Navigating the Blame Game

Parents of children with autism are often plagued by the question “what if?” What if I did something to cause this problem? What if I overlooked a critical therapy? Focusing on “what ifs” can create a world of stress — which can lead to even more anxiety.

So writes autism mother Lisa Jo Rudy in a post entitled What If…? Getting Past Blame and Worry to Help Your Autistic Child in today’s About.com. She includes a list of “what if?” ’s that parents can plague themselves with, including

• What If Something I Did Caused My Child’s Autism?
• What If I Missed the One Therapy That Could Have Cured My Child?
• What If My Child Never…(Fill In the Blank)

Noting that “you’ll never exhaust all the possibilities,” Rudy suggests that you “look inside yourself” and, too, take some time for yourself: “So … what if you put your feet up? What if you had a glass of wine, a bubble bath or an evening out? What if… you got to be just you for a few hours? What if you had… fun?!”

I would add (and I left a comment to this effect), what if we tried to focus more, perhaps most of all on the present—on the child today in front of us, on what he or she needs at this moment, on this day. Thinking, even fixating, too much on the past (”what caused my child to be autistic?”) and on the future (”what if my child never does X?”) can lead to catastrophic thinking in us parents, I think. In my own experience with Charlie, I have best been able to help him by starting with him where he is. The report from school (via a 9.45am email) is that Charlie is having his first tough morning and I am calibrating my Friday afternoon plans to best suit not what I would like to get done this afternoon (registering him for a recreational program, shopping), but what Charlie, in words and without them, is calling for.

That is life with autism every day, a life in which there is no time for blame: I am too busy being thankful that I have such a great boy as Charlie to spend my days with.