Olivia and Mark on His Heart Attack

My son and I often go to the playground after school even on days when the weather isn’t the greatest and others have hurried home. Once on a day when there was no one else at the playground, he said to me, “I’m all alone.” It was heartbreaking.

When it comes to heart disease, many patients feel alone. They don’t believe anyone can truly understand how they feel and what they’re going through physically and emotionally. It can be difficult for patients’ spouse/partner as well to empathize when they’re caught up in their own fears too, including the fear of losing their loved one.

Today, we have the good fortune to hear from husband and wife Olivia and Mark. I first “met” Olivia when I read her list of 27 tips for how to survive your young husband’s first (unexpected) heart attack. Olivia’s honesty is grounded in reality and her understanding nature impressive. Her husband Mark’s strength in returning to everyday life and work as a surgeon shows that it is possible to recover from a heart attack and move on. Here’s what Olivia and Mark had to say about his heart attack.

Hsien Lei: What was it like the moment you knew Mark was having a heart attack? How did you feel? What did you do?

Olivia: It was a feeling of relief, because we then knew why he’d been in pain for so long and exactly what to do about it. I’d known he had some sort of serious problem, but was frustrated at the months of no one knowing what to do about it. He was first diagnosed with carotidynia back in May, and he had suffered through June and part of July with that. The week before his actual attack he was diagnosed with GERD, and put on several drugs, none of which helped the pain in his chest, left arm, or jaw. Finally, he was in such acute pain that we drove to the ER where his lab tests showed that his CPK was elevated and that he’d had a heart attack. There wasn’t much time to think, as he was wheeled into the emergency room for immediate surgery. I paced in a private waiting area and called family to talk to them while I paced. I also prayed for him.

Mark: I actually felt relief that finally we knew what was causing the severe chest pain. We went to the ER as soon as possible for treatment.

HL: Since Mark is a doctor, was it relatively obvious he was having a heart attack or was there a moment of denial?

Olivia: It was pretty obvious to us. However, because he is a doctor, he did curbside consults and had informal examinations, so I would always wonder at the time if he was getting adequate care. In hindsight now, I’m sure he was; if anything, I think he got exceptional care.

Mark: I was in total denial for up to one year before the attack and my doctors were too. I saw a cardiologist twice and was told it was GI, saw a GI doc and told it might be cardiac.

HL: How is it different for a doctor to be a patient?

Olivia: I think that in Mark’s case, he tends to think he is exceptional in all ways compared to average non-physician patients, so that he’ll heal faster, recover better, etc. Also there is the push to get back to work right away. And terrible self-care. Remarkable ignorance of nutritional principles, as at the time of his medical training nutrition was not emphasized and cardiology is not his specialty. And on the positive side, special concessions to getting easy appointments, personal familiarity with the ER staff, a desire to appear strong and confident while being vulnerable as a patient.

Mark: It is much harder for both the patient and the doctor of the patient. Doctors and doctor’s family members make the worst patients.

HL: I was so surprised to read in your list about how to survive a husband’s heart attack that even friendships can change after a person has a heart attack. Can you tell us more about that?

Olivia: Most of our friends were very supportive. Some people said nothing and didn’t contact us at all, as they normally would; they’d obviously heard about what happened but didn’t know what to say or do or feel comfortable responding specifically. Since this life change is such a reality in our lives, we are no longer close to them. Most people were so caring and responsive, and often ask after his health even now and encourage him. They tell him now how much they value him so that he knows, since they almost lost him. Relatives have been especially supportive. Other people (two relatives I’m thinking of in particular) cut back in their contact with him to cursory phone calls responding to his phone calls and requests for financial help (which had also been there before the heart attack). I see this as their relating to him more in a utilitarian way—not wanting to provide support, encouragement, or caring, but merely using him when they have a particular financial need.

Mark: My friendships have not changed appreciably.

HL: I love how you recommend that caregivers also take care of themselves. What specifically has been the most valuable for you during your husband’s recovery process?

Olivia: Beginning to detach in my head and seeing myself more as an individual, since I expect to survive his death one day. Realizing that we are a couple now, but that this will probably not be this way forever. Making plans in my head and discussing things with him about how he’d like certain things done after his death (like his funeral, his adult children taken care of, etc.). Since I worked as a life coach, I had pretty good self-care already, so I continue with that. My daily exercise, diet, spiritual life, rest, and thought life formed the foundation from which I led my life then and now. I know that I also let go of Mark more, respecting his desire to live the time he has left in his own way; I try to appreciate each moment with him. I also try to forgive him more, since he is coping with so much, and make extra efforts not to hold grievances.

HL: Now that it’s been over half a year since Mark had his heart attack, do you find that you forget that he has this vulnerability? Or is it still very much a part of your life? Maybe you even get sick of thinking about heart disease?

Olivia: No, I never forget. I remind him often, maybe too often. I began thinking of his death as imminent that day (July 31st, last year) and have thought about it often since then. I think that I have done a lot of grieving in advance, and have let go of things, like expectations, “certain” or “for-sure” plans for the future, retirement dreams, etc. since he is not taking care of himself. His mother died at age 58 of the very problem he had (LAD) and he has always expected to die at approximately the same age, or even earlier because of his stressful lifestyle; his heart attack at 49 made this seem less like a fear and more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Mark: I was very serious about changing my lifestyle to prevent further cardiac problems but it only lasted a short time. Then I went right back to my old lifestyle—eating whatever I wanted and not exercising. After about seven months I felt so much better I am now more able and willing to change my lifestyle for the better.

Thank you, Olivia and Mark, for sharing your story. I hope that both patients and caregivers who see this interview will know that they are not alone, especially if they have a caring spouse or partner at their side.

Tags: heart attack, heart, heart disease, diseases, illness, health, medicine, interviews, patients