Money and Sex, Top Reason’s for Divorce, Part 2

Sex isn’t the only way people control their mates.  Money is the other big control issue I think.  I know that psychologists say that there are other issues, in-laws, discipline of children, etc. ..but I would venture a guess that these are secondary to either the sex or money (or both) issues that are going on in a marriage.

In fact, I think that lack of sex may often the result of one of the primary wage earner not being upfront about the money…

Just like I think that it is primarily women who withhold sex as a control issue from their husbands, I think that men use money to control thier wives, as a general rule.  It can turn into a vicious cycle.

Thing is, no one is going to have the exact same view on how money is spent.  There is always a cheap spouse and an extravagant spouse.  I am the cheap one in our family.  Not only can I make a penny stretch, I can make it jump through hoops, and do the tango.

It isn’t that I am stingy, I just prefer to wait to buy things until I can pay cash and any necessary expenses are paid.  That was how I was raised.  Save 10 percent, give ten percent to charity, pay your bills and enjoy the excess.  But enjoying the excess never happened until the rest of the list was taken care of. Growing up, it always was.

There are people who spend money unwisely.  Rather than waiting, holding off on a purchase that is unnecessary they feel they must have what they want RIght Now. Thing is, there is always the next thing.  There are lots of cool purchases out there and the advertisers are going to make sure you know it!

The problem comes in, I think, when you have a nonspender, married to a spender and the nonspender continually gives up things to save money…which the spender then spends.  Not that they intentionally do it mind you.   It is a matter of the spender not thinking things through because they have the want it right now mentality.

So the nonspender reigns in the money tighter…the spender gets frustrated and begins spending secretly…and you have a massive problem that could have been resolved early on with communication, honesty, and a willingness to compromise.

I know of a woman who has created so much financial havoc in her home with her secret spending and charging that the family lost their house to foreclosure.  I know a woman who feels that divorce might be the only answer to make sure that she doesn’t lose anymore security because her husband is addicted to things.

The problem is serious, and like sexual issues, really isn’t talked about seriously enough or often enough.

If you are lousy with money then there are a ton of books and classes on how to be good with money.  It isn’t a talent, it is a learned ability.  The Financial Peace Seminar by Dave Ramsey (you can get it at amazon) is the best I have read, followed by Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  In fact, I am going to be redoing the shopping guide in the side bar and will add those in there in a day or so.  If you are going to buy them, use my links, please .

If you have money issues in your marriage here are somethings you can do:

1. Talk, with a willingness to really listen to the other point of view
2. If you have lied or been deceptive about money, how much you make, or how much you spend, you need to repent and admit it and ask forgiveness.  Lying and hiding your actions is a pretty clear cut sign of addiction whether you are lying about booze, drugs, sex, or money.
3. Be willing to be accountable to someone besides your spouse about your spending.  Making your spouse control you or oversee what you do will add responsibility to them that will make things just weird.  Don;t turn your husband into your dad or your wife into your mom.  Put your grown up panties on and get real.
4. Agree on a budget.
5. Don’t spend what you don’t have.
6. If you don;t have a savings account you don’t have any business taking a vacation to the Bahamas.
7. Create a common goal.  If both of you are working together toward the same goal, the spender-spouse will be less likely to spend money unnecessarily.
8. Lying is never ever ever cool.  If you find yourself in a lie then there is a problem.  Stop right there are figure out what the problem is.
9. Don;t expect to agree all the time.
10. If there is anyway you can each have a set amount ot play with every pay check that will help.  If both of you have 25 dollars a paycheck then the spender-spouse can blow it on whatever and the saver-spouse can tuck it away for something special or security.  IF you do this the only way it will work is if the spender-spouse agrees that the allowance is the only money he/she does not have to give account of.  He/she can’t spend the allowance and then go buy something else with the savings or the credit card or what-have-you.  AND if there is a financial crisis the saving spouse should not lose his savings to the crisis.  Read Aesop’s Grasshopper and Ant story.

Financial issues can be worked through if both spouses are willing to try, to work, to be honest, and to partner in the solution.

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