Not our favorite holiday: Thanksgiving
November 12, 2006 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
How do you handle Thanksgiving? asks Lisa Jo Rudy at About.com. I’ve been exchanging suggestions with some other parents about this and these are some strategies we plan to use:
- Picture schedule of what will happen. I like to put the photos with some short phrases underneath in a little photo album that I bring with us.
- Talk about the picture schedule in advance a number of times using a social story.
- Token board (which Charlie uses at school, in ABA at home, at piano practice, so it is something familiar and structured).
- Practice “waiting” in advance.
- Practice “sitting at the table” in advance.
- Arrive gracefully late (after the hors d’oeuvres—plates of dip and cocktail sauce, chitchat, and lots of glasses everywhere are a lot to navigate Charlie through).
- Leave early. (It’s better for Charlie and for us to leave on a happy note rather than all upset and in tears.)
- Remind youself throughout the day that holidays are full of stresses for everyone.
- Be pre-emptive: Rather than hoping that a tantrum will not happen, assume that one will and plan in advance how you can defuse it as quickly as possible, and in the best interests of your child.
- It is all right if your child does not eat everything due to food allergies or just not wanting to eat turkey. (I am a long-time vegetarian; I have been dealing with this for a long time!) We talk about neurodiversity and how our children are different and have certain needs (such as sensory ones…..); why not have some “food diversity” at the Thanksgiving table?
- Remind yourself (if not everyone else) that it’s the being-together that makes a holiday—the human community and connections—not the food, the football, or the formalities. Traveling in Autismland has reminded me again and again of this lesson.
- Be ready to put on an ingratiating smile in the face of any critical remarks (”Now why can’t that child sit down like all the others….”). You know how hard your child struggles, and how hard she or he is trying.
- After you get back home and everyone is in bed, reserve a few minutes (seconds, as the case may be) for yourself and say, Made it.
- Be thankful for your lovely child!
Please add to this list with your own suggestions!
I just started skipping it as soon as I could. My family (both sides) made it intolerable, and didn’t “believe in” celiac disease, so I decided I didn’t “believe in” Thanksgiving.
Ohhhh… this one has not been easy this year, due to B’s going veggie on us this summer. I have been vegetarian for many years, but it was always pretty easy to accomodate my own needs (just skip the turkey, basically). B’s vegetarianism came from his belief that eating animals is “heinous” & has been complicated by his OCD, so that even pictures of cooked meat give him massive tics. The smell of cooking meat is practically intolerable to him & he won’t eat tofu products that look like meat, either (there went the tofurkey…). There was no way that I was going to host a meal that made my kid want to lock himself in his room, so my husband & B & I discussed this a few weeks ago & decided that we would have a large, Indian-style holiday meal (vegetarian, of course) for Thanskgiving this year. Since we are hosting, we want it to be festive (there’s the potential for 12-14 people for dinner). We’ve been sending the word out to those who’re coming to dinner to let them know what they’re getting in for… The friends & family who’ve been clued-into the change in menu & why have been supportive, so I have high hopes for a fun family holiday.
Great list – I’ll see what it looks like if I print it out, chop it up, so we can play it as a card game.
Cheers
As the kids get older, taking active part in the planning helps alleviate the anxiety a little. Amigo (age 14) helped me shop for the turkey today. He will help me make 1-2-3 cranberry sauce, our family custom. He’s been doing that since — oh, my, for many years.
Great idea, Daisy—-Charlie is very interested in food preparation and cooking (unfortunately, our family has been preferring to go out for Thanksgiving—-I would prefer to have the holiday at home). Maybe I should print out the list as party favors, just kidding…… Indian food Thanksgiving, I am envious!
Thanks for the ideas, Kristina! My mom and I had come up with the idea of visiting family one at a time, before the holiday. (Actually we were talking about Christmas, but it works here too!) That way, if we need to excuse ourselves after just an hour or so and go for a ride or something, it won’t be insulting. My inlaws aren’t the most understanding in this area. We live far from our family and go home for 1 holiday. Mike has a meltdown just about every year, with the hub-bub at my parents house and the complete chaos of 40-50 people at my inlaws. Since we don’t live there, he can’t even be in his own element or retreat to it later. Honestly, if we can’t find a solution this year, I don’t know if we will be going back next year. I will miss my family, but if it’s torture on Mike, I am not sure it’s worth it.
Great ideas! We’ve helped Megan get some “control” over the big family dinner by making place cards with guests’ names and showing people where to sit,or helping to set the table, or by having a hand in the preparation of some meal items and helping to serve them. Holidays can be overwhelming with all the excitement. My sister usually hosts dinner, and she’s a former special ed teacher, and has a great handle on involving Megan.
Add to that list: Don’t put the kid in clothing that feels vastly different than what s/he is used to. (I found out the hard way last year that C. hates, hates, hates dresses or jumpers that go below the knee. She and Sam both told me all morning that they wanted to go home — each would lead me over to our vehicle and to the door each would usually climb in. We left as soon as we’d managed to eat whatever we were going to be able to. We are NOT travelling to another city for Thanksgiving for at least 2 more years after this one. Period.)