Money and Sex: Top Reasons for Divorce Part 1

I think that it would probably be the LACK of money and the LACK of sex that cause the problems.  Anyway, in this year of the plethora of economic woes you will see three words in the same sentence more and more:money, sex, divorce.

When it relates to other people and other marriages it does little more than make us shake our heads and “tsk..tsk…tsk” but when it is our marriage…well…that is different.

These seem to be two areas where couples have trouble coming to an agreement, a middle ground, or at least a ceasefire.

I think it is because of power.  Sex can be used as leverage to get the higher drive partner to be more manageable.  I don’t necessarily think that you have to be aware that you are doing it, though.  I think in many cases it is below the conciousness level.

As I said in a comment to David on another post, I am odd in that my thought pattern and responses tend to be male although I am definitely all female.  I see women especially (all though men do it too) using sex as a tool to control their mate.

• If your spouse begs for sex then there is a problem and you are at least 50 % of it.
• If your spouse masturbates out of need for sexual release rather than out of recreation there is a problem and you are at least 50% of it.
• If you think your spouse is oversexed, if you have a superior attitude because you don’t “need it” as much, then you have a problem and it is not theirs.
• If you know that your spouse is struggling sexually and you don’t take positive action then if they have an affair, although they are wrong to do so, you are at least 50% responsible for it

Harsh, huh?

A spouse should not feel that they have to be good, jump through hoops, or align the heavenlies just right in order to have a physical, emotional, and spiritual need met.

Just as much as too much pressure for sex is abusive, denying the sexual needs of your spouse is abuse.  Personally, I would like to see every person that doesn’t see sex as a valid need be forced to go without food for as long as they force their spouse to go without sex.

Harsh? Yep.

By the same token, if you are making love 2 or more times a week you should not be pressuring your spouse for more.

The point is that we tend to feel like our priorities are the correct ones.  It is all about us and our feelings.  Other people are secondary…and in marriage our spouse’s needs should come first unless they put their own needs first… When that happens the giving spouse can become an enabler and a martyr and that isn’t healthy for the marriage.

So if you see this pattern happening what do you do?

Please note: I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on T.V. …I am only someone who is overly analytical and has read ALOT of books and talked to ALOT of people candidly about their issues.

For the high drive partner:

• You have to break the pattern.  It may take you backing off and using masturbation to keep yourself comfortable while you work this out.  More pressure on your part is not going to solve the problem.
• Ask yourself what your least amount of sexual activity could be.  Two times a week? Four? Is there a way you can find a middle ground with your mate?
• If you need release a minimum of 4 times a week and their top amount is 2, would they be willing to hold you while you masturbate, or to use another method besides intercourse to “get there’?
• Don’t beg.  You will lose self respect.
• Stay away from situations that are risky for you.  And keep your mate as the main character in your fantasies.  Anything else will lead to more trouble than you all ready have.
• Be humble enough to ask if there is anything you need to do differently.

For the low drive spouse:

• Understand the for most healthy people sex is a need, a very real one.  Lack of release can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, spiritual issues, and physical pain.  This is not only for men.  There are women that experience severe pain when they have not had release in a period of time.  This is the one thing your spouse can only get from you.
• Be willing to talk and communicate about your own needs and what you are willing to do in the way of compromise.  If you spouse needs sex 10 times a week and you are only willing to give it up once a month that is not compromise.  That is cruelty.
• I find that most low drive spouses are bothered by the idea that their high drive spouse masturbates.  They should not have to sneak off to the bathroom for release.  Give them  permission to do what you are unable to and at least become an active part of the process.
• Never sneer or make light of their needs or tease them about it.  This is a very intimate area and deep wounds are hard to fix.

Again, communication, real communication coupled with action is the key to working through. Be willing to do one thing to show each other that you are actively working on the problem together.  If sex used to be good but has become a problem then talk about it and see if you can figure out what the change is.

Tomorrow…..Money.

image:SXC