Never Was Good at the Rhythm Method…It’s All About Timing
October 24, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Reading Marc’s post tonight I had to chuckle at us because we are so very different. Marc needs time to process …He mentioned that he felt like I was reading the riot act to him.
On the other hand, from my point of view, I have tried everything to get him to communicate about this, to help me find a solution, to work with me..and he has been totally (again, from my point of view) non-communicative and laissez -faire about it. So now, I am done. I have shut down…I tried, it didn’t work…I took my ball and went home. I really don’t need affection at this point, don’t even particularly want it. I squashed all of that deep down the last time I was rebuffed. Again. For the umpteenth time.
Here is the kicker…when I am over and done with it…He has finally processed enough to want to talk. Is that crazy?
See guys, if our marriage can make it 28 years anyone’s can..it is far from ideal and perfect! It sure isn’t easy!
I think that everyone must have a point where they have gone over the edge and there just isn’t anything else to do or say. I think I am there, at least until something changes in a major way.
I feel bad that Marc is sick, and I feel bad that he is in pain…but I was raised to suck it up and move on…and I am ready to move on.
Not from Marc..I mean I am ready to admit that he is sick and just figure out where to go from here. Whether I want to homeschool, or I want to clean house is immaterial. We don’t always get what we want in life. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we have.
So yeah, I can imagine that Marc felt harrassed by my trying to get a plan together to move ahead… because the way things seemed (to me) to get handled in his family growing up were when something bad happened you just stopped at that place.
He will disagree I think but I can always tell him that he doesn’t analyze things so he doesn’t really have a clear picture. ::Smile:::
So here is my question. Is there something that you are facing that you are refusing to move past? How does your spouse feel about that? And..if you won’t deal with it, are you willing to deal with the consequences with your spouse of not dealing with it?
If you are choosing not to have sex with your husband/wife for whatever reason (I am not talking about anyone who deals with abusive issues and you know who you are) are you willing to accept that he/she may have an affair and it will be at least partly your fault?
If you are choosing not to deal with an issue are you willing for your spouse to deal with it and create a plan that you may not like?
If you are choosing to be deceptive are you willing to accept that your spouse may never trust you again?
See, when you are married you are no longer the lone ranger. Your choices and actions affect more than just you. You have to be sure that you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions. That is part of being an adult.
Am I willing to live without passion for the rest of my life to protect myself from Marc’s tendency to see saw emotionally? I honestly don’t know. I love him and he is the most awesome man in the universe…but I would really like to see him get over his focus on his illness and move on with life.
He sees the frustration with the driving and working and not spending time with the kids as being because of his illness..I see it as being because of the lack of sex and affection and passion. I have told him that but he wants to believe that it is because of what he can’t do..when it is really because of what he won’t do.
image:morguefile
Great post. It takes to to tango. I witnessed my mother sacrifice so much caring for my step father( who in my opinion wasnt worthy of her ), but she loved him and that was choice.He really didnt come to appreciate her towards the end of his life abaonded by his own family and child. I felt relief when he passed because she could finally LIVE. But all those years of stress, pent up frustration, etc caught up and turned to cancer.After he passed away a few years after. I dont think she regreted her chioces, but I think she would have been a little more concerned about herself and needs while being a good wife if she had to do it all over again. Men are not as nurturing and giving as we are , and most times it take s huge fight or something drastic for them to see the light. I admire your commitment but there is nothing wrong in being strong and wanting to move forward for yourself.
“…So now, I am done. I have shut down…I tried, it didn’t work…I took my ball and went home. I really don’t need affection at this point, don’t even particularly want it. I squashed all of that deep down the last time I was rebuffed….”
Don’t let that happen. Whatever you ( the both of you here ) do, don’t take that route.
I was watching one of my kids’ ‘Sponge Bob’ episodes ( I didn’t claim to be sophisticated, now) where SpongeBob SquarePants gets invited to Sandy Bottom’s little outpost amongst the corrals ( she’s a squirrel, he’s a salt-water Sponge…all the parents here know this programme, don’t you? )
Anyway, our little sponge fellow is whistling away at the front door of his new friends home with flowers in hand as we begin to see the ocean water drain out of the enclosure – ala the decompression/water lock-out you find in deep-sea submersibles. The little guy puts up a very brave front, though he’s drying up in the squirrel’s moisture free home; as he manages to quell a very realistic looking panic attack in himself. He turns away from the exit hatch and says to himself ” I don’t NEED WATER. I don’t WANT ANY WATER…I don’t NEED…”
At that point, his well-meaning friend happens to bring out a glass full of tea filled with ice just beginning to drip a few drops of…water.
I don’t think the idea of DESIRE will ever have a better canvas, in words or pictures, than what the cartoonist’ pen put on little SpongeBob’s face as he watched the drops of water falling off the ice-cubes.
Passive-Aggressive behaviour ( and I can’t say really what THAT is, it just seems to fit here ) results in people, who are caught up in it, to push away those things, and push away often in a very adamant, forceful way, those very things that the person desires most.
For whatever reasons, they don’t want to admit they really do want it, maybe its so important to them that the WAY its being offered or the circumstances surrounding the acceptance of what they want somehow demean the thing and the person of need can’t accept it under those circumstances, no matter how much they want it.
And its certainly a possible reaction if the thing you want is being denied, or not being given to you anyway.
Marye, you can see that happening, Im certain, in your circumstances – if you squash your feelings and give ‘em the stiff, upper lip.
Is it possible Marc is doing the same thing ( for different reasons ) with respects to your ‘celibacy’ ? Maybe something occurred long time ago, something, some event – I couldn’t know, of course – now forgotten, that may have started what’s become a way of life? Maybe something relatively minor, but the resentment was left to smolder.
Who knows. Just one way of looking at cause and effect. One possibility out of many.
Don’t poison your life with buried resentment, left to take a life of their own. If you do, someday you’ll wake up and actually believe you don’t want or need affection or like feeling desired. That’s the way it happens.
Find a solution, if even temporal, short-term comprimise until the larger issues ( or the more deeply rooted ones ) can be fixed.
Cheers,
David..I think we are both just overwhelmed with the wave of stuff that has hit us all at once…I don’t think our emotional separation is permanent..just survival mode for both of us.
Ahh…I just knew I’d found a place to use that SpongeBob story…
LOL! I don;t like sponge bob much…I prefer Mighty Mouse. Sponge Bob just seems …so…effeminate to me… LOL!
Ah come on…Popeye’d clean that mouse’s clock anytime, lol.
SpongeBob effeminate…hmmm…well, sponge do reproduce by spontaneous cellular division; or so I think I’ve heard.
But then, that would make him…a-ffeminate
LOL!
Maybe Popeye would beat up Mighty Mouse..but I could not handle Popeye’s voice…
So your not a fan of the gravelly scouse, but what about that massive bulge in his fore-arm
I am all about massive bulges
Well, Popeye’s turned nearly purple from what must surely be embarrassment.
It seems nothing swells his head more than flattery and Olive Oyl must’ve taken notice of that big, shiny head because she’s headed right out the door – making a bee-line in the direction of Popeye’s nemesis, Blutto; wearing some odd pantaloons that Popeye’d never seen before
perhaps a cold shower David?
Uhhuh… Mountain ice-cold ones or hot-steams. Anything but tepid, lukewarm baths.
You guys are Too much! lol