My Basic Flaw Has Always Been Dependence
April 25, 2008 by Mark
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
And I’ll waver in and out of it, dammit, because I have basic human instincts…
As I do so often – from “The Language of the Heart”
“My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like.”
It’s that “and the like” stuff that gets me! Bill doesn’t talk about love, affection, attention, a feeling of worthiness, a feeling of being needed, in this area. “And the like.” He does speak of depression, which I am subject to on and off, depending on my spiritual condition and my self-esteem.
“Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought them for years. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”
I remain ever grateful for some strange things like – getting divorced (at this moment, this wasn’t true yesterday). Driven to seeking help due to Twelve Steps I learned something about me and I’m thankful I learned it! My brain perceives things differently than I do! Yeah, I know, that can’t be, eh? Well, if you’re an alky like me you know for certain that the look on a particular person’s face will tell you they hate you, don’t want to be near you, think lowly of you etc. etc. Doesn’t mean that’s what they’re thinking! Just means that’s what I think they’re thinking! And when I think that’s what they’re thinking my brain perceives that as rejection! Not quite what Bill speaks of but it’s close enough for me…
“Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.”
It becomes exhausting. Very, very tiring to exert every ounce so many times, making small progress – but making progress!
“Then only could I be free to love as (St.) Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life.”
And – God will reveal to me the appropriateness of each relationship.
