’s always someone waiting in the wings. I could have it all wrong and if there are guys out there that feel that way, please comment with your perspective – I’m always open to another point of view, I never feel that I have all the answers.
You were unhappy with this guy. He treated you horribly, he had that weird internet perv thing going on – you are glad that you do not have him anymore, as you’ve said. His finding someone else before you do, it does not make him the winner and you the loser. You were a bad fit – period.
You WILL find someone who IS a GOOD fit. I don’t know when it will happen, but I absolutely believe that it will happen. It may take awhile, but you know that saying about good things coming to those who wait, right? The waiting, that’s not a lot of fun, though.
In the meantime, do what you’ve been doing. Build your business, spend time with good friends, greet yourself with “Good morning beautiful!” in the mirror every day – you know the usual.
And if it doesn’t happen today, then renew your goals at bedtime, wake up and try it again the next day. Keep believing that it WILL happen and if you feel down, let me know and I will do my best to remind you how great you are (and you are!!).
I love you, Michelle…
Thank you.
It’s crazy how these emotions hit when you least expect it, isn’t it? (Or at least, that’s how it happens for me.) I’ve found myself feeling some similar emotions at random times this weekend. Going along perfectly fine, happy with my life, excited even. And then I am hit with some sort of memory of my relationship which ended two months ago, and end up feeling none-too-good about myself until I manage to talk myself out of it.
And as one who sees her ex once every week, I keep hoping this week won’t be the week I discover he’s found a new girl. Why I assume he will find someone new first, I don’t know. But I do. I assume he will be the one to completely bounce back faster.
Thanks for sharing, Heather. Fortunately, I don’t have to see him. Though he lives in the same city as my mother, and the temptation to do a pathetic drive-by is always there (though I never have the balls to do it, for a multitude of reasons, one being that my car is pretty distinctive, but also because I just refuse to allow myself to be that weak).
I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I had to see him. I’ve had thoughts while out in places he and I used to go, that “Oh God, what if he shows up…” feeling, but fortunately I’ve been spared.
I shouldn’t be surprised that my ex found a new girl. The greater part of our relationship was spent with him trying to exert his “freedom to see who he wants when he wants” including his ex, and the final breakup was because he didn’t want to be committed to me and only me.
I’ve gone out on a few dates, and they’ve been nice guys, but we weren’t a good fit. I always thought that if and when the time were to come that I would run into him somewhere, I’d hopefully be with a guy who was hotter than him. LOL
Even if this girl is successful in changing your ex, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change someone unless they are ready to change.
~ Kristi