My rules were not made to be broken
Last night, two of my kids wanted to attend the varsity football game. I didn’t have a problem with it really. After all they would be just up the road, inside a fenced in field with plenty of school officials around, right?
My only rule when dropping them off to attend the game was to STAY inside the fence. Do not leave the football field whatsoever. They were to call me when the game was over.
The one who knows how pissy I can become when my rules are broken, obeyed them. The other seemed to have no problem changing my rule because he was having fun.
When I arrived at the school to pick them up, one of them had left the football field and had walked quite a distance with a bunch of girls to fetch something one had left somewhere. UGH!
I phoned this disobeying one and asked where he was. He responded with, “I went with my friend, she forgot something.”
My response – “That’s not your responsibility.”
When he got in the car, he chuckled with an “I’m sorry, I was just having too much fun.”
When he realized how fumed I was, he changed his tune and said “he had no choice that he was dragged.”
I don’t buy it. I snapped.
I told him he already “blew that defense when he got in the car laughing and saying he was having too much fun.”
Knowing if I didn’t pass the torch to someone else, I’d probably strangle him, I sent my husband a text message and informed him of the crime and told him to deal with it – I was far to angry.
I’m still fuming a bit but need to come up with something that will teach this kid a lesson.
Short story – we recently had a murder locally – first in 25 years. The killer is still on the lose and that just creeps me out a bit. I want to know where my kids are, what they are doing and that they are safe.
I’m SO not doing this parenting teens BS very well.
I’m trying to devise a punishment that will work. He doesn’t mind the punishments I’ve handed out thus far and is full of the “I don’t care” or “I didn’t want to do this or that anyway.”
Ideas? How exactly do you punish a kid who doesn’t mind being punished?
*Insert eardrum popping scream here*
No more sporting events this year? That’s what my mom would have done.
May I saw a woman after my own heart!
The punishment has to depend on what’s really important to him. The way I see it – he’s taken something that was important to you (His safety and the rule to stay in-bounds – FOR his safety) and spit all over it. He didn’t care about what was important to YOU – which was also in his best interest. And that’s understandable because teen’s brains aren’t done growing and all that.
SO – you have to take something that’s important to him — some freedom, maybe – I don’t know, only you know. And show blatant disregard for that. He would have to earn that regard back.
I do the “Shut your world down” method because those are usually the real-life consequences of disobeying something. Mine is only 8 – so I can’t even imagine what you are going through.
Good luck.
I would be fuming too. My only suggestion is that you have to find out what your leverage is with him.
Maybe instead of taking something away you could have him do something. What would he really dislike having to do? Clean out the garage, weeding the garden, writing an article about staying safe with a murderer on the loose for the local paper.
Hope that helps.
AS much as you can always make the crime the punishment…
so he walked to retrieve something? Maybe he can be the official go fer at the house for a few days since he loves doing errands for people…
Don;t know you home life well enough to know how this might fit in…..
Well, thats tough. I personally have found out that each kid is defferent. And being a child of seven siblings and having 15 nephews and neices plus two kids of my own – i learned that the best way to punish a child is to know exactly where to hurt’em [ meaning what would effect them most]. find that thing they just can’t live without and take it from them.
I have an 11 yr old who understands the rules and lives in them… i have a four yr old who already has proven to be the rouge in the family.
Bill
yuthink.blogspot.com
I am the parent of a teen girl and if I want to give her a punishment that actually makes an impression, I use her cell phone (built-in time limits she can use it), her computer (off-limits), or her ability to leave the house (ack! no fun!). She hates having her freedom messed with and it makes a big impression.
I think that handing it over to your husband when you were in the heat of it was a very wise choice. Sometimes I have to do that. I have to take a step back and cool off, because things have to be handled carefully. I want the focus to be on her behavior and not my reaction, because then, no matter what happened, I turn into the “bitch” – at least as far as she is concerned.
You know what came to mind as I was reading the comments? Tagging along with him everywhere he goes for a while.
With my 7 year old, I usually not let him do the things he wants to do for a while. And the reason I tell him is, “You haven’t shown you can responsible when you’re doing that so you don’t get to do it anymore.”
My best friend has a 17 year old and it always cracks me up that our issues and arguments with our children practically mirror each other even though they are ten years apart in age.
Hope you figure something out!
I think you were a bit tough as it is. Sometimes your tone can cause kids to tune you out. I think along with a suitable punishment, you also need to follow up with a conversation that specifically talks about the behavior you are having a hard time with. sometimes the tone of voice and respect given is what causes a teen to be alert. Simply sitting him down alone in a quiet place can get his attention, letting him know that you are serious about what yours saying. No Yelling and definately not in front of other siblings/friends/people. Just you and him…one on one… Quite possibly there is something bothering him that he will let out as well. Be sure to allow him to talk about his behavior. Ask him why he chooses to make the decisisions he’s made.. Maybe there’s something hurting inside that he’s not able to share because you’re just yelling about his breaking the rules..
I’m SO not doing this parenting teens BS very well”
It sounds like you’re concerned and informed and keeping up with them instead of assuming they’re okay..it sounds like you’re doing it well to me.
Hmmmmmmmmm. I think maybe you could let him pick his own punishment. Sometimes they are harder on themselves than we are. I don’t know if this was as big an offense as you are making it out to be. Life is short.
OH! I love Marye’s suggestion. That’s creative, appropriate, and fun for you!
Being more punitive, I would have said, “If your friends are ‘dragging’ you against your will someplace (kidnapping – should we call the police?), then what kind of friends are they? Better you not spend time with them.” Of course, that punishment is harder to control and only a minuscule notch above childish. The step-and-fetch it game is more childlike and fun. It will be reminiscent of when the kids were toddlers and loved to go on errands for you.
I would have to agree with a lot of the comments already posted – I think that everyone has *something* that is so important to them that when it’s taken away, it matters. The secret is finding out what that is. Time with friends? Cell phone usage? Computer usage? What is so important to him that if you take it away or compromise it he will be upset, and therefore will learn that he can’t break your rules?
By the way I think your rule was absolutely reasonable. I kind of liked some of the ideas from the comments, particularly making him run errands for everyone (especially if the grocery store is far away), or staying with him everywhere he goes. THAT could be really embarrassing for a teenager. When my stepdaughter was 16 and not going to school, I threatened to go to each and every one of her classes with her, and I promised to be wearing sweats, without showering, with crazy hair. I promised her it would not be a pleasurable experience… she immediately started going to school.
Good luck!
hmm, well I’d say that there is one area you could affect him quite well… tag along. Tell him his next 3 social events will find you in attendance.
True, you’ll hate it just as much, however it will have an impression!