Today has been kind of a bummer.
I have two friends whose fathers are dying as I write this.
I guess I need to review what I learned from other people when my own mother died (hmm, seems like I’ve said my mother died “last year” forever, but, now I have to say she “died in 2006″. Weird.).
And fire up the deviled eggs.
[...] the risk of getting hung up on people whose parents have died, I wanted to point you to my friend, Jenn’s, powerful entry about her own journey on the [...]
[...] my question today is, have you experienced the death of a parent, and if so, do you feel as if you’ve passed over into a new phase of life? They say that one [...]
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My parents died quite young so I’ve been without parents for a very long time. In fact, even now, at age 49, I am still the rare person among my friends with no parents. Most eveyrone I know still has one or both parents!
I guess the one thing worse (or just as bad as) than having your parents die is having all your friends and contemporaries die, too. My mom noted that her Christmas-card list is dwindling dramatically every year. This year she sent hers out and just got an envelope back from our close neighbors (I was good friends with their daughter) with a return address of Floriday. I was all excited and said, Look Ma, the Ws must have retired to Florida! Instead it was a letter from their daughter in law describing sadly how both of them, the Mr and Mrs, had died in 2007. It was a huge blow to my mother and all I could do was sit here and be sad with her.
It’s hard getting old.
Both of my wife’s parents are dead, while both of mine are still with us. The two of us had very different Christmas experiences and I must confess to not being able to relate to hers. My parents came from out of town and spent the holiday here and it was great, though rather guiltily I must say it was nice when the house was “ours” again. My day is coming, I know and I wonder how I will handle it. My wife had a few tears, but mostly, she was the epitome of grace, kindness and cheer. I am blessed and I love her. Steve Kirk is author of the website, http://www.theperfectsense.com.
An only child, I was 51; my parents were 80 and died a week apart.
We weren’t even very close but it was a very tough time. The first year was just brutal.
I am so different afterward I almost feel like another person. I’m much less erratic and much more practical, as well as much less likely to stay in unsatisfying situations (job, marriage) or, conversely, to leave for greener pastures on a whim. Focus and sanity have moved in to stay.
My parents were not happy and stuck out their marriage, their lifestyle and their city, just as you were once supposed to do. The sad waste of that is something I’ll never forget.
My father recently passed away down in Florida where he and my Mom had retired to about 25 years ago. My Mom passed away back in 1999. She had Lymphatic cancer for about 10 years before succumbing to it finally. That was tough on my Father as well as my sister and I. My Dad found a girlfriend (Thank God) and had a happy lifestyle for the most part for the past 6 years. But, his various maladies caught up with him. His passing has been tougher due to the fact my sister and I (along with the assistance of a cousin who is retired and lives in Florida) had to get through the funeral (which was up here the day after the big snowstorm in December) “on our own” so to speak. There were various relatives and friends of my Dad’s as well a colleague (he was a Veterinarian for over 40 years). I felt I owed it to my Father to write and read a euology for him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. But, to answer the question posed here; yes, I do feel my life had changed in a subtle but rather big way. I don’t feel like the ‘kid” anymore. Not that I hadn’t been an adult prior to my Dad’s passing. It just makes you realize your own mortality and place in this world more poigniently than before. Many of their contemporaries have passed away as well. Many of them cherished aunts or uncles. It is a somewhat lonely feeling to be honest. But, one relies on loved ones and friends to get through it.
I once saw a letter from - I think- Winston Churchill’s mother, in which she spoke of the loss of ones last parent as “becoming an orphan” no matter how old you are. My parents died 8 years apart. My dad’s death was tough - because it was the first, because my sons had to learn to deal with the loss; it took the older one almost a whole day to decide to attend the funeral. There were big comforts though. My dad had had serious cardiac and hypertensive diseases and only exceptional medical care had kept him with us for so long. So we had been blessed to have him, which made the loss easier.
My mother, however, declined slowly in ways she would have hated. I am still haunted by that period and prefer not to write about it because my sisters are more private and my mom kept her own life so “within the family.”
I think about them both every day, am grateful for the annual rituals Judaism provides to light memorial candles and saw special prayers of remembrance.
I am 44 and both of my parents have been gone for several years and yet at times I totally feel like an orphan. I am the only one of my friends whose parents are both deceased. My husband’s mother is 88 and in a nursing home in RI. What makes me the saddest, however, is not for myself, but for my 6-year-old son who is growing up without grandparents. All of my childhood and most of my adult life I had my grandparents, and it was absolutely wonderful. Oh well, I guess what you don’t have you don’t miss, but I miss it for him.
My mom died when I was 48 (she was 72) and my dad died the next year (he was 75.) Although it’s been ten years, I still think of them both every day. Without their little peccadilloes to deal with on a regular basis, I am able to appreciate them more. I think they were blessed to die both die suddenly, and while they were still in good health, although that made it more traumatic for those left behind. I see women helping their elderly parents with shopping, doctor’s appointments, etc. and think “I’ll never get to do that.” But I also think, “I’ll never HAVE to do that.” When they died it changed me.
I am also a only child who lost both of my parents too young, my mom was 54 and my dad 58. They died less than two years apart. This is so very new to me. Dad hasnt been gone for a month yet, however orphan is exactly how I feel. Just glad to know that others feel the same way. God will help me through this, just lonely.
This is a great sight…glad I found it.
My mother was 55 when she passed away after 9 months of chemo & radiation, as a result of cancer of the bile duct. My father was 70 when he passed away of a massive heart attack. I am now 45, single and have no children. Feeling like an orphan about covers it. We were a very close family with an huge extended family, but up north. We were in Florida. My brother is an hour away, however, he has 3 daughters, wife & job. So I hang out with them on weekends. It is very tough. My parents were always very supportive in everything we did, but also would not hesitate of let us know if we were out of line or on the wrong path. It is very hard to lose that foundation, constant support, no matter what was going on. Not quite sure where to get that now. I do have a small group of friends who have been there every step of the way. But, it’s not the same. I often say it feels like someone has taken a rug and pulled it right out from under me. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck. My brother’s life is forever changing, with a 17 year old daughter, and 14 year old twins, life is always on the move for him. He has something else to fill the voids, a connection to someone. Not being married, or even in a relationship at this time, and not having kids, I feel has a huge impact on my growing & moving on.
I’ll keep watching this sight for more input & ideas on all of this. Thanks so much.
Hey guys. My name is Mandy and I’m new. I was wondering if anyone here has been put in a situation where they currently are raising their siblings, due to parental loss. Or even raising younger nieces/nephews. Are there any sort of resources or support groups for people put in this situation? Thank you.
My father died of a heart attack on Dec 1st. I am 44 yrs old but my devastation is absolute. I loved him so much. I feel like a 12 yr old crying for my Daddy. I don’t have any idea how to deal with this much pain…and run a business, be functional in my family, etc. I know my comments aren’t of value to anyone but it makes me feel better just to put them out there. Thanks.
Kares-
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I can hear how special he was, in your writing.
Your comments are most certainly of value to this blog. I truly hear the loss you feel, and it helps me realize how important this time is that I have left with my mother.
Thank you so much for sharing with us, and please do not hesitate to post again.
I will be thinking of you, Kares, and hope you find some measure of comfort in the memories of your dad’s love.
Warmly,
Amy